A cancer doc update!

Hey there people :)

I have lots of updates for you all. Including my 22 week update, and a baby doc appointment. HOWEVER, blogger is being wonky... So my 22 week update got cut in half. I will edit it and fix it and post it along with the 23 week update. And that will include the baby doc update...

Today's post is about Danny's latest cancer doc appointment. March is almost over. Colon cancer awareness will, yet again, basically drop off the map. Or, the TV, rather. Danny had a check up this week, which left me feeling anxious and scared as usual. He wasn't, of course... he never is. But I just kept flashing back to all the bad news we've gotten. And wouldn't it be fitting if we got more bad news at a March appointment... I'm not usually a downer like that. Hormones make me crazy.

The week before his appointment, I was counting down the days. I couldn't WAIT for Dr J and the nurses to see my belly! I couldn't wait for them to see how far we've come! I couldn't wait to hear that all was fine...
Then the night before his appointment, my mind went into overdrive. What if something shows up on the labwork? What if Dr J suddenly decides that he needs more scans because something isn't quite right. What if, what if, what if. That's what surviving cancer does, or being married to someone who survived cancer... It effs with your head.
Laying in bed, trying to sleep, I could feel my blood pressure going up. I was feeling anxious. Sleep wasn't coming... Danny was still awake so I rolled to face him (rolled? Okay... no.... I tried to sit up kind of and twist and then lay back down... all the while whining because it's kind of painful).
"Are you nervous for your appointment tomorrow?"
"Nope." Nope.... Never... God forbid he actually worry about something before there's something to worry about.
"Good.. I'm glad. Everything is going to be great."
"I'm sure it is." So sure... always so dang sure... But what if......

My sleep that night was basically non existent. I get like that every time his appointments come up. Every single time. Could we handle bad news? Yeah. We've gotten over too many bumps to say that we couldn't handle something. It's just that I don't want to have to. I don't want to watch my husband go through all of this again. I am ready to be done with it. Forever.

Monday Danny and I went to lunch together, like we always do before his appointments. We went to Mooyah. Mmm mmmm Mooyah. We talked about basketball (I hate basketball, with a passion, but I filled out a bracket this year and it's not too bad... Not to mention our local team is doing really well). We talked about other news... We did NOT talk about his appointment. We did NOT talk about my worry. About the knot in my stomach. About the tension building in my shoulders. We talked about fun things. Never about what-if's. We ate and we chatted and then we left... To go to the appointment I was both looking forward to and dreading at the same time.

Walking into the building we were bombarded with the usual smell of the place. Not exactly unpleasant... Just... Too familiar. Linked to too many memories of chemo days. Of LONG chemo days. It's been years since those days occurred twice a month... And it's all still too familiar.

I sat down in our usual area while Danny checked in. I glanced around and noticed people staring. At my belly. I adjusted my shirt, to make sure it hadn't come up to show skin. It hadn't. So I tightened my coat up...
Danny had to talk to a couple people before he sat down with me.
"Three people have gone up to ask how much longer it'll be... And they are all told that the doctor is running about an hour behind...."
"Oh great... Guess we can get comfortable." Again, so normal.... So familiar... Wish we had our  normal puzzle to work on....

BzzzzzBBZZZZZZZZBBzzzzzz.
"Whoa, that was fast..."
"Yeah, I guess the doctor running behind isn't my doctor. Let's go." What time is it? It's early... We are seriously going back there 10 minutes before our appointment time?? Well, that's different...
We walked back with the nurse, our usual nurse... Who was staring at my belly. I smiled at her, knowing that she was probably wondering if I'm pregnant or just packing on the pounds... I think the bump is obviously a baby bump, but maybe not everyone does...
Danny weighed what he normally does... And the nurse checked his blood pressure. It was up higher than normal, meaning it was up to what is considered average.
"That's because you're stressing me out Destiny."
"ME?! Whatever!!"
"She's pregnant, I'm probably the one that stresses her out...." No, these appointments stress me out...
"YOU'RE PREGNANT?!?! When are you due??"
"July 25th."
"JULY? Are you kidding me?? You're TINY!!" Tiny? Seriously? No... I'm not tiny...
"Tiny? This is huge for me!"
"Oh that's right, because you were so tiny before! But I'm sure you are going to be all baby! You won't even be able to tell you're pregnant from behind!"
We chatted a bit more about the pregnancy, and how rough it was at the beginning. We didn't mention the IVF. For a few brief moments I got to pretend that this is just a normal pregnancy.

Eventually she left, after touching my shoulder and congratulating us again. Seeing the compassion in her eyes was touching. I just wish it had helped ease my worries... Unfortunately, it didn't... I was still SERIOUSLY STRESSING about what Dr J would say when he came in....

We waited a while, longer than usual actually... Before Dr J finally made his way in... He had a big smile on his face! That's good, right? That means the results are good?
"SO!! A baby huh?" Ahhh, she told him...
"Yep!"
"And when are you due?"
"July 25th..."
"Ohhh how exciting!! It's going to be so amazing for you two! My only grandchild... even though I have 5 kids... just turned one. Things have really changed! I get updates about every 10 minutes, with a new picture of him, on my iPhone." HA!! I bet he's a wonderful grandpa!
*kick kick squirm kick* Little miss was kicking really hard... right on my bladder. Danny saw my face...
"You gonna be okay?" Always so concerned...
"Yeah, she's just going crazy in there..."
"She? So it's a girl?" *kick kick*
"Oh! Yes! A girl is in there!"

Eventually the conversation went to Danny... Or on his lab results. All was well. As usual.
"Okay Daniel, so your last colonoscopy was November 2011?" That's right...
"Ummm...." He looked at me.
"Yes, that's right."
"Okay well, the plans for colonoscopies for colon cancer patients differ slightly from those of rectal cancer patients. Since your cancer was so low in your sigmoid colon, I think we should follow the guidelines for the rectal patients. I want you to have one more before I see you for your last appointment. Right now you've got two appointments left. One in 6 months and one in a year. So, at your next appointment we will set up your scope with Dr H. So I'll have those results to go over at your very last appointment." YEA for one more colonoscopy!! I'm so glad he wants another one! I didn't think Danny would have one for another couple years unless we requested it... And OH. MY. GOOD. LORD. Only two more appointments left here. TWO MORE. For ever. Two more. One more year. OH THANK YOU LORD!!!!!

Dr J made his way over to Danny on the table to listen to his breathing, to feel around on his lymph nodes and then his scars...
And suddenly I forgot to breathe... Since August it's always been ME up on the tables getting examed, getting poked, prodded, stabbed, jabbed... But before August, for 4 entire years, it was him... I forgot what it looked like for him to be in that position. Or rather, I forgot how it made me feel. Knowing everything was fine was one thing... Seeing him up there, wishing he didn't have to do ANY of this. Wishing SO BAD that I could just take his place and he could sit in the chair and be the strong one.... It just hurts. Danny is FINE and it still hurts to see him on that table...

And then it hit me again, we've come so far... Four years ago, sitting here, our main focus was just KEEPING DANNY ALIVE. Yeah, we postponed treatment in order to have the "swimmer surgery." But we only had that surgery because Dr J allowed it. Because Dr J and Dr H both recommended Dr G. We are expecting this amazing baby girl thanks to so many people. But this baby girl and Faith have a Daddy that will be around for many years thanks to Dr H, Dr J and God. I don't think I ever imagined I'd be sitting in this office, knowing Danny is healthy, and feeling our daughter kick to the sound of both Danny's and Dr J's voices. And boy was she loving their voices. I'm sure it's far fetched to think she knows how much we owe Dr J... But she doesn't react like that to anyone's voice besides her Daddy's. So that says something. <3

I snapped out of my thoughts in time to hear Danny and Dr J talking about the Shockers and basketball.... And then we left. We walked out of that office knowing that my husband is still healthy. The cancer is still gone. And that we're almost done with that place forever.

I'm so thankful for all the amazing people at the cancer center. But really, I don't ever want to HAVE to see them again. Two appointments to go. Two. Two. Two. TWO!!!! I'm doing a happy dance here, on my side of the screen. Because frankly, it's better than crying.

So many things have changed...

We are so blessed...

And I didn't know I could be more thankful than I already was... but with every good appointment my gratitude grows.  <3 <3 <3

The Anatomy Scan

Hey everyone!! I'm finally getting around to posting about our sonogram!!!

Our anatomy scan was originally scheduled for 18 weeks. It was a Thursday... I was counting down the days for weeks. The day before the sonogram, it started to snow... Snow like crazy... We were expected to get a TON of the white fluffiness, and things were starting to close... Which, of course, meant my doctor's office was closing, too! We had to reschedule my appointment for the following Wednesday. We planned on doing the gender reveal the night of the sonogram. So I was switching plans and making new ones and it made me anxious.

I also had to start a new countdown. Eventually, it was the following Wednesday. FINALLY. We could do this! An hour before my appointment (which was strictly the sono, no dr visit) I had to begin the "prep" which included drinking a LOT of water.

I started to get nervous. Not about if this baby was a boy or girl. The anatomy scan focuses on everything - the heart, brain, kidneys, etc etc. Would our baby be healthy? We hadn't seen the baby since December, when we were only 9 weeks along. There wasn't much developed at that point. What if something was wrong?? How would we handle that?

We got to the doctor's office and I checked in and headed downstairs to the lab/sono area. I didn't even have time to sign in before we were called back.
"Have a seat..." I laid my stuff in a chair and started to sit in a chair, too. I thought maybe we'd go over a few questions first.... Nope.
"Oh, no. Up here." Oh crap, already? Oh my gosh. It's time to see our baby!!!
We went over my information. We were early for my appointment (it was 3:15 and the appointment wasn't until 3:30) so she had to change the info in the computer because it was pre programmed with someone else. Then it was time.
"Okay, here we go. Just so I know, are you wanting to know the gender?" Uhhh YES!!!!
"Yes, we do."
"Okay, let's hope this baby cooperates!" Oh this baby BETTER cooperate.
We chatted a bit about how we thought Baby was a boy. The wonderful tech got all the measurements and pointed out all of the different body parts... Legs (LONG legs), arms, hands, feet (with wiggling toes), heart, kidneys... And my bladder, which she was laughing about because Baby was kicking it the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
"Well... I can't get a good view of between the legs. This baby just will not open them. Look, the feet are crossed, the legs are together... And when the legs DO open, the hands go STRAIGHT down there... Let's push around a bit." Stubborn baby... Open up so we can see!! We want to know what name to call you! OUCH... She is jabbing me with that doppler! Good gracious...
No cooperation. Pushing, prying, jabbing....
"Okay how about you try laying on your left side..." Easy, that's what makes Baby move when we're at home...
Nothing. Everything was making those legs tighten up!!!
"Okay... Go empty your bladder. Do some jumping jacks. We've got to get this baby moved or at least flipped! I'm not giving up."
Off I went, to follow orders. Meanwhile, the person who was before me (who was over 30 minutes late to her appointment) showed up. The sono tech told them to reschedule her for the next day.
Back up on the table... More warm goop on the belly... And legs still together.
More jabbing. Poking. Pushing.
"Stand up, jump around some more..." SERIOUSLY BABY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'M STARTING TO GET A LITTLE UPSET!!!!!
"Whew. Is this even safe? All this jumping around?"
"It's perfectly safe... You're not overdoing it." Ahhh okay. Surely this worked!
Back up on the table...

.......


Nothing. Those legs were just not budging.
"Do you want to come back next week? You can just come downstairs here, no need to check in or anything. We'll get you in and out. It won't be a medical thing so we won't go through any computers or anything." Free, then... Hmmm.... Sounds good to me!
We left happy that Baby was healthy... and so very sad that we didn't know if Baby was a he or she! I sent texts to everyone who was going to be at the gender reveal, letting them know that it was OFF because baby is stubborn (healthy! But stubborn). Everyone seemed as disappointed as we were...



The next day I had my 19 week appointment with Dr C. Since Danny had taken off work the day before for the sonogram, he didn't take off again. We didn't seriously think there was a chance that I'd suddenly find out if the baby was a boy or girl anyway... HA!!!
At the beginning of my appointment I stepped on the scale. I finally looked pregnant so I was expecting to see a bit of a jump in weight, I was prepared... Beep, beep beep. I looked down.
110.
110??? That means I haven't gained back any more! I'm still below pre pregnancy weight! How is that even possible? Baby is measuring right on time. Ohh I'm in trouble....
And I was.
When Dr C came in we went over how I was feeling, she assured me I should be feeling better soon. Less headaches. The nausea should lift somewhat or completely. I took it with a grain of salt, because I thought week 18 would be that magical week for me, and it wasn't...
We checked for the heartbeat (a student and I) while Dr C went over the sono results.
"So everything looks great! Baby is measuring right on track. All the organs look good. It was a good sonogram!"
"Yeah, the baby is healthy... but we don't know if the baby is a he or she..."
"What? She couldn't tell?" She looked through the sonogram again. "Hmm. WELL. Do you have a few minutes?"
"I do."
"Then I'm sending you down for a quick look. She'll squeeze you in. Just a quick in and out of there, we won't even put you in the system." BAHAHAHAHAHA  I'm going to find out without anyone knowing!! HAHAHAHAHAHA
"But before we go double check with her... Let's talk about your weight." Cue doom music... Duh duh duuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......
"Yeah... I'm not gaining..."
"No, you're not. You should have by now. Since Baby is measuring on track, that means that things are okay for now. But that means that YOU aren't getting what YOU need. YOU are losing what the baby is gaining. Have you tried to eat more often?"
"Yep. I eat all the time. I even have a stash of crackers in my purse for when I feel hungry and don't have food around. I always have crackers."
"Still nauseous though... Keep up with the crackers. Eat when you can. Eat what you can. If you still haven't gained by your next appointment, we'll get serious with this." Get serious? I AM serious. I want to make sure Baby gets everything necessary. What will happen if I still don't gain?? Oh gosh...

While my mind was going 90 miles an hour over the weight gain (or lack thereof) issue, Dr C called down to the sono tech and asked if she could squeeze me in. She could. So I checked out, scheduled my next appointment, and headed downstairs.
While I was waiting, I sent a text to Danny. He was driving so I called him so we could talk this out. He had to get to school so he couldn't rush to the doctor, he'd be late to class. So we decided I would have the tech write the results down in a sealed envelope and we'd open it together when he got home.
Then I sent a text to my mom. She had mentioned going with me to my appointment since Danny couldn't. But decided against it. Her words exactly were "If I knew FOR SURE that the doctor would order another sonogram to see what this baby is, I'd go. And I'd force myself into the room and find out right then!" So, of course I had to rub it in a little bit!

When I got called back, the tech and I chatted a bit about how we were supposed to come back the next week. I asked her if she could put the results in an envelope for Danny and I to open up that night. She said yes, and seemed excited about it! She told me to turn away so I wouldn't accidentally see anything.
"Is the baby cooperating better this time?"
"A little bit!" A little bit? Only a little bit? Will she be sure, then??
"Okay! We're done. Don't look!!" Ahhh SHE KNOWS!!!
I watched her take the envelope into her little office area, hold it up to the light...
"I need to cover it up again. You can see through the envelope!" HA!!!
She eventually handed the sealed envelope over to me... I stuffed it into my purse so I wouldn't be tempted to cheat and rip open the envelope myself!!!!

A few AGONIZING hours later... Danny finally got home.
We sat on the couch.
"Are you ready for this?"
"Let's do it." Oh my gosh, we're about to find out if we're having a son or daughter! OH MY GOSH.
I opened the envelope. The "goods" were covered up with a sticky note... I gently took the sticky note off of the picture... Along with the goods was the word "GIRL!"
"Holy $%^#... We're in so much trouble..."
Cue tears, of love and happiness!!

That night was the first time we noticeably felt a kick from the outside. Baby girl kicked so hard that my stomach got all deformed until she relaxed and her little foot went back in. Danny was already asleep beside me but I was giggling and it woke him up. I told him what was happening. He put his hand on my belly, and we fell asleep like that... With our daughter kicking her daddy's hand while we drifted into dreamland... <3

21 Weeks!

Hey there everyone! Two posts in one DAY! Aren't you happy?? Really this isn't what I planned. I typed up the Anatomy Scan post last week and planned on posting it the next day. But I have this thing called prego brain. I always thought that was just an excuse. No. Seriously. It's for real. I will say something to Danny and not 5 minutes later will wonder to myself if I told him whatever it was I DID tell him... So I tell him again. Which normally is followed by that "duh" look from him. I feel like an idiot most of the time. It's new to me.

So, we are 21 weeks down... 19 to go! I look pregnant. I feel pregnant. And most of the time this amazing baby makes herself known by sticking body parts out of my belly. It's weird. I'm pretty sure this weekend I felt a foot when I was letting my niece feel my belly. Maybe it was a hand. All I know is that it wasn't something I normally feel (I'm absolutely positive this little girl is always sticking her butt out... She's got too much booty in her pants I guess), and it was pointy. Maybe an elbow? HOW DO YOU PEOPLE TELL?! Because I know my reaction:
"Shi you wanna come feel? Here's her butt... Oh, hey, she just flipped. What is this? WHAT IS THIS? IT'S POKEY AND POINTY WHAT IS IT?!?!?!?!"
Shianne tried to feel but of course is even less experienced than I am. And by the time someone WITH experience rushed over to feel, Baby pulled back in and snuggled tight. I guess she didn't like me questioning what her body parts were. Whoops.

Also this weekend we had a date night... We went to see Oz The Great and Powerful. Baby loved it, she was kicking and squirming the whole time!

This weekend was probably the worst for my back pain. I've been saying for weeks that I need to see a chiro because my back pain has been awful. And Saturday I was brought to tears multiple times. I couldn't handle it anymore. I just couldn't. I looked up our major chiro here in town and read about how they work with pregnant women, and I decided I would call them asap...
Then Danny came to bed and I laid on my side and asked him to please just push on the spot that hurt. He massaged for a few minutes and figured out my issue. My muscle from my spine to my hip was SO BEYOND tight that it took him a while to get it worked loose. That time was painful for me but I knew it would help....
And it did.
I woke  up Sunday and was able to get out of bed without an issue. I bent down to get my slippers without flinching. I bent down to pick up my cat without stopping mid-way and giving up... I COULD MOVE!!!
My husband rocks!

Now... on to the weekly quiz update!!

How Far Along:  21 weeks

Total Weight Gain: I don't know yet... I will update this after my next appt!

Maternity Clothes: It's been warm enough for my yoga pants... So those are my maternity clothes thank you very much...

Stretch Marks:  So far my skin on my belly is still great!

Sleep: Ahhhh sleep is fabulous these days! Thanks to Danny fixing my back!  

Best Moment This Week:  Have I mentioned Danny fixing my back?? :)

Miss Anything: Ummm, I'm good actually.  

Movement: All the time!!!

Food Cravings: Anything, I just need it often...

Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: Just depends on the day...

Gender: A wonderfully amazing baby GIRL

Labor Signs: Nope

Symptoms: Leg cramps... Those stink!

Belly Button In or Out: In

Wedding Rings On or Off: On and FALLING off.

Happy or Moody Most of the Time: Happy unless you tick me off. Then I stay mad at you for... ever.

Looking Forward To: Seeing this amazing baby again! Hopefully my doc approves a 3d ultrasound!

Guest Post - Kris & Mike

When Danny was diagnosed with cancer, we didn't have Facebook. We were still in the Myspace crowd. Yeah, it was that long ago...
When we finally got a facebook, I stumbled upon the Colon Cancer Awareness group/page. I posted our story. I read other stories. And a few of us women grew really close. We call ourselves the CC Wives Club. We've all had our lives flipped upside down by colon cancer. We all know the side effects of the chemo. Of the surgery. And we all know how we felt on the day that we were told our husbands had colon cancer.
You've all read my story. My side. My memories.

Well... Today's post involved one of the CC Wives... Kris. About her husband Mike. Read. Share. Be aware!

The day my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer will be forever etched in my memory.  It’s a time I’d like to pretend never happened, but it did. I look back and find hidden blessings in that diagnosis. I am sure you are wondering why I feel a cancer diagnosis can bring blessings, but if you’ve ever walked in those shoes, I bet you’d agree. A cancer diagnosis stirs a million emotions and feelings you never ever dreamt you’d experience; often unpleasant and the hopes for the bad dream to end and you wake to the normal life you once knew. Then, after some time, there is a magical moment that occurs in your heart and soul when you stand back and reflect on it all. You realize how precious each and every day in the world is.  We are never guaranteed a tomorrow, but by living each day to its fullest and making memories that can be carried on when we are gone, this is what life is truly about. I remember watching Mike mow the lawn from the kitchen window and I’d cry my eyes out just watching him. I wondered what he was thinking while he was out there. Was he afraid?  Did he cry? I remember being so upset with him for saying I should take all of his life insurance money and throw a huge party celebrating his life when he was gone. I didn’t want a party or life insurance money-damn it, I wanted him to be my husband forever in this world.  There were many silent moments of arms tightly wrapped around each other; no words needed to be said.  There were moments when tears were shed together, but his were for me and my feelings and never about his life possibly ending. He had no fear of death and he felt confident that he didn’t need that 6 months of chemo that I made him do and his dr. said he didn’t need to. He did that for me; I wanted him to survive. That shocking diagnosis brought us together in a way that cannot be described. You look at each other differently. Your love for one another is on a totally different level. The strength between the two of you grows with every negative thing thrown at you and the bond cannot be broken. Cancer does have a positive side and it certainly made that impact on us.

Here’s my story! My husband had been having rectal bleeding off and on for a few years. His doctor told him it was hemorrhoids without ever doing an exam or other testing. Men are funny about that part of their body and don't like to talk about it. After being together for 16 years we decided to finally marry in June 2008. I told him since he was now my husband he was getting a colonoscopy done whether or not he wanted it and sent him to my dr. who agreed. His colonoscopy day happened to be scheduled the day before our daughter’s big 15^th birthday party sleepover. I had a feeling deep in my gut that something would be wrong. Once the colonoscopy was completed, I was called into a consult room. The young doctor came in a few minutes later and it was quite obvious that the news was not good. He was compassionate, touched my arm and told me it was more complex than he anticipated and a mass was found along with two other growths. I became extremely flushed, sweaty and felt as if my ears were clogged. I was in a fog and felt as if I left my body. I did not shed a tear or feel like I needed to, some sort of other power took over as I asked the doctor what my husband’s prognosis was. In recovery, my still doped up husband had grabbed the colonoscopy report by his bedside and asked me about the “malignant mass.”  I played dumb and brushed it off. Luckily for me, he slept most of the day and evening. Later that night, I remember going to the basement to call my mother and finally cried when I told her the news. I went to the store and called his best friend’s wife and told her the news. The tears for the next two days were short lasting. I had to pretend everything was fine and prepare for that birthday party. A CT scan was ordered 5 days following the colonoscopy. Still at that point my husband had no clue how serious the findings were. I take blame for that, until his biopsy and CT scan results were in, I didn’t want to upset him until we knew exactly what we were dealing with.  Well, the miscommunication between doctor’s offices put an end to that.  The oncology office called with an appointment before his gastro doctor had even seen him to go over the results.  It was at that moment, that he began the process of facing that damn “C” word. Tattooed on his wrist in Roman numerals is the date October 17, 2008-the day he was diagnosed with colon cancer.  The oncology and surgeon appointments were three days later. The oncologist visit was promising and it appeared the cancer had been caught early enough and no spread to other organs. There was no mention of doing chemo, just surgery to remove the mass. At the surgeon’s appointment our hopes and hearts sank. He was concerned as to why my husband, at such a young age, had three growths in his colon.  He recommended genetic testing and if it came back positive he suggested removing the entire colon. He spent a great deal of time discussing adapting to living without one; which scared the hell out of us. One week later he was admitted into the hospital for what was to be a laparoscopic transverse colectomy; it ended up being an abdominal wall incision from sternum down below the belly button. 1/3 of his colon was removed, as well as his appendix, which was a good thing.  The appendix had a carcinoid tumor in it.  His staging was 2a/b-due to only three lymph nodes removed they couldn’t properly stage. He had complications and ended up spending ten days in the hospital; including his 43^rd birthday. My husband has a huge Batman tattoo across the right side of his chest, his dr. refused to damage that and put the port in on the opposite side. His port never worked for blood draws which he hated. He was a trooper and handled his 6 months of chemotherapy rather well. In fact, the first three months, he continued his strenuous P90X program and arranged golf outings with friends around his ‘feel good’ times.  He amazed his doctor, as his side effects were few. He did suffer with low WBC from the start and I had to give him injections of Neupogen. The after-effects of excruciating bone pain were tough. His 5FU Cocktail (and you can guess what we say the FU stands for) caused neuropathy in his fingers and hands. Towards the end, the dr. cut back his dosage in hopes to save the use of his fingers for work and his passion, playing guitar. He had his port removed a month after his last chemo treatment.  He wanted the reminder of his cancer out of his body.  

All seemed to be going well, with the exception of an umbilical hernia which developed from the original surgery. We had a huge scare in August-September 2009 when a follow-up CT scan showed a spot on his liver and shadowing on his omentum. Google is not your friend, trust me; the news was bad. I had called my brother and he spoke with doctors at the hospital he worked at. The prognosis was grim if the cancer had spread to his omentum. Scared out of my mind, I prayed and tried to remain calm.  I begged the Lord to please let him live until our daughter graduated from high school. I would be lost without him, but would be okay, but thought of how she would continue without her daddy was unbearable. This moment was far worse than his initial diagnosis. I contacted my work to get forms that would allow me to take leave to care for him. I considered putting the house up for sale; it would be a financial burden on top of already building medical expenses. A million things popped into my mind.  His PET scan and omentum and liver biopsy came back negative. He was then ready for his surgery to repair his incisional/umbilical hernia from the colectomy.  It turns out his omentum was wrapped around his gallbladder which was removed. We suspect that was the shadowing on the CT scan.

Follow-up CT scans and colonoscopies continue and as of this date there is no evidence of disease. He says I saved his life, if I hadn’t forced him to do the colonoscopy he never would have done it. I would hope that if we were not together that someone else would have pushed like I did, because if not he would not be here today.

Twenty weeks down, twenty to go!

I told you that you'd be seeing more posts coming up!! Aren't you happy?! ;)

I've got some more guest posts coming up, soon. It's colon cancer awareness month. I need to get my rear in gear and start spreading awareness again. That's one of the reasons I started this blog, after all...

Danny has a check up with the oncologist this month. Fitting. Just lab work to check his cancer marker levels. And a physical check of his scarring on his tummy. A listen to his lungs, the usual. I'm sure the appointment will involve either some chit chat about hockey or about cars. It's usually one or the other. What am I looking forward to? Hearing that we only have a couple more appointments after this one. Hearing that my husband is SO WONDERFULLY HEALTHY. That he is still a "boring patient." And I can't wait to see Dr J's face when he sees that WE ARE PREGNANT. It's really noticeable now. And, he's one of the amazing doctors we owe thanks to. He and Dr H discussed who to send Danny to for the "swimmer surgery." I think it was ultimately Dr J's call. And Dr J made sure we had time to get everything in order before treatment began, while still keeping us in the "safe zone." This amazing little baby wouldn't be kicking me right now if Dr J hadn't given us time. She wouldn't be here if he hadn't sent us to the best urologist in the area. She wouldn't be here if my husband wasn't here.
Dr H knows that we are pregnant. I'm not sure if I have mentioned that here or not. Danny hasn't had a colonoscopy since the IVF, but his mom has. And she shared the amazing news with him. He clapped his hands, said how happy he is for us. Yeah, these doctors have a special place in my heart. We are so blessed to have them as part of our cancer beating team :)

NOW! On to the pregnancy update for the week! WE ARE HALF WAY DONE!!! Can you believe it? I've been miserable since before the embryo transfer. I've been miserable since before the egg retrieval. I've been miserable since starting the birth control the month before the IVF. I've been miserable for months on end. And what else have I been? SO ABSOLUTELY GRATEFUL AND HAPPY. Because even though my body may be screaming and protesting just about everything we are putting it through, it's all so we can bring this amazing baby into this crazy world we live in. We are SO BLESSED to be in this position. We are so lucky to be the parents of this amazing little girl... And we are at that half way point now. Twenty weeks down, twenty to go. We will meet our little girl in twenty weeks! These months have FLOWN by. It feels like just last month I was taking the at-home tests. Making the trips to OU for the blood tests, then the sonograms. Wow. That's basically all I have to say... Wow.

I still need to post about the sonogram, and the gender reveal we did with the family. And soon I'll be writing letters here, to our daughter <3 I write to her in my Belly Book (thank you Jamie, for convincing me to get that book!), but there's more room here :)

Now for the Weekly quiz!

How Far Along: 20 weeks

Total Weight Gain: I'm sorry, do you really think I have a scale at home that I will willingly step on? No. Sorry. So this will be updated after appointments only LOL 

Maternity Clothes: Same as last week 

Stretch Marks: None yet. This is genetic, right?? My mom had 4 kids and didn't get stretch marks... CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOR ME, PEOPLE!!! 

Sleep: Yes, please... This time change is messing me all up. I need to go to sleep right now!

Best Moment This Week: Listening to Miss Faith read to her little sister already :) One Fish Two Fish. Baby was kicking like crazy!

Miss Anything: Cozy pants. I need them, they are what is most comfy on this prego belly. And it's too cold for them right now :( WAHHH

Movement: LOTS most days. Sunday was an off day for both her and I. I was in some serious pain and she hardly moved at all. Which of course caused a slight panic. I'm so thankful for that doppler I ordered months ago. It's saved my sanity!

Food Cravings: Basically open to anything at this point. But I do have an ice cream sandwich every night. Mmmm

Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: Just depends on the day really... 

Gender: A wonderfully amazing baby GIRL

Labor Signs: Not sure what it was I was feeling Sunday, but it wasn't a good thing. Thankfully the pains went away by mid-morning Monday... Stay in there sweet baby girl!!! 

Symptoms: Tired... Oh so tired... 

Belly Button In or Out: In

Wedding Rings On or Off: On and FALLING off.

Happy or Moody Most of the Time: I am happy most of the time <3

Looking Forward To: Going to sleep every night :)

Guest Post - Never Give Up

Hey there everyone!!!

Time for another post!! WOOHOO!!! :) Today's post isn't about me. Although I relate, oh so much, this is a guest post from a blog reader. A fellow "cancer spouse." Reading his post, I couldn't help but think of that saying "If everyone threw their problems in a pile and we saw everyone else's, we'd grab our's back." I thought we had it bad. And yeah, it was tough. It still is! But, here we are. This story I'm posting today has a happy ending, too, don't fret! But they sure had a rough go of it!

This post says more than I can. So we'll get right to it!

What I Learned As A Caregiver: Never Give Up

My wife Heather was diagnosed with a cancer called malignant pleural mesothelioma in 2005. Our first child, Lily, was only three months old at the time.  It felt like the end of the world.  Instead of preparing for Lily’s first Christmas as planned, we began a long, difficult journey to save Heather’s life. 

The doctor who diagnosed Heather offered three treatment options.  We could visit a specialist in Boston or go with either a local university hospital or a regional hospital. My wife was in shock, and her eyes pleaded for help, so it was up to me.  I chose the specialist, and that was my first decision that marked the beginning of my role as a caregiver.

Our structured life dissolved into chaos. Before the diagnosis, we had both worked full time.  Now Heather could no longer work, and I could only work part-time in order to care for her and Lily.  We were swept up in a round of hospital visits and medical appointments.  Besides caring for Heather and Lily, I had to arrange doctor appointments, make travel arrangements, make sure Lily was cared for while we traveled to and from Boston; the list went on and on.  I quickly became overwhelmed.    

Fear reared its ugly head.  I worried that my wife would die, that we would lose everything, that I'd become a homeless widower with a small child to raise all on my own. I often broke down and cried under the stress and pressure, but always in private. I had to be strong for my family, and the last thing I wanted was to show my wife how scared I was.  

I'm most grateful for all the help we received.  Friends, family, even strangers offered financial assistance and soothing words when we needed it most.  I am forever in their debt, and I've learned a thing or two about humility. My strongest advice to other caregivers is to accept help when it's offered, no matter who it’s from or what they’re offering. It lightens the load and shows us we're not alone in the fight.  

Being a caregiver isn't easy.  A cancer diagnosis creates fear, uncertainty, chaos and stress.  I think it's the most difficult challenge anyone can face.  And yet, fear and anger create even more uncertainty.  The only way to move through it is to do your best, accept that some days will not be easy, and never, ever lose hope.  

My wife went through surgery, radiation and chemotherapy.  Her chances for survival were poor.  Yet today, seven years after her mesothelioma diagnosis, Heather is cancer-free.  And as a caregiver, I learned to manage my emotions, handle stress, balance time and use persistence to great advantage.

After the diagnosis, I could never have imagined how things would turn out.  Being a caregiver taught me we're capable of moving mountains.  But it takes faith, hope, a belief in ourselves, and never giving up.

It's been a while...

Hello hello hello everyone!!! I'm SO SO sorry that these posts are so few and far between these days. I'm seriously hoping that changes very soon. I don't post often because to be 100% honest, I feel like crap most days. So I get home from work, eat, take a warm bath then go to bed. Day after day. I hurt or I'm sick (and at the same time SO SO BEYOND THANKFUL). So blogging just hasn't been happening. I try to keep those on our Facebook updated as often as possible, but I know people get sick of seeing constant pregnancy talk, so, I try not to overflow that, either.

I have plans for this blog though. Big plans. First of all, I feel like we're in more of a safe zone now. I found this little weekly "quiz" that I can do to keep you all up to date on what's going on with Baby. And that should help keep the posts coming, too...
Also, I've been in contact with another cancer-spouse. This person felt very much like my blog spoke to them and they could relate. So they will be sharing their story here in a few posts. It's not a colon cancer experience. It's a different kind of cancer. I like the idea of spreading awareness of a different type of cancer. I like the idea of focusing on cancer awareness. Because if Danny wasn't here, there would be no baby in my belly. I wouldn't have the father of my child around. He is important. And he is only here because he survived.

For those of you on our Facebook, you already know (I had to spill the beans there QUICK before someone accidentally let it slip!!)..... But, we are TEAM PINK!!!! We've been wrong since day one. So very wrong. But we love her so so much and are NOT disappointed. Please, there is no need to say "sorry" to us because we aren't having a boy. We are happy and our plans for this child haven't changed... Except for the nursery theme, that is. I will allow my daughter to play hockey like Daddy wants (but with a cage on that helmet, my daughter needs her teeth!), but her room won't be decked out in hockey sticks until she's old enough to decide that's what she wants. So, since I've got control right now.... the theme is beach/under the sea :) I'm super excited about it!!!!

I will share the stories of our doctors appointments and the gender reveal in my next post, once I get all the pics uploaded and have some more time. But Faith needs a bath and we've got to get going to Danny's hockey game which starts soon. So I will leave you with the first-ever Pregnancy Quiz on this blog!!

How Far Along: 19 weeks

Total Weight Gain: -8 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight. I was originally down 10, so I've gained back 2.

Maternity Clothes: I have some pants that need hemmed before I can really wear them

Stretch Marks: None yet. Should I have some yet?? EEEEK!! I am trying to prevent them using Save My Skin oil by Pure Romance

Sleep: I go to sleep super early these days, and I sleep well. I get up a few times a night to pee of course. And I wish our bathroom light was on a dimmer because it is BRIGHT in there. But I get back to sleep pretty quickly afterward.

Best Moment This Week: Finding out we are having a little GIRL <3

Miss Anything: Having an appetite, being able to eat without feeling like I'm going to throw up WELL before I'm full.

Movement: She is most active in the mornings and when I'm about to go to bed. Also when I'm sleeping. You can see her MORPH my belly into weird shapes. And you can feel her from the outside already, too.

Food Cravings: Anything that I will be able to eat without immediately starting to sweat and fighting off the vomit... not many things fit into this category :(

Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: Everything

Gender: A wonderfully amazing baby GIRL

Labor Signs: Goodness no, thank you God

Symptoms: I feel like I'm still in first tri, even though I'm almost half way through the entire pregnancy.

Belly Button In or Out: In

Wedding Rings On or Off: On and FALLING off. Weight loss, you stink!

Happy or Moody Most of the Time: I am ecstatic when I think about this baby girl. I am moody with most of the people in this world. Especially those that don't like our Baby Girl's name (I will share here with you blog followers once my skin thickens up a bit... I'm still a bit bitter) 

Looking Forward To: A 3d ultrasound... That I still need to schedule :)