Our Wedding Day

Our Wedding Day
On our wedding day 6/13/09 (Just 5 days before finding his tumor)

Friday, July 11, 2014


Let's get right back to where we left off....

Danny was scheduled for a PET scan and we were scheduled to see the doctor again. We only had to wait about 2 more weeks to get any sort of results/plan/see the doctor. What's two more weeks, right? Just two more weeks of hell is all....

Before we knew it, though, the days had passed. We went to work that day, knowing that by the end of our work day we'd know our course of action. We'd finally have a plan in place to beat this cancer.

We went to lunch together and we headed to Danny's dr appt. PET scan results and a plan of action, that's what we needed.
We checked in with the nurse, Danny got his vitals taken. All the norm.... Until Dr J walked in. He heaved a big sigh.
Well that can't be good.
"Okay you two... First, how are you feeling?" I'm sure he's not doing too great considering that sigh you just gave us... 
"I'm okay, nervous over these results."
"Well, I have the PET scan results here. The good news is it doesn't look to have spread anywhere. The problem is the scan didn't really light up at all. Even where we know the tumor is." But, that's good news, right? It hasn't spread anywhere else... That's GOOD. 
"Now. I feel like you deserve to know what's going on. You deserve answers." Well, FINALLY.
"This spot... It's not on the liver or in the liver. It would honestly be better if it was either of those things. Instead it's just NEAR the liver. It's recurrent colon cancer. And it's dangerously close to some arteries and veins and ducts. Being that close, there isn't any surgeon here that can go in and get it out. It's too dangerous. So. It's technically inoperable. And that makes it incurable. We could probably control the cancer with chemo for... I'd give it about two years."
Cue my world crumbling down around me.
Two years? TWO YEARS?!?! No. Ryssa and Faith need their dad. Ryssa needs MEMORIES with her Daddy. This can't be. No. Someone will operate. Someone WILL get it out of there. Someone, somewhere. We'll go anywhere. ANY. WHERE. Someone will save him!! I won't take no for an answer.
"Now, I don't know if you guys know, but I am retiring. In a week. So, I'll transfer you to Dr D____. He's very knowledgeable on colon cancer and I have complete confidence in him." Yeah yeah yeah, we knew you were retiring. TWO YEARS? This cannot be happening. 
"I don't talk to my wife about my patients... Ever. But, I have to admit I've talked to her about you this week. You're young, with a young family. A very young baby. I don't want you to settle. I want you to find a surgeon who will figure this out. So, if you're willing... I'd like to send you to MD Anderson in Houston. There is one other option, you'd travel North to ______, but I'd prefer you to go South to Houston, and MD Anderson, for this. I think if anyone will have a surgeon willing to try, it would be there." Done, we're going. Why are you even asking? That's our only option, we're going. Losing isn't an option. Giving up isn't an option. Surgery it is. We'll find someone.
"Is that something you'd be willing to do? Travel to Houston?" YES!!!!! 
"Well, we'll have to figure out how to afford it. But yes. Let's set the appointments up. I want to fight this." There's my husband. There's my fighter. Fighting for his wife and his girls. 

We walked out of that office and stopped at a desk to set up his MD Anderson appointments. A lady said she'd take care of it. Then we had to wait for Danny to get his flu shot. An afterthought, because we had anticipated him going through chemo again.
We sat in the waiting room. And I cried. Quietly, with nose running, I cried. A lady a few seats over handed me a Kleenex. And I cried some more. Danny's pager went off and he went to get his shot. And I cried some more. And then I felt a sense of urgency.
We have to get to Houston. We have to. We have to find someone that will save him. How can I help make this happen? 
And then I remembered a friend who helped us raise funds for IVF had offered to have another QM for us. I sent her a message. I didn't explain in detail, just that we'd have to travel and we'd take the help she offered.

Danny was done and we left. His mom had Ryssa that day, and I knew I couldn't go back to work and actually work. So, I decided to go back to work, get my stuff, and then head to Vickie's. Danny was going to head back to work, explain the situation, and meet me there.

I walked into work, grabbed my stuff and my pump... And ran into my mom. She could read my face all too well, as moms do. And I told her what we were told.
She hugged me.
And she told me that we'd figure this out. We'd get to Houston, somehow. And I believed her. As daughters do.

Then I had to head to get my baby. From my mother in law. I knew I was going to beat Danny there. And what in the world was I supposed to tell her in those minutes while we waited for him to show up? A mom isn't willing to wait on news of her son. So. I told her. I held Ryssa, and I told her what we were told. And somehow, I held it together.
Together we made a plan. She agreed to go to Houston with us, to take care of Rys during Danny's appointments. Rys had to come since she nursed and we couldn't leave her for a week, we just couldn't. Just knowing someone could go and help with her, one less stress and worry taken form me, was enough of a release that I felt like I had some semblance of control again. That there was hope. Hope is what we rely on, every day, it seems.
Danny finally got there, from work. And we talked some more. Went over what the doctor had said. What MD Anderson was. How long of a trip it would be. How much driving it would take, if we should drive, or fly. What was cheapest. What our options were. All the while my phone was absolutely exploding with texts since I'd sent out just a few to update people.
Faith's mom was one of the first to get updated, and we were sure to tell her NOT to say a WORD to Faith. She had been unaware of the cancer, and we wanted to keep her that way. We were NOT going to tell her that the doctors were giving us two years. We were NOT going to tell her that no surgeon here would be willing to try to save him. We were going to tell her GOOD news, once we got it. AFTER our trip to Houston, we'd tell her. And we'd tell her that they WOULD cure him.
And one of my best friends was asking questions, asking permission to share our story on a separate page, website thing, in order to  help us get to Houston.

We had a plan, things were falling into place. We were just back to the waiting game. Waiting for MD Anderson to get back with us to set up the appointments, then I could book our rooms. We could decide on the route to drive, make plans to see loved ones on the way there and back. I was making lists for things to pack. Because when a planner has no control over the big picture, they embrace what they do have control over. That's what I did.

More to come next week, I promise!

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Why is everything always a fight...

Oh hey! I'm back again! It took longer to get back to the computer than I expected. Busy days turn into busy weeks and all that... I'm elbow deep in planning Ryssa's FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY next week! I cannot believe our precious miracle baby is about to turn one!!

Now... back to our latest journey.

I left off with us home from the hospital finally, and taking Ryssa's 2 month cupcake picture! The next week we met with Dr J, as we would normally have regardless of the blockage. It was "that time" of the year after all. We had dropped off the scans well before the appointment, and expected to hear his opinion on what they showed... And we did.
We went to one of our normal rooms, but when Dr J finally came in, he escorted us out of that room... down the hallway... into his office. He gave Danny his big leather chair. I stood beside him. Dr J crouched down next to his computer screen and scrolled through.... Danny's CT scan?? He pointed things out. Here and there, this is this, that is that.
"That spot there? That's basically air. There's no real solid tumors here that I can see... I really don't believe that this... thing... is cancer. It's probably just irritation. Or nothing at all. Your cancer doesn't typically spread to this area in particular anyway..." blah blah blah.
Probably not cancer? Well, surely if Dr H doesn't think it's cancer, and neither does Dr J, then it's not. It can't be. These two doctors are amazing, they have been right every time. They've got to be right this time... They've got to....
We went back to our normal room and went through Danny's normal physical exam and went over all the normal questions.
"So, you've had the baby! How old is the little one?"
"She's two months. She's amazing."
I showed him a picture. And we chatted about how technology is amazing and how he loves getting pictures of his grandchildren.
As we were walking out, we stopped with his scheduler and scheduled a biopsy for the following week.

Fast forward that week, and you'll bypass all the confusion we had over some other doc doing the biopsy and not Dr H like we'd thought.

We showed up to the hospital for the CT guided biopsy. The nurse who was checking us in just added to the confusion. Words were thrown around like liver biopsy. Liver? What?? What does this have to do with the liver? It's just a lymph node.. Isn't it??

We were on edge, Danny was grumpy over the confusion. We didn't understand what was going on... We felt very much in the dark. Not how we like to be. We were told that Danny couldn't go to work after the biopsy. That was news. Can you tell why we were aggravated?
They eventually took Danny back for the CT/biopsy. I waited in a room with a TV and a crossword puzzle. But my eyes were scrolling through the internet, reading about the duodenum and liver and colon cancer spreading there...
"Mrs Crabb?" Oh gosh, please tell me some sort of good news... Please...
"That's me."
"We're all done with Daniel. The tumor isn't fluid, like we'd all thought. I tried to pull out liquid with the syringe, nothing came out. So we went in and pulled out a regular biopsy. It's mucous. What we'd expect with a mucoso-blahblahblah." A what? Okay... What does that mean? It's not just fluid... so what is it? OH NO.
"He'll be awake soon and a nurse will come get you when he does..."
Back to the phone, back to google. Back to searching and searching, and now adding in mucoso-something to my search....

We expected results soon, but they didn't come soon enough. It got to the point that we were calling and calling and calling with no return calls. It then got to the point that we just assumed that no news was good news. Or, I did, anyway...
We got back into "normal" life. Get up, take Rys to the sitter, go to work, pick Rys up from the sitter, come home, Danny would meet us outside and carry Ryssa inside...
And one day, everything changed... I took Rys, went to work, went and got her... And headed home.
I pulled into the driveway, got my bag and Ryssa's bag, and got out of the car. I looked up expecting to see Danny coming out, as he always does, to get Rys. And there he was.
Something is wrong. Something is so very very wrong. Oh my God. Stand up Destiny, your knees are buckling.
"What? What is it?"
Danny's face crumpled. And I died a little inside.
"It's bad, Destiny." No, no no no no no. Please no, God, why? WHY?
"What?! It's back? It's cancer??"
I know I was getting hysterical...
"We'll talk inside, let's get Ryssa inside." Yeah, we need to get inside. Oh my gosh, no. This isn't real. This isn't real life. 
And so we went inside.

Danny finally got a call back on his way home from work that day. The nurse told him the biopsy results. "Positive for liver cancer," were her exact words. Liver cancer? How does he beat colon cancer and then get liver cancer? How does that make any sense?
Danny asked me to please not google it, because he already did... and it wasn't good. In fact, it was terrible.

I found myself questioning everything. Why couldn't we just enjoy happy times? We couldn't enjoy being newlyweds without cancer messing that up. And now we couldn't enjoy a new baby because of cancer again... Was God punishing us for bringing a baby into the world, when we had to use science to get her? Was that the trade? You can have a baby but you'll lose your husband? How is that fair? Why us? Why can't we just be normal and have a baby and enjoy life and maybe plan on our future... Instead of always fighting for life. Fighting for my husband to live, fighting to bring a new life into this world, and now fighting for my husband to live again. WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS A FIGHT.

I called my mom that night, Danny's mom came over. We all cried a lot that night. I sent a few texts out to friends because everyone knew we were expecting the results any time. The responses we received were all meant to comfort us, but all they did for me was bring more tears.

That's all for today. I'm going to keep writing though, and you can expect another post tomorrow!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

10 months later... An update on Baby, Life, and Cancer....

Rys just turned 10 months old, well, a couple weeks ago. Time has been getting away from me for too long. I apologize, sincerely, for not keeping any of you updated. I have lots of reasons for having ZERO time, but, we'll get to that.... I feel awful that this blog has just stopped. It's time to get it going again. Especially since yet again, I'm laid off from work (the aircraft industry has yet to fully recover from the recession, hopefully someday soon it will).

I started this blog while I was laid off from work in 2012. The following was amazing and the fundraisers worked wonders, and along with a loan from a friend we were able to do IVF and you can see in the most recent (haha, not recent at all) posts how that went. Rys is an absolute joy to our lives. And she came with perfect timing. Far more perfect than we ever could have anticipated.

July was full of excitement and the newness of baby. We struggled with nursing, and I struggled to recover from labor and child birth. But we got through it and in August we had things figured out, Rys was back to her birth weight, and we were golden... I got to spend the following weeks just enjoying my time with my baby girl, not a care in the world...

September handed us a whole new set of troubles. Feelings we hadn't felt in years came roaring back. I've given the short story on our new Facebook group, Danny's team. But here I'll go into the details. As many details as I can, while still keeping my sanity.

Going along with how I began this blog... I'll go back to the beginning. The beginning of this latest journey we're on.

Rys turned 8 weeks old, and I had finally officially recovered from having her. It seemed to take forever to recover physically, but the 8 weeks with a newborn flew by faster than anyone could have prepared me for. I went back to work, just a couple days before the weekend (easier to cope that way). That weekend couldn't have been any sweeter, I missed Rys so much while I worked!! Sundays Danny plays hockey. So, that Sunday, as usual, we headed to the rink. He hadn't been feeling too well all day, but you can't keep that man away from hockey. So I didn't bother trying. The game went okay, with one pretty rough collision between Danny and another guy. The game ended pretty late but we hadn't had dinner, so we stopped and grabbed some food on the way home. I started eating and Danny took two bites, and proceeded to run to the bathroom to throw up.
What on earth?? Danny never throws up...
Danny went to lay down afterward, but I was worried. He was in pain, and not just pain that will go away with an advil and sleep. Serious pain. We all know how that goes. His pain tolerance is insane, so when he's visibly hurting, you know it's not good...
After some more trips to the bathroom, I asked Danny if he thought we should go to the ER. He eventually gave in, and we took Rys to my mom and headed to the hospital.

The trip brought back the memories of rushing to the hospital when I was in labor. The feeling in our car wasn't excitement like before, though. It was full of worry and tension. We pulled into the parking lot and started walking toward the door, and Danny found a bush to attempt to throw up in again. An EMT noticed and walked over with a bag for him and offered him a wheelchair. Danny said no thanks, but took the bag, and we went inside.
I checked Danny in with the nurse at the front desk.
Sick as a dog? "He's throwing up, stomach pain, no fever."
"The stomach bug IS going around."
Yeahh... This isn't the bug, lady, I know it's not.
They got Danny back pretty quickly, considering all the complaints people usually have for the ER.
IV, fluids, and some pain meds came first... And then someone looked through Danny's file...

"You have a history of colon cancer, Mr Crabb?"
"Yes, in 09."
"Okay, we're going to go ahead and have a CT scan done on you, just to check and make sure everything is okay and there's not a blockage or anything."
Blockage? Like a tumor blocking off his colon? Like, the cancer could be back? No.. That can't be it.. It's just a blockage from scar tissue or something. No reason to stress. No reason to stress. 

The CT was done and, sure enough, there was a blockage. They proceeded to put a tube down Danny's nose all the way down to his stomach to pull everything UP out of him so it would stop pushing on the blockage. That wasn't producing anything, and they decided to admit him to get it under control.
This was around 1 am or so. I was texting our moms to keep them updated. And making sure my mom could handle Ryssa. I'd left enough frozen milk to get her through the night, but I didn't have my pump with me so I knew I'd be in some pain. I wasn't worried about me though.
Sunday night in a big hospital you'd think it would be slow and quiet... And it was, once we  got a room. Finding a room was hard though because the hospital was COMPLETELY FULL. They switched some people around and made room for Danny. On a surgical recovery floor. We tried to settle in for the night, but it wasn't a good rest.

The next morning I left Danny, even though I didn't want to, to go get my pump and take more milk to my mom. My niece had stayed home from school to help take care of Rys, and the two of them together still had their hands full. That day I struggled to stay ahead of Ryssa's milk needs while trying to make sure I was fulling understanding everything that was being said about this blockage. The doctor we'd seen had said the blockage wasn't a tumor, it was from scar tissue, called lesions, just like I'd thought. But, something just felt off. I stayed positive, but I was worried.

Neither of us felt comfortable listening to anyone except for Dr H. He promised he'd get to us after his meeting, which would be around 9 pm. I'd already missed one of my first days back to work, but I was focused on being there for all of information Danny would be given. Knowing Dr H would be up in a few hours, I decided to leave. I needed to take more milk to my mom, see Rys, eat dinner, let the dogs out, feed them and the cats. All the while, NEEDING to be with Danny just so I knew he was okay. Rys wasn't feeling well, she was fussy, she had a fever, and I was about to lose it.
How do you choose who to be there for? Be home with the baby, this new baby who needs mommy so badly. OR be at the hospital with your husband, who is sick and in pain and won't admit that he needs his wife. And then there's me, needing my husband. My rock.
After some tears, I went with my need. I chose selfishly, I needed Danny. I knew Rys was in good hands, I didn't know how well Danny would be cared for. I needed to be there for him, for ME.
I went back to the hospital expecting to get there right before Dr H. However, Dr H came early, BEFORE his meeting, and talked to Danny. He told him that he had a plan for a series of CT scans with barium to see how well the blockage was opening back up (the theory was to starve the blockage, I suppose. Give his body nothing and the scar tissue would pull back and his colon would open back up). I settled in, expecting it to be for the night, when Dr H came back in. After the meeting.
This doctor rocks.
"So, I'm back. I checked my messages again, and I checked the CT again. And I see an area that was flagged now. What looks to be a lymph node, around the area of the duodenum, looks like maybe it's inflamed. It's probably just from being sick or from fighting off an infection, lymph nodes swell for all sorts of reasons. But I don't think this is cancer. IF it is, and I don't think it is, we WILL take care of it. I don't want you to worry. The blockage had nothing to do with this node, this is a completely different area. We just happened to catch it on the same scan. Tomorrow we'll deal more with the blockage. But I want you to follow up with Dr J and get his opinion on this spot. And then, regardless, we'll do a biopsy. Just to be safe."
It's my turn to throw up. A lymph node? What the heck is the duodenum? He doesn't think it's cancer though, it must not be. It must just be from some bug he's been fighting. This isn't cancer. This is nothing. This is nothing...

Another restless night. Staring out a hospital window at the stars... Wishing I could  be everywhere at once. And pumping away so I could stay ahead of Ryssa. Plus researching, because that's just what I do.

The next day was Tuesday. And it was also the 17th. Ryssa officially turned 2 months. I'd started a monthly tradition where I would get a cupcake for her on the 17th of each month and take a picture with her with it. I'd only done it once, obviously, but it was a tradition I was determined to keep. Regardless of what we had going on. We were hopeful that Danny would get out of the hospital that night or the next morning, and I'd come to the decision that I was going to stay home that night with Rys. She desperately needed her routine back, and I desperately needed some sense of normalcy. Although it wouldn't be normal if Danny had to stay in the hospital.
At lunch I got my food to go, and also got a cupcake. Well, two cupcakes. One for Rys and I, and one for Danny.. in hopes that he'd be able to eat some food and get out of the hospital.
Danny had his series of CT scans with barium, and the barium upset his stomach. Understandably since he hadn't eaten anything since Sunday early afternoon.
The day was long and stressful and I left to go get Rys from our wonderful friends Crystal and Angelo, they'd kept her for the day so my mom could go to work.
We went home and I figured I could take Rys up to see Danny for a few minutes before bedtime. I started to pack her back and Danny sent me a text telling me to come get him. The scans were back and they put them on a CD for his docs and he was okay to leave.

Walking into the hospital with a baby, especially such a little young thing, got lots of attention. I finally made it to Danny's room, got her out of her carrier, and handed her to her Daddy. She's a Daddy's girl so she needed it, just like he did. I had him just sit back and hold her while I packed up what few items we'd accumulated during our short stay.
Danny was upset that he hadn't seen Rys in two days and she'd grown so much in that little amount of time. Babies change so much in those early days, I could see a difference as well...
Seeing Rys in Danny's hands, him in his hospital gown and looking sick, just made me teary eyed. I knew it was a memory I'd need to never forget. So I snapped a picture.

A few minutes later a male nurse (that I'd never seen before) came in the room with Danny's CDs and paperwork. He came over to check out the baby just like everyone always does.
"Oh you two! We don't need no Maury Povich in here! There's no doubt who the father of that baby is!! Hey ___, come in here, check out this baby!" Other nurses started to file into our room, to check out the baby.
Yeah, the baby is cute... That baby needs her Daddy. This stinkin' node better not be cancer. It just better not be....

We eventually made it home, and I managed to get a cupcake picture with my baby. And we decided to try to be optimistic with all of our following appointments. We had to be. Who has time for cancer with a newborn in the house, I mean really.....

That ends my post for today, but I'll post again. There's so much more to our story thus far, and it's not even close to over. Not, even, close. But we've got this. And I want to give everyone all the details. Especially since so many people have helped us get as far as we've come. So, I'm leaving you all for now. I'll try to get more posts done this weekend to post next week. But I'll post Ryssa's Cupcake Month 1 pic just for your enjoyment! We'd gone to the farmer's market and to a craft show that day!

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Two months?!

Can this sweet baby REALLY be two months old?? Well... She is. I cannot believe how fast time is flying, seriously!!!

She holds her head up like a CHAMP. She's got a big ol' double chin. She loves to smile (especially for her Daddy), she laughs (especially for her Daddy) and she coos and talks like she's a gossip queen (especially for.. you guessed it). She's growing just like she should. And I'm back to work now. Which means part of my day is spent attached to a pump like a milk cow. So far I've been able to stay caught up with her, but we'll see how long that lasts! Hopefully for the entire time she nurses!! Fingers crossed!!

Sorry for the lack of updates... Life with an infant is amazing. Being back to work isn't terrible. But blogging in the evenings won't be happening again until she's on a good schedule and allowing me to have a few minutes to myself. And that'll only happen when I can stop staring at her while she sleeps... I'M AWFUL! ;)

I don't have time for much more of an update now... But I have to update you all on Danny. We've had a bit of a set-back/scare. I really don't want to go into too much detail yet, because frankly the facts scare me. But there is a suspicious lymph node that needs attention. So, it's about to get some attention! Dr J now has the scans he needs to review, Danny had lab work done, and we see Dr J Friday to discuss everything.
If he thinks everything is fine? Well we'll do a biopsy with Dr H and be sure. And also do a colonoscopy (because it's time for that anyway). If all THAT is good, then Danny will have ONE MORE appointment with Dr J, ever... That is all my hope, and I am sort of refusing to think of any other options!!!

We have some wonderful ladies coming into town this week to meet Miss Rys. We are going to have a little birthday celebration for me Friday night and I'm just really hopeful that we'll have good news to celebrate that day, too....

We've also got the Birthday Bash put on by OU Reproductive Medicine coming up. Ryssa will get to meet some of the people who helped bring her into this world and I couldn't be more excited!! I dearly miss my favorite nurse and can't wait for her to meet Rys! :)

So there was my quick update/post... Any positive thoughts, prayers, fire dances, good juju, whatever it is that you do, would be SO VERY MUCH appreciated! <3

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Welcome Sweet Baby Girl!!!


Sorry for the lack of updates. Especially if you're not on our facebook and therefore haven't seen the news. But... SHE IS HERE!!! Three days after my last post, she made her debut into this world!! Which is why I haven't been able to update. How anyone has time to do anything with a new baby in the home is beyond me. I don't want to put her down! But... I did. Just so I could type this up. I'm hoping I can get it done before her next feeding, but there's not much time between them these days so I've got to type fast!!

Want to hear the birth story? Not all the nitty gritty. Basically just the lead up to and a few small details about the birth itself?? If not, I'd stop reading if I were you. Because here goes!

Some of you know how absolutely petrified I was about going to the hospital thinking I was in labor just to get sent home. Why was I so afraid? Well because I just thought that would stink, for one. And also because my mom threatened me about it, haha. I was so scared, as a matter of fact, that I had a nightmare about it... Want to hear about it? It was Monday night, the 15th. And I was having the usual nightly contractions that didn't go away in the warm bathtub, but I knew they weren't close enough together to go to the hospital. But it was still in the back of my mind. I went to bed. And woke up in a cold sweat. I had a dream that we decided to go to the hospital to get checked out because of those contractions... Hung out for a bit... And were sent home. We were disappointed about it, but my nurse was super sweet. She sent Danny to get the car and she walked me outside... Only as soon as we walked outside we were in the middle of nowhere and then all of a sudden a guy was chasing me and the nurse with a chainsaw!! I couldn't figure out how to protect my belly and run and the guy caught me and chopped off my hair (what the heck??) and then started going for my legs, I'd already fallen and was trying to curl around my belly, and then.... I woke up. SO SUPER FREAKY.
The next day, Tuesday, I was telling my friend Jamie about the bizarre dream. And we decided it really showed how scared I was of being sent home from the hospital because it wasn't time. I then looked up the dream meaning in a dream dictionary and it said "To see a chainsaw in your dream indicates that something drastic is about to happen." Ohhh really?? Well, that was exciting at least...

For days my dogs had been acting weird. Pixie would sit and STARE at us. Not blinking at all. Just staring. Staring staring staring. Zeus wouldn't leave my side. Zeus generally doesn't care much about being by me. He loves attention from anyone and is excited almost all of the time and doesn't sit still. But the days before, he wouldn't leave me. Always in my feet or with his head touching me. I tried to google if other people's dogs were acting weird before labor kicked in, and as usual with google, I found people who said their animals did and others that said their animals acted no different. So. No big light bulb there.

Tuesday at work I was pretty miserable. My tailbone hurt. My contractions were there but not bad enough to warrant leaving work or going to the hospital. My mom came out of her office and REQUESTED THAT I NOT GO INTO LABOR THAT NIGHT because she needed some rest. I laughed at her, but really didn't think I'd be going into "real" labor any time soon. I just wanted it to be baby doc appointment day so I could see if I had made any progress at all.

That evening I wanted comfort food. Panera, mac n cheese. And I wanted ice cream, from Braums. I just wanted yummy fave foods after feeling so awful all day. So that's what we did. When we got home my contractions kicked up again, right on time. And I got in the tub. The tub didn't make them go away. Quite opposite in fact. I decided to get out and lay in bed, on my side. I knew something was off as soon as I laid down. Things just didn't feel normal, they didn't feel right. I was feeling more pressure than ever... and I was scared. Danny was in the living room playing his game and I just felt like I needed him in our room with me. I couldn't be alone. I NEEDED him in there. So I asked him to please finish up his game and get in there. He turned his game off and came in there with me and asked what was wrong. I told him and he asked if we needed to go to the hospital, which of course I refused because I was terrified.
And then the contractions got bad. I was playing a game on my phone and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't play the game. I couldn't think. I could do nothing other than try to deal with the pain and pressure. Danny made the call, we were headed to the hospital. I grabbed my bag, which didn't have the last minute items in it that I had planned on throwing in on the way out the door. Oh well. I grabbed the camera. And we were off. I sent a quick text to some people telling them we were heading in and that I would let them know if they were keeping me.

Danny drove us to the birthing center. We parked. My paperwork all said to leave everything in the car, so we put everything in the trunk except my hospital gown, which I clutched like a lifeline.  We walked in and got checked in, and a nurse came and got us. We went to room 14, She handed me a gown to change into.
"Ummm, actually, I brought my own if that's okay?"
"You brought your own hospital gown?"
"Well... Okay I guess." Geez, rude much?
She left to get me some water and let me change. Danny helped me, as I was in the middle of a contraction. And then I sat up on the bed. The nurse came back and hooked me up to some monitors, and explained to Danny what they did. I tried to listen. I didn't catch much. They watched my contractions. Every 5-10 minutes. The nurse took some more info and then left us alone. I tried to lay there and relax, but it was hard. My friend Janice told me to relax through the contractions by not clenching up my hands and arms and such. So I tried desperately to not clench. I still clenched. At the 30 minute mark the nurse came back in and asked if I wanted to walk around. I did, but I didn't want to walk the halls. I just wanted to walk around the room. So that's what I did... And the contractions almost stopped. Sitting up and/or walking just basically cut them off. I had a few more, and they were ROUGH ones, and I tried shaking my arms so I wouldn't clench. I tried leaning on the bed to get relief. Nothing worked. The nurse came back at the 1 hour mark to check me.
"No change..." Yeah, because I was walking and that slowed everything down. I was doing better when I was laying down relaxing...
"Okay... So. Now what?"
"Well I will call your doctor to see if she wants us to keep you or see if you can go home." If I can go home? I don't want to go home. I CAN SEE MY CONTRACTIONS. THEY ARE REAL. KEEP ME HERE.
She left the room and I looked over at Danny... I knew this was it, I knew they were going to send me home. Exactly what I wanted to avoid...

And in walked the nurse...
"Okay I talked to Dr ___."
"Dr who??"
"Dr ___, he's the on call dr, your doc isn't on call tonight." That doctor isn't even at College Hill. Who is that doctor? I DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT PERSON.
"And he said you can go home. He said to give you an Ambien so you can sleep." No. Absolutely not. Does he want me to sleep through my entire labor and give birth at home??
"Do I have to? I can't handle meds well. And I am sure that's too strong."
"Well, it's that or Benedryl. It's just so you can get some rest. The rest will probably stop your contractions..." No it won't, resting is what makes them worse... "OR, it will relax your body and allow the contractions to do the work they are supposed to be doing." That makes slightly more sense...
"Okay. Well, just the benedryl then."

The nurse went to get my benedryl and I looked at Danny, who looked downright irate.
"So what are we supposed to wait for then? Your contractions are close enough for you to be here. What are we supposed to do at home?" Good questions...
"I don't know love..."
The nurse came back with my benedryl, and Danny asked her these questions.
"Well, you guys can come back when the contractions are 3-7 minutes apart. Right now they are 4-9." Seriously? They need to be ONE MINUTE CLOSER TOGETHER for me to come back? What is the POINT of going home??
"Or if she starts bleeding. Not spotting, spotting is normal since I checked her..." I've never spotted from being checked before, why would I now?
"So we will probably be back tonight, then?"
"Well this benedryl will either stop the contractions completely and you won't be back for days or weeks, or it'll kick it all into high gear and I'll see you in two hours..."


We went home. I called my mom and told her we got sent home. I told her what the doctor gave me, and who the doctor was. Which ticked her off because he was the doctor that delivered two of my nephews and she didn't like him. Heck, after giving me a benedryl and sending me home, I DIDN'T LIKE HIM EITHER.
We went home and I just wanted to sleep. Sleep? Right... Benedryl generally knocks me the heck out. But not that night. As soon as I got into bed, BAM, hard core intense contractions. So so bad. Oh gosh they hurt.
Danny fell asleep next to me so I tried to be quiet and deal with them, since obviously they weren't "real" or whatever. Contraction, sleep, contraction, sleep, contraction, no sleep, contraction, try to catch a breath, contraction....
"Danny, I can't do this..."
"Babe, it's a little late for that. You kinda have to." I need meds. I need more than a benedryl. I NEED RELIEF.
Contraction... breathe... contraction... breathe... contraction, can't catch my breath...
"That's it..." Oh, he's still awake?
"Those aren't even 3 minutes apart. We are going back." Oh my gosh I felt like they were close but I thought that was just me...
I got out of bed and changed clothes, Danny put his contacts back in... And while I was standing up, guess what? No contractions. We got into the car, I called my mom, who didn't answer...
"My mom isn't answering... Ugh..." CONTRACTION... Nausea. Oh good gracious don't throw up in the car don't throw up in the car don't throw up in the car... Whew. Done. Relief.
I tried calling my mom again, and this time she woke up and answered. We talked, through a couple contractions, and she said this was the real thing, especially with the nausea. She was ready to head to the hospital right then. I told her to wait.
The rest of the way to the hospital wasn't bad. The contractions almost stopped completely. Danny noticed.
"Why do they stop when we're in the car? Or when you're standing up? They were so close when we were laying down... They're going to send us home again...."
I couldn't think, so I couldn't answer...

We made it back to the birthing center... And a few steps from the car, I lost it. And by "it," I mean my dinner, or dessert, or the water I was drinking all night. I don't know. I just know I threw up the whole way to the front door. Danny offered to get me a wheel chair and I refused, I could walk... It would just take a while and I needed breaks.
We finally made it inside and the same receptionist seemed happy to see us back.
"Back again? Are we ready this time?"
"Yeah... and uhh... I need something to throw up in..."
A look of panic went over the lady's face... but instead of getting me a bucket or a trash can or anything, she got my paperwork. Danny sat me down on a couch and went to look for something for me to puke into, while I tried to breathe AND NOT PUKE. He had to stop and sign my papers for me. And by then the nurse was there to get us. She got a wheel chair, and loaded me up. While I again tried not to puke....

This time we went to room 20. Danny had to help me into my hospital gown and pack away my clothes. I couldn't function. I couldn't do anything. All I could do was try to breathe through the contractions, that took everything from me.
The nurse hooked me up to the monitors and she and Danny gawked at how much more intense the contractions were. She checked me, and I was at a 4.
"Congratulations, today is the day. You are at a 4 and are in active labor. You can have your epidural any time now if you want it."
"Now. I want it now. Please."
She called the lady for my epi while another nurse came in.
"Hey Destiny, I'm ___. I looked through your chart. This is an IVF baby?" It says that in my chart? What chart? The chart that would have just gotten started a few hours ago when we were here? Where does it SAY this stuff at??
"Yeah, yeah she's an IVF baby..."
"I know how that goes... Wanting a baby so bad and having to have help. My baby was an IUI baby. Not quite as invasive... but still hard work." Oh. Wow. I love this lady already.
"Aww, congratulations on your baby. Did you do your treatments here?"
We talked a bit, between contractions when I could function, about who her dr was here. She had a dr that a good friend of mine is seeing now, which made me feel good. I really bonded with her. I knew her shift would change in less than 2 hours but I wanted her to stay there with me the whole time. She rocked my socks.

The lady with the magical medicine came and talked to me about the epidural, the risks, etc. I was set up to get my IV and she was going next door to check on another patient, and I'd get my epi when she got back... She was back within minutes because the patient next door had already delivered. She'd only been there an hour before me!!! So this lady stuck around until my IV was in and I was ready for the epi.
"I do have one question. Just one."
"Okay, what's that?"
"Will this thing RUN OUT?!"
"Ohh no. If it gets close, we just add more. Don't you worry about that."
"Okay, good. That was my only fear."
And then it was time. I had to sit on the edge of the bed and hang my arms down. Danny sat in front of me and I rested my feet on his legs... And then I had to puke.
"I'm gonna throw up..."
"NOT ON ME" and WHOOSH Danny shot back. My favorite nurse turned away, too... But to get me something to throw up in. I can't even remember if I threw up or just dry heaved. But eventually I was ready for the epidural.
Don't move Destiny, don't move. You watched video of this, you know what to expect. Don't move. Don't move.
I was shaking from the contractions, literally shivering. And BAM I felt a pinch/burn/SOMETHING and I had no control over my body because it was in the middle of a contraction and I was shivering and I jerked. Everyone freaked out, I freaked out. Danny put me in a vise hold basically, and my nurse grabbed a hold of me. She told me to squeeze her arm. So I did. I have sharp nails so I KNOW I was hurting her. So instead of focusing on anything else, I could only focus on what I was doing to her poor arm. But I couldn't let go either.
"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry I'm hurting your arm I'm so so sorry I'm so sorry."
"Shhh it's okay, don't worry about it. It's fine."  No it's not, why can't I let go?? Gosh!
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
Done. We're done. There's no more burning. It's over. But I still feel the contractions. How long does this take to work? I NEED RELIEF MY GOSH.
"We're just going to tape everything down now."
"How long until this kicks in?"
"It will be in effect in about 20 minutes." Whew, 20 minutes. I need to hang on for 20 minutes.

Not even 5 minutes later I was checked again.
I couldn't have done much in the 30 minutes or so it had been since being checked before, right? Especially since I could still feel everything going on... Maybe I'll be at a 5 or 6 now. Wouldn't that be crazy...
"Okay, you are at an 8, 100% effaced."
Yeah, nobody in that room believed what they heard from the nurse who checked me.
"Yeah, an 8. It's going quick."
OH. MY. GOSH. I have got to tell everyone so they don't miss this!!!!
I sent a text, and got some pretty funny responses. Danny's sister couldn't believe I was still texting (I wasn't for much longer after that), everyone else was afraid they wouldn't make it. Our amazing friend and photographer was hauling rear to get there so she wouldn't miss anything...

It was only a few minutes later when people starting filing in. Family, friends. Everyone. Surrounded by love and comfort... My epi had kicked in and I had some relief, although I could still feel immense pressure with each contraction, it wasn't pain. Just hard to breathe through. And I was beyond exhausted since I had only gotten about 10 minutes of sleep between contractions at home.
A lady came in to ask me some questions and she talked very quietly. Too quietly. And it was far too loud in my room. I couldn't hear her, and I couldn't hear myself think about any answers I needed to be telling her. So I sort of snapped about it being too loud. Instant quiet...
We finished our q and a session, and I asked her if MY doctor would be doing my delivery since it was now business hours so she wouldn't have to be the on call doc. She said yes, and she left. A bit later a nurse (my fave nurse was long gone) asked that everyone leave the room so I could nap. Oh sweet sweet relief to my ears, A NAP. I would need energy and I wouldn't have it if I couldn't get some sleep. So out everyone went. I had someone in there with me at all times, but people took turns and those that were in there were quiet. At one point my mom was in there and was asking how I was doing.
"Mom I can't do this. I can't do this with all those people in here."
"What?! Destiny, you've got to decide that quick. So they know and you aren't saying so as you are about to push."
"I just, I couldn't even hear that one lady. And I couldn't think. And there was just too much going on. I have to be able to concentrate, I have to be able to THINK. I have to have energy. And I can't do that when the whole room is that loud."
"I know. But when it comes time for that, believe me, nobody is going to be chatting away. Everyone will also be focused on the same thing you're focused on."
"I don't know. They can be in there for now. But if it gets loud, I'll tell them to get out."
"That's fine Des."
I asked my nurse if I could turn to my left side. That was most comfortable.
"Sure. It's best to keep you flipping back and forth anyway. It keeps the progress going."
So she and my mom helped me flip...
What on earth... What's wrong? Did a wire come loose?
"Destiny I need you to flip back over, FAST." Oh my God. That's Ryssa. Something is wrong. Something is wrong with her. I CAN'T GET FLIPPED OVER.
"I need help."
"Come on, we've got to get you over fast..." Fast fast fast, I need to do this fast, dang it, Rys PLEASE BE OKAY.
Finally I got back to my right side. I was uncomfortable, but the beeping stopped. I couldn't see the monitor, but the nurse said she was fine now. Her heart rate had plummeted.
"Does that mean the cord is wrapped around her neck?"
"Ummm, not necessarily. But if it is, that's totally normal. They handle that daily. Really, it happens more often than not. Now here's the oxygen. Keep this on." Oh dear lord, please let this be a safe delivery. Please let Rys be okay and STAY okay.
Flash flash flash. The lights were flickering over on the wall opposite my bed. Nobody was near the switch, and none of the other lights flickered at all...
"What the heck?"
"Mom, what was that?"
"I don't know..."
"I bet it was uncle Ray... Doing something silly when I'm just about to lose my mind. Letting me know it'll be okay..."
"That wouldn't surprise me at all. You know if he was still alive, he'd be up here too."

I slept on and off for a long time. They ended up having to break my water and I went from an 8 to a 7 1/2. The doctor that broke my water looked younger than me. He probably was younger than me. I vaguely remember getting checked again and I was at a 9. And then before long people had started filtering back in. It was getting loud again. They wanted to check me again so the room cleared out. I was at a 10!!! My nurse called my dr, who was doing a C-section. Official orders were to let me "labor down" and start pushing at 11:15.
It's almost time!! I AM ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY!!!!

That's when things got a little crazy. People starting filing in, other nurses and people and this "push team" I think is what the lady said. And I didn't know where Danny was. He wasn't in there. I would be pushing in 10 minutes, did he know they said I'd start pushing at 11:15??
My dad was by my head at the time before he had to leave the room, but I wanted my HUSBAND.
"Where the ___ is my husband?!"
"He's coming..."
"Does he know I am going to be pushing in a few minutes?!"
"Yes, he will be right here."
And then the nausea hit. Along with the tears. Before I knew it, Danny was there, in my face. Telling me to get control. Telling me to breathe. Instant relief. Everything would be okay, Danny was there....

Beep beep beep...
"What's that?"
"That machine right there..." MY EPIDURAL MACHINE?!?!
"Yeah, you're out..."
"It's okay, it stays in you for 2 hours so you don't need any more, you won't feel this." Unless I push for more than two hours which is entirely possible!!

Practice pushing came next, just after 11:20. The push team told me what to do, and at my next contraction it was time to put it into action. Contraction, breathe, push once for 8 seconds, take a breath, push for 8 seconds, take a breath, push for 8 seconds. That third and final push? Cue vomit. My mom was shoving a bucket at my face but it was jamming into my neck so I couldn't breathe and I couldn't throw up. I'm pretty sure that bucket almost decapitated me. And I said so. She switched out the big bucket for a different one (no help from the nurses on this front, my mom had to do all that by herself. Nice).
"I suck at this..." I can't even push without throwing up. Seriously. I suck.
And then I felt the urge to push again.
"I feel like I need to push. I need to push."
"Okay, go ahead sweetie." Go ahead? You nurses aren't even over here!
The panic must have showed on my face, Kristy and Jessica shot forward and grabbed my legs (where the nurses had been before but had disappeared from). I had told them they could be in the room if they stayed back and didn't get a good view. Boy did that change when it came time to push and no nurse was near to help me.
I pushed. And I threw up. And I couldn't breathe.
If I can't breathe... That means I'm not getting oxygen. If I'm not getting oxygen... Rys isn't getting oxygen. Oh my gosh I'm just making this all worse!! She already had an issue getting oxygen and now I suck and can't stop throwing up and it's going to make her lose oxygen!! WHAT AM I DOING?!
"Is she okay?! IS SHE OKAY??"
"Yes, hun, she's fine. She's fine. We can see it on the monitor, she's fine."
I. Suck. At. This. Get control Destiny damn it...
"She's got hair!" SHE'S GOT HAIR?! No way!! I didn't really believe it on the sonograms!! No way!!
"REALLY?! Are you sure?? She's really got hair?!" And I cried...
They offered me a mirror. I cussed before loudly saying no, which got a good laugh out of everyone in the room. They asked Danny if he wanted to see. I clutched his hand even tighter and MORE LOUDLY said no. Not cool. I didn't want him to see that!
My doctor showed up and got dressed. She wanted me to push 4 times instead of 3.
Four times?? I threw up during the third push before... How am I going to do four?!
But I did... I did 4 pushes.
"GREAT, one more time." One more time? I've only done like 3 rounds of pushes so far... One more time?? Is she lying to keep me motivated?
My contraction came and Danny was counting for me and I pushed with every ounce of my being. One more time, she said? Well one more time it was going to be.
"Okay DON'T PUSH DON'T PUSH." Don't push? What is she doing down there? What's going on? And then THERE SHE WAS. There was my baby girl... Who wasn't crying...
"Is she okay? Why isn't she crying? Is she okay??"
"She's fine, she's fine. Give her a second... Is Daddy cutting the cord?"
Wait, where is Daddy? He's not by my head anymore... Oh, down there by Ryssa. Cutting the cord. What an amazing sight...
And THEN SHE CRIED. And cried and cried.
"11:50 am."

They put her right on me, rubbed her clean while she laid on my chest. No longer crying, but staring at me with beautiful, curious-looking eyes. I bawled and bawled.
This is my baby. This is the baby we worked so hard for. This is our baby. THIS IS MY BABY. Oh thank you God for this amazing little angel!!
Then it was time for skin to skin so they moved the towel they had placed her on, and continued doing whatever it was they do. Danny was by my head again, getting a good look at our amazing daughter.
Dr Cox finished up and came up to the head of the bed. She stuck her hand on Ryssa's back.
"You did great! Now I'm guessing... 6 pounds 2 ounces!" And then she was gone.

An hour of skin to skin. An hour of bonding with my baby with nobody else getting to take her away from me. An hour of her staring at me or being comforted by me. Absolutely amazing.

Eventually it was time for her weight and measurements. I closed my gown back up and twisted around so I could see.....
"6 pounds, 1.8 ounces, which the computer will automatically round to 6 pounds 2 ounces." HOLY CRAP Dr Cox was right!!! How did she do that?!
After the nurse was done getting Rys all taken care of, she handed her to Daddy. Cue more tears.

It was such an amazing day. I know I'm forgetting things... I will probably come back and edit this as I remember more little bits, so I have it for ever and ever.
Thank you all, for all of your support over the last year and a half. And for those of you who have been with us from day one. All of you. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. This baby girl is more loved than she knows. But we will be sure to tell her...

I found out later the next day that the lights flickering and me mentioning my Uncle Ray was actually quite bizarre. My mom called my Aunt Melba Thursday to tell her about the baby and she told her about the lights and me saying I thought it was him. Melba had been having a rough morning Wednesday, really missing Ray. She cried and prayed and wanted a sign from him. He didn't give her one, but he gave me one. She was so happy to hear about the lights and my reaction. I know Ray was there with me that day. Welcoming this sweet baby into the world too. I hope he had a hand in keeping her safe...

Oh... and my favorite nurse? She worked that night. She wasn't my nurse, but she came by to check on me. She held Ryssa. And told me how good of a job I did. She also helped reassure me about some pain I was in, and that I didn't HAVE to take the strong meds they were mentioning for me (they make me sick). I wish she could have been our nurse the whole time, or even for ONE more shift. But oh well. She didn't even have to come visit, and she did. And her wanting to hold Rys melted my heart :)

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Less than two weeks left!!

Oh blogger... How I've missed you! Seriously! I miss the days when I could just sit and blog for hours. Now I'm lucky if I am functioning for hours by the time I get home from work. Mostly, I'm not. Mostly, I'm super tired. Or in a lot of pain. But today I am feeling okay. Today I get to blog!

I have some cancer stories to share. One written by my dear friend Mandi, about her dad. He passed away recently, and writing for the blog helped her come to terms with healing. I need to post the story, but I haven't been able to get through the whole thing because I'm naturally emotional and these hormones make it worse and I just turn into a mess every time I read it... I PROMISE it'll be posted soon.
I also have a follow up to a guest post from a few months ago that I need to post. I will hopefully get around to it this week.

I don't have any cancer updates regarding Danny. He has his next appointment scheduled for September. Right before my birthday. It'll be a stressful time for us, I'm sure. But I think things will continue to be great with his health :)

So... Pregnancy update! If you follow along on Facebook, you're already getting pretty constant updates. It's probably annoying you. Sorry if it is!
Last time I posted we had just under 7 weeks left until my due date... It's been so long since I've been on here that THERE IS LESS THAN TWO WEEKS until my due date now!! WHAT?! Where has the time gone? I mean, really.... I feel like we just went through IVF last month!

Miss Rys isn't here yet... Despite a few scares (and yes, they were scares, because it was too early!), she's still snuggled in tight. Okay. That's not entirely true. But she's still in there, that's what I'm trying to say!!

At my last dr appointment, my doc checked me and told me how things are progressing. And, well, progressing we are. Two weeks before I was dilated to 1 and my cervix was getting soft and mushy, the week before I was dilated to 1-2 and my cervix was "very mushy" and Rys was "RIGHT. THERE." This week? Well, this week I was dilated to a full 2, maybe a bit more. My effacement? Yeah, it's done. Can't get any thinner than that. "Paper thin" is what it is. 100%. Done. And Rys? She's so far down into the canal that it's causing all of my constant pain and pressure and there's essentially no way to help it except get her OUT. Doc said "The baby is ready. The baby is done. She's as far as possible. Now we're just waiting on your brain. Your brain needs to release oxytocin. Just a TINY bit. And once it does, you'll start dilating more. And once that starts? The rest is history." So, what are we waiting on? My brain. Unfortunately, my mom came with me to that appointment, so she heard all that, too. So now I am getting pressure to get my mind in this. No more denial for me. No more fighting off the contractions. No more trying to convince her to stay in. She's ready, she's more than ready. The only thing stopping her is my brain which hasn't triggered the release of oxytocin yet. My brain is generally not a problem. My brain is usually really dependable. I don't blame my brain.... Unfortunately everyone else does ;) When the doc had answered some of my mom's questions and asked if I had any, she went to leave. She then came BACK in and told me to make sure I have my bag packed.
My bag was finished up that night.

This weekend Danny and I went and got the curtains for her room's windows. And a piece of wood for under her mattress for the movement monitor. And a cute little box for all the little things that could easily get lost, to put in her stand-alone closet. When we got home, I went through all of her socks and bows and headbands and got them all organized... I came out of the nursery and Danny was rearranging the living room!! He had already started nesting earlier in the week but he kicked it into high gear yesterday. Moving furniture, sweeping. I couldn't sit there and watch, so I started to help by picking some stuff up. Organizing my books. Then after resting for a bit, I went back into the nursery and set up the movement monitor and positioned the video portion so I could see her... Well, so I could see the blanket that I was pretending was her for video-positioning-purposes. I then put all the clips on the curtain that will go around her stand alone closet. Today I ordered another corner piece for the wire curtain for it, per Danny's request. So it'll be a few days before that curtain is up. Maybe her window curtains will be up today though. We shall see.
When I'm done posting  I will play out my lives on Papa Pear on Facebook... And then I think I'll clean the kitchen. I want to get Ryssa's swing/bouncer put together. But I think we'll wait until she's here for that. It'll stay in the living room and I don't want the cats to think it's theirs before she gets here and stakes her claim on it!

That's about it... I'll do the update quiz thing now. And just know, all the answers are good for the last few weeks! :)

How Far Along:  38 weeks... WHOA! Full term!!

Total Weight Gain: Plus THREE.

Maternity Clothes: I've got some clothes from my sister in law, a super soft maternity/nursing dress, and my cozy clothes :)

Stretch Marks: Still none, allow me to knock on some wood ;) 

Sleep: Ohhh I love sleep. Sleeping on one side too long has gotten uncomfortable again though, that whole side gets super sore. And unfortunately my left side is really the only side I'm comfy on. So. It's a pain in the rear... Or more accurately in the hip.   

Best Moment This Week: Getting so much in her room done! And the amazing pedi I treated myself to.  

Miss Anything: Umm... I'm good, thanks!   

Movement: She's been really VERY quiet the last couple days.    

Food Cravings: Everything. All of my favorite things. Anything that doesn't give me awful indigestion (like Taco Grande).  

Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: I get nauseous randomly. And when my contractions are especially painful  

Gender: A wonderfully amazing baby GIRL, Ryssa

Labor Signs: Lots of contractions, but most are random. I had some good strong ones the other night for an hour, every 5-10 minutes. Danny asked if he needed to start the car, but I decided to take a warm bath.... And that put a stop to the contractions. So. Whatever.

Symptoms: A growing baby bump ;)

Belly Button In or Out:  It still hasn't popped ALL the way out :)

Wedding Rings On or Off: On and still loose unless I am hot and swollen 

Happy or Moody Most of the Time: Happy unless you tick me off. Then I stay mad at you for... ever. >>same

Looking Forward To: Meeting baby Rys!!!

Sunday, June 9, 2013

7 weeks to go?! WHAT?!??!!

I came to update today... And I was like "hmmm, how many weeks am I again?" Yeah, because prego brain is still seriously happening... And because I'm kinda sorta totally in denial. WE ONLY HAVE SEVEN WEEKS UNTIL MY DUE DATE!!! Seven weeks?! Seriously?! No.. Not possible...

But, yet... Here we are. I guess technically it's Sunday so, 6 1/2 weeks left. Pardon me while I go throw up! Everyone keeps asking if I'm ready to be done being pregnant. If I'm just so ready for her to be here. Am I ready for her to be here? Well, yes. Of course I am. BUT I also am just still not of the mind that I will have to share her yet. Right now people can feel her from the outside but I'm the only that feels her constantly. The one that feels all the little jabs (and all the uncomfortable feelings). I'm the one that feels the weird sensations from the inside out. I love her and she loves me and I don't know why anyone else ever ever ever needs to touch her... Unless they want to change her diaper. I could hand over that duty... haha. But really, I KNOW that feeling will change. I KNOW that I will get to a point that I WANT help and need it and I will want to hand her over so I can take care of myself. But at this moment, I don't see that happening. I just don't. And it sort of kills me to think I have to share her. Even with Danny! She is his daughter too, and I KNOW he wants to help with everything with her... And all I can think is "they better hand her to me first... They better not try to hand her to anyone else but me... They better let me be the first to touch her. He cuts the cord, BUT I GET TO TOUCH HER." How selfish is that? Yeah. I'm a selfish person. I never thought I'd feel like this. But the thought of someone else getting to hold her first kills me. I know that if I have to have a C-section, that I will OBVIOUSLY WANT Danny to hold her first. I can't, and she needs a parent to hold her first. And I will love seeing him hold her. But. If I can hold her first? Well, I want to...
Am I just so done being pregnant? No.... No I'm not. It's been a rough one. Not as easy as so many people make it seem. I hurt, my back hurts, I have this new leg tingling thing, the nausea is back randomly, it's hard to breathe... And yet, I just don't feel that "get her OUT" feeling yet that so many people talk about. I love the  bond we have with her in me. I love putting my hand on my stomach and feeling her move to it to feel the warmth. Or kick it if my hand is cold. I love having her in my belly and knowing that, for right now, she's ALL MINE. Yeah, her Daddy is still her favorite... You can tell by the way she listens to him already. But, she's mine. Mine mine mine.

So many people complain about random people touching their bellies. I am fortunate and I haven't had to deal with that. EVERYONE that has touched my bump has asked first. And I don't have a problem with it. I know girls say "if you didn't put it here, don't touch it." Well, I suppose I could say that, too.... But.... A TON of people helped get her in here... A TON. So. My belly is open. I KNOW I'd feel different if some random stranger walked up to me and rubbed on my belly. But, that hasn't happened yet. So I'm a lucky one. Maybe I don't look inviting. I don't know. And I don't care. I like things the way they've gone and I hope they stay that way...

Everyone knows I've been a little miserable during these months. But, these last couple months have been blissful. I am more tired now than I was in first tri... But other than that, there are times I seriously forget I'm pregnant. I've been asked MULTIPLE times "So how far along are you?" or "When are you due?" And it takes me a second to realize these people are talking to me and that I AM PREGNANT and that I need to respond with the correct answer. One time I looked at the lady like she had lost her mind and said "I'm sorry, what?" And Danny touched my belly and said "She wants to know how many months  you have left babe." Oh. Oh YEAH. I'm pregnant!!! DUH!!! Can I blame that on pregnancy brain? Or is that an infertility thing? You go for so long thinking it will probably never happen and you give up home and now that it IS HAPPENING it just doesn't seem like real life?

But it is real life... Really real life. We did maternity pictures today. MATERNITY PICTURES. Yeah, you read that right. We still have some more to take, indoor ones that we will do next weekend. But we did maternity pics! Faith had a great time with them, and her favorite part was all the pics she took by herself (yeah, she even admitted it LOL).  I think I already know which pic is my favorite, so far... And it's a pic that doesn't show my face. HAHA!! I can't wait to see the finished product!! The pics were done by Crystal with Professor Photo. Sound familiar? Oh yeah... she did our fundraiser!! She ALSO is the one who put together our multiple garage sale fundraisers. AND she took over the cupcakes fundraiser when my regular cupcake-fundraiser-friend moved away. She has had a HUGE HAND in getting this baby in my belly. And she just keeps giving. Maternity pics now, and BIRTH STORY PICS when I'm giving birth!! :) She's so amazing!!

My last post mentioned how awful that day was with prego brain. Today my day has been awful because I AM SO COMPLETELY UNCOORDINATED RIGHT NOW. I'm not used to that. No, I'm generally not the most coordinated person on the planet... But this goes above and beyond the normal. We were getting around for pictures (and running just a couple minutes late) and I was helping Faith with her hair, in her room. She asked to see one of the charms in my charm necklace and I couldn't show her without opening up the locket. Instead of using my brain and thinking "I should take this off first..." I just plopped it into my palm and opened it... And OF COURSE a charm fell out. Which one? The July birthstone, meant for Ryssa. Cue instant tears that I had to control... I showed Faith the other side of the charm she'd asked about, and then she and I got on our hands and knees to look for the stone... No luck. I decided I would just have to buy a new one, and I got up and went to find a different shirt to wear (note, I never did find the tank top I had in my head... whatever. It's gone forever somewhere and I wore a different one lol). Danny saw my face and knew I was upset about something so I told him that I was an IDIOT and opened my locket while wearing it, thinking if anything fell out it would land in my hand... and it didn't. So, he stopped getting ready and went into Faith's room to look for it. And sure enough, my amazing husband found it. I do NOT know how. But he's always the finder of lost things. Always.
SO we got ready, running a bit late, and ran to my  parents' house. I needed to get a dress for Ryssa for pictures, and I needed to get my earrings that I'd let my niece borrow... We got there and I tried to put my earrings in... And I couldn't get them in. My dad offered to help but we were running late and I said no, that I would just try again in the car.... And I did. And I still couldn't get them in. So what do I do? I assume that my hole in my right ear is just too closed up for my bigger bulkier earring, and that I should just use Faith's earring since it's real gold anyway. So I ask to borrow her earring, which she promptly takes out... With me repeatedly telling her not to drop it or the back and to be careful... She didn't drop it. She handed it to me and I tried, unsuccessfully to get THAT earring in my ear. I finally gave up. We were parked so I asked Faith to get close so I could put her earring back in (she can take them out but can't put them back in)... And I try for a second and KER-PLUNK, I drop it. We searched and searched and couldn't find it. So Faith and I got out of the car and went to chat with Crystal and her hubby and kids while Danny looked for the lost earring... While standing around I tried AGAIN to get my earring in... Nope... So I just took my other earring out and gave up... And guess what? DANNY FOUND FAITH'S EARRING. Finder of all lost things I tell you!!
We did our pictures and then hung out for a while chatting, and then left the park. When we got home I got out my good earrings. And I tried AGAIN to get something through that stinkin' ear. No. Such. Luck. I had Danny help me.
"It's closed. I can see where the hole WAS. But, this won't go through. It's going to hurt. It's CLOSED." Just push it through dang it!!
"It's fine, it doesn't hurt... Just keep stabbing."
"Does this hurt?" Maybe a little....
"Nope, keep trying."
He asked if I had a piercing stud and I remembered that Faith did in her drawer of earrings. I asked Faith for her earrings and she brought them out, and the earrings I thought were the piercing studs really didn't look very sharp. BUT they were thinner since they were a children's earring. Danny tried to push it through. It wasn't working...
"Should I go get one of the needles from my fertility med box?"
"NO. No you should not..." Well, it would be sharper than these earrings are!! Geez!
"This is gonna hurt..." It already does, ouch.
"There, it's through. Keep this earring in for a while and let your ear calm down before you take this out and put your own in it..." Ouch ouch ouch. I'm not touching that ear.

That's my day TODAY and it's not even over... Yesterday was a bad day for Danny. He worked his tush off moving stuff around and setting up the internet in the living room instead of the computer room (which is now the nursery). And then he got to painting. He took a break and my cat snuck into the room and got into the paint... Yep, little tiny cat paw prints were ALL OVER the floor. He was mad... But the cat survived. I cleaned her painted paws up (while bleeding because she didn't WANT to be cleaned up), and all is well....
And THEN, while moving my dresser, he realized too late that my mirror wasn't attached... And BOOM goes the mirror. Broken into pieces. :( Which upset ME because I've had that set for ever... And ticked him off because he did it.
But you know what? HE FINISHED IT. Well, not finished up to his standards. But the paint is ON THE WALLS and I love love love love love it!!! He is going to go back through and do whatever it is he thinks needs done. But after working so long and hard on it yesterday/last night, he won't be doing anything else in there today. He deserves a break! :)

Everything is really coming together now. Other than blinds/curtains and a bookshelf, we've got everything we need!! Our crib came in (thanks to the gift cards from our family and friends). My friend Denna gave us the high chair. I ordered the crib mattress with another gift card. I ordered the stroller thanks to the money given to us at the shower. And last but not least, I put off ordering the swing/bouncer combo because I wanted it to go on sale... I started a Target registry because I found one there I liked and I had some gift cards for there to use. I knew I could start the registry and they'd give me a coupon code to use to get 10% off... So I was waiting for that... Then what did I get in the mail? Not the 10% off coupon... BUT A $20 GIFT CARD FROM TARGET for starting the registry. Thank you very much. I got online and signed up for the baby deals on their site and I got a 10% off code for an online order. So... Thanks to gift cards from family and Target, and the coupon code, I saved almost $100!!!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?! Sometimes (rarely) it pays off to procrastinate!

Time for the weekly update that I have been slacking on... Just know that week 32 was the same as this week, k? :)

How Far Along:  33 weeks

Total Weight Gain: Negative one... Doc says that's fine though because MY TESTING CAME BACK FINE and I "just have good genes." :)

Maternity Clothes: Still wearing what I've got and all the cozy clothes and I have some clothes from my sister in law :)

Stretch Marks: So far so good!

Sleep: I now know the term pregnancy insomnia. I get to sleep just fine, but I wake up and stay up and can't get back to sleep for hours... Stinks.  

Best Moment This Week:  Doing the maternity pics and Ryssa getting the hiccups while Faith and Danny had their hands on my belly. PERFECT timing!! haha  

Miss Anything: Umm... I'm good, thanks!   

Movement: I feel her a lot less often (doc says that's because she's sleeping more and more) but when I do, WHOA, she's stronger than ever!!   

Food Cravings: Ice cream, strawberry banana smoothie, chocolate covered strawberries, brownies, chocolate cake with chocolate icing... Do I need to keep going? Of all of those cravings, I've only caved on the ice cream. And that's because my doc TOLD me to eat ice cream to help with the weight and because it's got calcium!

Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: I get nauseous when I eat too fast/too much/too heavy... And then some other random times.  

Gender: A wonderfully amazing baby GIRL, Ryssa

Labor Signs: Nope, unless you count Braxton Hicks?

Symptoms: A growing baby bump ;)

Belly Button In or Out:  The top part, that was pierced, sticks out. But the rest is in. It's weird.  

Wedding Rings On or Off: On and still loose unless I am hot and swollen 

Happy or Moody Most of the Time: Happy unless you tick me off. Then I stay mad at you for... ever. >>same

Looking Forward To: Seeing the maternity pics, and finishing up the nursery!!