This post is going to be a quick one.... But it's a little different. If you're a crier, well, grab your tissues. I don't think anything I say will make you cry, but the poem at the end... yeah... I sat at work bawling yesterday when I read it. Note to self: When Kristy sends you an email with the subject like "You might cry" just don't open it... at least not while at work!
I don't think I need to remind anyone (although I haven't talked about it much on here) that we were originally pregnant with twins. A and B. Thing 1 and Thing 2. Both with heartbeats. Both looked the exact same but were just different sizes. One was big, one was small. But both had heartbeats. I SAW THOSE HEARTBEATS. Both of them.
I told myself going into that sonogram that day that there was probably only one embryo that stuck, based on my numbers... And that I was okay with that if that was the case. It meant the other just wasn't meant to be...
And then my uterus popped up on that screen... And there were two of everything. Two beautiful little... well, blobs.... Two beautiful little LIVES growing right there in front of my eyes, with heartbeats! I could HEAR the doctor saying that the smaller baby probably wouldn't make it. "This one probably won't be viable." Won't be viable? It's viable. It's right there. That baby is alive right now.... That's all I could think...
I prayed and prayed.... I prayed to God, I told Him that I trusted that He was with us and He knew what He was doing. Whatever the outcome... I handed it over to God. And it was the hardest thing to do. I did everything I could to keep my body in the best shape as possible. I didn't make a single decision without thinking about our BABIES. Because there were two. And their well being comes first....
Going into the next sonogram, I wasn't sure what I'd see. But I WANTED my doctor to be wrong. I wanted to prove that a smaller baby didn't mean he or she wouldn't make it. But, alas, that's not how it played out. That wasn't God's plan. I KNOW that God has our best interests in mind. I know how hard this singleton pregnancy has been on me, and if we had to times that by two? Well, there's no telling what kind of shape I'd be in...
I'm ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC that we have this little one right now, in my belly, and that she's so active and healthy... And that makes it even harder to grieve the loss of Baby B. Since the day we found out that he or she was gone, I felt like I couldn't voice how upset I was to anyone. I was thankful for Baby A, of course. But I also was grieving the loss of her brother or sister. The twin she'd never know. That we'd never know. Not until we get to Heaven anyway....
Finding out our amazingly wonderful daughter was in fact, a daughter, was a wonderful day... And then there was that thought bubble that pops up at random times through out the day "I wonder if Baby B was a boy or girl... I wonder what we'd be doing with the nursery if they had both made it...."
And that's the thing... I think about Baby A constantly. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about Baby B, every day. Every single day. During the day he or she pops up into my mind at random times, but any time I pray, well he or she is a main part of my prayers. That he or she is watching over his sisters. That he or she is happy up there with our loved ones we've lost.... That my Uncle Ray is teaching him or her to be as ornery as he was....
So that's where I am on a daily... And I have a hard time connecting with some people who have had miscarriages because I feel like they have it worse than me. I lost a baby, yes... But at the exact same time, one baby was still growing and thriving. That's not fair to them, is it? To grieve as much as they do? And then there are the people who have experienced multiple losses. My heart absolutely aches for them. I don't know how they get through the days sometimes. Really, I don't.
One thing I think that is obvious though, is that my friends rock. My friends who have gone through so much, too... They never make me feel like my emotions and feelings aren't justified. They've NEVER made me feel like I'm not allowed to grieve, or that my loss is less than theirs. They are supportive of me just as I am of them. I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for, and I thank God for them daily as well!!!
So... Now on to the wonderful poem that touched my heart yesterday. A poem I think anyone who has lost a baby should read (a baby at any age, I might add)...
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard Him say.
“A Mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby’s not with you?”
“Yes, you can,” He replied
With confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.”
“I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
“I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
With all the other children and say…
‘We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here.’
“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
it’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!”
Our Wedding Day
On our wedding day 6/13/09 (Just 5 days before finding his tumor)
Friday, April 5, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
22 and 23 week updates!
Okay, prepare for a LONG post. It's a 22 & 23 week post, with a doctor visit thrown in. I had my 22 week post all done and ready to post last week and something happened with blogger and I lost over half of it... Then I was sick, like super duper sick... and then I needed to write a 23 week update, PLUS I had my 23 week appt thrown in there. So. It's all going to be HERE. The 22 week update is at the bottom, since that's the way my posts are normally posted (older at the bottom). And 23 week/dr appt on the top!
23 weeks... Oh good gracious! I am growing by the day... and I'm not the only one noticing. As the weather gets warmer I'm ditching the hoodies. The hoodies which have inadvertently hidden my growing baby bump!! Almost daily I hear "OH MY GOSH YOU'RE SO BIG." I don't mind hearing that right now, because it's quite obviously all baby. I feel huge, my balance is all thrown off, and I can feel that I'm carrying around the extra weight. I can't walk past a mirror without glancing over and feeling SHOCKED AND SURPRISED at this belly. This amazing part of my body that is housing our daughter and keeping her safe and warm and happy. My hips have disappeared. Nothing seems to look the same to me. And I know that once I get even bigger and when the swelling starts (hello hot summer pregnancy) I'm going to hate looking in the mirror... and I'm going to HATE hearing about how big I am. Because believe me, I'll know. I am aware that it comes with the territory. I'm aware that almost every pregnant woman hears it. I am aware I WILL hear it. But if you tell me how big I am when I am 9 months pregnant, prepare to be kicked in the shin. This is your warning ;)
Week 22 to 23 was a rough time. I was perfectly fine one minute, and then could feel my body going downhill. Feeling too warm, stomach uneasiness... Sleep helped... Until I went to work the next day and it happened again. Only I wasn't too warm. I was HOT. I was miserable. I went outside to cool off, It was cold enough for a coat and I was sitting out there rolling up my long sleeves and sweating... And then I got sick. I work with my mom so she tried to help me. Gotta love her, she's never been one to help out any of us kids when it comes to vomit. But she tried. As did my "second mom." I ended up going back inside, finishing up the thing I was working on, and going home.
I called Danny when I got home, and told him I'd gotten sick at work and that I was home. I hadn't felt our sweet baby move at all that day, and I was a little worried about that. I told him I was going to listen in on the home-doppler, and he stayed on the phone with me....
"I don't even know where to start looking for her heartbeat now that she's so big...." I put some gel on my stomach in her usual spot, put the doppler in the gel, and turned it on....
Nothing....
I moved it around a little and heard a few bumps.
"That's you, not her..." Oh... I didn't even realize he could hear that...
I moved it again.... And again....
WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP
"There. There she is." Yep, there is our wonderful girl, she's just been calm because I've been so miserable.
"Yeah, that's definitely her heart beat. It's in the 140s."
"Okay, well, now that I know she's fine, I've got to get back to work. Get some rest, and call me if you need anything."
Hot cold hot cold hot cold. Sweating. Freezing. Sweating. Freezing. Cover up, uncover. Cover up, uncover. I was miserable for days... And then it was Thursday and it was appointment day. I figured it was good timing. I couldn't get control of the fever, and I figured Dr C would have some advice...
Danny ended up taking off work early to take me to my appointment. We arrived about 10 minutes early and were informed that Dr C was out for a delivery but we could wait.. for about 45 minutes. Yikes. We waited though, because I knew I needed to see her or talk to her about the fever at least. So we waited.... and waited....
Eventually we got called back. First step, as usual, is that scale. That awful awful AWFUL scale that I have been fighting my entire pregnancy. Not the same way so many people battle it. I was battling to see the number go up....
Beep beep beep. 115. Wait, what? 115?!?! Is this for real? I GAINED FIVE POUNDS!!!! FINALLY!!!!!
We were taken to a room where I answered the usual questions and had my blood pressure checked... Then we had to wait for Dr C.
"I gained five pounds!!"
"Five??"
"Yep. Five pounds."
"Well, finally. I'm sure the doctor will be happy about that babe." Ahhh I hope so!
We waited for quite a while... in a room that was much too warm. Especially for me poor body that couldn't control a temperature at all...
Finally Dr C came in...
"Hey guys!! How are you doing? Better I hope?"
"Ohhh Dr C. Up until this week, I've been REALLY great. Very few headaches, the nausea isn't nearly as often. It's been GREAT. But this week I guess I caught a bug or something..."
I went on to explain all of my lovely symptoms. She asked if I had a few other symptoms, which I did not. And she wanted to feel around on my belly. She felt around, measured, and then went to listen for the heart beat.
WHOOMP WHOOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP There was some static which I'm not used to hearing on her doppler, and she listened to Baby Girl for quite a lot longer than usual. WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP. Perfect little heart beat in the 140s, which is normal for her.
"Well, she sounds good. Stay on top of your fever as best you can with Tylenol, and if it doesn't go away SOON, give us a call. Also, if you develop a rash, or a sore throat, call. Now, I need you to watch your temperature closely. If it gets to 102, no matter how you feel, if it gets to 102, you need to be seen IMMEDIATELY." Why if it gets to 102? Why is that the magic number? What does that mean? Where is our thermometer at? Our old thermometer which probably doesn't work right.....
"Okay, well I will see you again in one month. And that's when you'll have your gestational diabetes testing. We'll give you an orange drink when you check in, then I'll see you like I normally do, and then about an hour after you've had the drink then you'll go down for lab work. Easy peasy." Ohhhh that drink. That marvelous drink I've heard so much about. I hope I can manage to drink it without throwing up. Ugh.
We scheduled my next appointment and left... While walking out to the car Danny took charge of the thermometer situation. I guess the same thoughts were running through his mind...
"We should probably stop at the store and get a new thermometer...." Well ooookaaaayyyy.
So we did. We ate dinner and then went to WalMart for a thermometer. And ice cream. Because, you know, a sick girl needs ice cream.
Now for the weekly update!
...............................................................................................................................................
Whoa... we are officially 22 weeks into this pregnancy. 18 more to go. And only two more weeks until "V-Day." No, I haven't lost my mind, I'm not talking about Valentine's Day. I'm talking about Viability Day. If you've been pregnant, you probably know what that means. If not, well, you're not alone. I didn't either for the longest time. I saw references to "V-Day" all over the pregnancy forums. Nobody really explained it though, so off to google I went.
About.com gave me the answer I was looking for. I will just go ahead and quote it:
Strictly speaking, most doctors define the age of viability as being about 24 weeks of gestation. In many hospitals, 24 weeks is the cutoff point for when doctors will use intensive medical intervention to attempt to save the life of a baby born prematurely. A baby born at 24 weeks would generally require a lot of intervention, potentially including mechanical ventilation and other invasive treatments followed by a lengthy stay in a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU).In the hands of experienced specialists, though, babies born slightly earlier may have a chance at survival. Babies born at 23 weeks may survive with these specialists in a state-of-the-art NICU, but the odds of survival are much lower. The earliest baby to have ever survived premature birth was born at 21 weeks and 6 days, and this was reported in the news as having been a "miracle."Odds of survival increase as the pregnancy progresses, and even an extra week in the womb can make a difference. In general, premature babies born closer to 37 weeks will be much better off than those born before 28 weeks.
There you have it. Yes there are babies born before 24 weeks that have survived. But it's not common. So, that 24 week marker is really a big deal. Unfortunately, not all babies make it even AFTER that 24 weeks. So, to me, 24 weeks is just another little milestone. I'm not going to hit 24 weeks and assume all will be well or that Baby is somehow guaranteed to make it. At this point, I know too much. And it's not just by doing research (I really haven't done much). It's from experiences of friends and family members. It's seeing that hurt that a mom experiences when she loses her baby. It's never "safe." Nothing ever really is, is it? Ugh...
So... yeah... 22 weeks! That's where we are. And we are a month out from our 3D sonogram!! April 27th can't come fast enough! We will get to see our little girl again! And Faith will get to see her on the big screen while she's moving and kicking and squirming! I can't wait!! We booked the appointment a while ago. You have to book in advance, especially for a Saturday appointment. We only have Faith every other Saturday. And they recommend doing the 3d scan during specific weeks in order to get the best view... We have Faith's birthday party already planned, my two baby showers planned... That left us with, LITERALLY, one day. One option. I called immediately once I realized that, and they had an opening for that day!! I snatched it up, of course! April 27th :) Let the countdown begin!!!
Now on to the weekly update.....
23 weeks... Oh good gracious! I am growing by the day... and I'm not the only one noticing. As the weather gets warmer I'm ditching the hoodies. The hoodies which have inadvertently hidden my growing baby bump!! Almost daily I hear "OH MY GOSH YOU'RE SO BIG." I don't mind hearing that right now, because it's quite obviously all baby. I feel huge, my balance is all thrown off, and I can feel that I'm carrying around the extra weight. I can't walk past a mirror without glancing over and feeling SHOCKED AND SURPRISED at this belly. This amazing part of my body that is housing our daughter and keeping her safe and warm and happy. My hips have disappeared. Nothing seems to look the same to me. And I know that once I get even bigger and when the swelling starts (hello hot summer pregnancy) I'm going to hate looking in the mirror... and I'm going to HATE hearing about how big I am. Because believe me, I'll know. I am aware that it comes with the territory. I'm aware that almost every pregnant woman hears it. I am aware I WILL hear it. But if you tell me how big I am when I am 9 months pregnant, prepare to be kicked in the shin. This is your warning ;)
Week 22 to 23 was a rough time. I was perfectly fine one minute, and then could feel my body going downhill. Feeling too warm, stomach uneasiness... Sleep helped... Until I went to work the next day and it happened again. Only I wasn't too warm. I was HOT. I was miserable. I went outside to cool off, It was cold enough for a coat and I was sitting out there rolling up my long sleeves and sweating... And then I got sick. I work with my mom so she tried to help me. Gotta love her, she's never been one to help out any of us kids when it comes to vomit. But she tried. As did my "second mom." I ended up going back inside, finishing up the thing I was working on, and going home.
I called Danny when I got home, and told him I'd gotten sick at work and that I was home. I hadn't felt our sweet baby move at all that day, and I was a little worried about that. I told him I was going to listen in on the home-doppler, and he stayed on the phone with me....
"I don't even know where to start looking for her heartbeat now that she's so big...." I put some gel on my stomach in her usual spot, put the doppler in the gel, and turned it on....
Nothing....
I moved it around a little and heard a few bumps.
"That's you, not her..." Oh... I didn't even realize he could hear that...
I moved it again.... And again....
WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP
"There. There she is." Yep, there is our wonderful girl, she's just been calm because I've been so miserable.
"Yeah, that's definitely her heart beat. It's in the 140s."
"Okay, well, now that I know she's fine, I've got to get back to work. Get some rest, and call me if you need anything."
Hot cold hot cold hot cold. Sweating. Freezing. Sweating. Freezing. Cover up, uncover. Cover up, uncover. I was miserable for days... And then it was Thursday and it was appointment day. I figured it was good timing. I couldn't get control of the fever, and I figured Dr C would have some advice...
Danny ended up taking off work early to take me to my appointment. We arrived about 10 minutes early and were informed that Dr C was out for a delivery but we could wait.. for about 45 minutes. Yikes. We waited though, because I knew I needed to see her or talk to her about the fever at least. So we waited.... and waited....
Eventually we got called back. First step, as usual, is that scale. That awful awful AWFUL scale that I have been fighting my entire pregnancy. Not the same way so many people battle it. I was battling to see the number go up....
Beep beep beep. 115. Wait, what? 115?!?! Is this for real? I GAINED FIVE POUNDS!!!! FINALLY!!!!!
We were taken to a room where I answered the usual questions and had my blood pressure checked... Then we had to wait for Dr C.
"I gained five pounds!!"
"Five??"
"Yep. Five pounds."
"Well, finally. I'm sure the doctor will be happy about that babe." Ahhh I hope so!
We waited for quite a while... in a room that was much too warm. Especially for me poor body that couldn't control a temperature at all...
Finally Dr C came in...
"Hey guys!! How are you doing? Better I hope?"
"Ohhh Dr C. Up until this week, I've been REALLY great. Very few headaches, the nausea isn't nearly as often. It's been GREAT. But this week I guess I caught a bug or something..."
I went on to explain all of my lovely symptoms. She asked if I had a few other symptoms, which I did not. And she wanted to feel around on my belly. She felt around, measured, and then went to listen for the heart beat.
WHOOMP WHOOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP There was some static which I'm not used to hearing on her doppler, and she listened to Baby Girl for quite a lot longer than usual. WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP. Perfect little heart beat in the 140s, which is normal for her.
"Well, she sounds good. Stay on top of your fever as best you can with Tylenol, and if it doesn't go away SOON, give us a call. Also, if you develop a rash, or a sore throat, call. Now, I need you to watch your temperature closely. If it gets to 102, no matter how you feel, if it gets to 102, you need to be seen IMMEDIATELY." Why if it gets to 102? Why is that the magic number? What does that mean? Where is our thermometer at? Our old thermometer which probably doesn't work right.....
"Okay, well I will see you again in one month. And that's when you'll have your gestational diabetes testing. We'll give you an orange drink when you check in, then I'll see you like I normally do, and then about an hour after you've had the drink then you'll go down for lab work. Easy peasy." Ohhhh that drink. That marvelous drink I've heard so much about. I hope I can manage to drink it without throwing up. Ugh.
We scheduled my next appointment and left... While walking out to the car Danny took charge of the thermometer situation. I guess the same thoughts were running through his mind...
"We should probably stop at the store and get a new thermometer...." Well ooookaaaayyyy.
So we did. We ate dinner and then went to WalMart for a thermometer. And ice cream. Because, you know, a sick girl needs ice cream.
Now for the weekly update!
How Far Along: 23 weeks
Total Weight Gain: FIVE POUNDS!! I'm around my prepregnancy weight now! FINALLY!!!
Maternity Clothes: Deena is hemming my jeans!
Stretch Marks: Still keeping my fingers crossed, so far so good!
Sleep: I love sleep. Especially when I'm not up all night because a little girl is playing hop scotch on my bladder....
Best Moment This Week: My fever finally going away! And finding out I finally gained some weight!
Miss Anything: Ummm, I'm okay.
Movement: All the time!!! This is a busy little girl in here!
Food Cravings: Ice cream sandwiches
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: Just depends on the day...
Gender: A wonderfully amazing baby GIRL
Labor Signs: Nope
Symptoms: A growing baby bump ;)
Belly Button In or Out: In
Wedding Rings On or Off: On
Happy or Moody Most of the Time: Happy unless you tick me off. Then I stay mad at you for... ever. >>same
Looking Forward To: The 3d ultrasound still! April 27th can't come fast enough!!!!
...............................................................................................................................................
Whoa... we are officially 22 weeks into this pregnancy. 18 more to go. And only two more weeks until "V-Day." No, I haven't lost my mind, I'm not talking about Valentine's Day. I'm talking about Viability Day. If you've been pregnant, you probably know what that means. If not, well, you're not alone. I didn't either for the longest time. I saw references to "V-Day" all over the pregnancy forums. Nobody really explained it though, so off to google I went.
About.com gave me the answer I was looking for. I will just go ahead and quote it:
Strictly speaking, most doctors define the age of viability as being about 24 weeks of gestation. In many hospitals, 24 weeks is the cutoff point for when doctors will use intensive medical intervention to attempt to save the life of a baby born prematurely. A baby born at 24 weeks would generally require a lot of intervention, potentially including mechanical ventilation and other invasive treatments followed by a lengthy stay in a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU).In the hands of experienced specialists, though, babies born slightly earlier may have a chance at survival. Babies born at 23 weeks may survive with these specialists in a state-of-the-art NICU, but the odds of survival are much lower. The earliest baby to have ever survived premature birth was born at 21 weeks and 6 days, and this was reported in the news as having been a "miracle."Odds of survival increase as the pregnancy progresses, and even an extra week in the womb can make a difference. In general, premature babies born closer to 37 weeks will be much better off than those born before 28 weeks.
There you have it. Yes there are babies born before 24 weeks that have survived. But it's not common. So, that 24 week marker is really a big deal. Unfortunately, not all babies make it even AFTER that 24 weeks. So, to me, 24 weeks is just another little milestone. I'm not going to hit 24 weeks and assume all will be well or that Baby is somehow guaranteed to make it. At this point, I know too much. And it's not just by doing research (I really haven't done much). It's from experiences of friends and family members. It's seeing that hurt that a mom experiences when she loses her baby. It's never "safe." Nothing ever really is, is it? Ugh...
So... yeah... 22 weeks! That's where we are. And we are a month out from our 3D sonogram!! April 27th can't come fast enough! We will get to see our little girl again! And Faith will get to see her on the big screen while she's moving and kicking and squirming! I can't wait!! We booked the appointment a while ago. You have to book in advance, especially for a Saturday appointment. We only have Faith every other Saturday. And they recommend doing the 3d scan during specific weeks in order to get the best view... We have Faith's birthday party already planned, my two baby showers planned... That left us with, LITERALLY, one day. One option. I called immediately once I realized that, and they had an opening for that day!! I snatched it up, of course! April 27th :) Let the countdown begin!!!
Now on to the weekly update.....
How Far Along: 22 weeks
Total Weight Gain: I stepped on a scale recently, but I was wearing heavy boots so I'm not sure that number is reliable.... Still blank here
Maternity Clothes: Deena is hemming my jeans!
Stretch Marks: Still keeping my fingers crossed, so far so good!
Sleep: I love sleep. I've been sick, and the fever has been waking me up. But other than that, it's great!
Best Moment This Week: Telling Faith about the 3d sonogram :)
Miss Anything: A normal sized bladder that isn't used as a trampoline!
Movement: All the time!!!
Food Cravings: Anything, basically
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: Just depends on the day...
Gender: A wonderfully amazing baby GIRL
Labor Signs: Nope
Symptoms: A growing baby bump ;)
Belly Button In or Out: In
Wedding Rings On or Off: On... And Deena made me a maternity necklace to hold them when the swelling gets bad...
Happy or Moody Most of the Time: Happy unless you tick me off. Then I stay mad at you for... ever.
Looking Forward To: The 3d sonogram!!!
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