Thank you Dr Google

I know I say this all the time..... but my friends ROCK!!!! Seriously!!! I get new messages every day from different friends (and some strangers) and every single one of them touches my heart. One friend sent a message today that said our struggles in addition to HER new addition (<3 Baby E) have helped her realize that she wants to be a surrogate some day. She wants to help a family feel the joy they have felt as a family. THAT is amazing! Keep the messages coming everyone, I love to hear from you all!

Many people have asked me when the Scentsy fundraiser will be ending. Well, we've got some good news! It will be open and active as long as we want it to be!  I know multiple people have said they want to order but need to wait a couple of weeks, and I'm here to tell you all that that's PERFECTLY FINE :) We will keep the "party" open as long as there's still interest in it! Since it's an online party, the orders ship out from the factory asap, so the party doesn't have to close for people to get their orders. Tonya said that orders have been shipping out in 48 hours!

An update on the game night/poker night... My friend and I have discussed possibly separating the two events. I know how serious some poker games are, and I don't want the players to get annoyed with the other activities going on around them. Also, poker games take a long time! On top of that, we are back to square one on a location. We had been interested in a couple of REC centers, and there is a law that states that those REC centers can't be used for this sort of thing. You can't make money off of concessions, admission, etc, in a city REC center... So, if anyone has any ideas about a location for this event, PLEASE comment here or message us on Facebook :)

I mentioned on Facebook last night that I had found a website to order some bracelets from. They aren't going to be as cheap as I was originally thinking, but I think they have the potential to make a good profit for our fund. I sent an email to the company to see if there is any way to get them any cheaper, and once I hear back from them I plan on making an order. So far quite a few people have shown interest in helping sell the bracelets, so I'm pretty excited about this!!
I think that's all the updates I have for today...

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The following days went slowly. Danny was recovering well but couldn't work and he was going crazy sitting at home. Danny had multiple follow up appointments scheduled before the honeymoon.
At the first follow up appointment, Danny's staples were removed. I sat in the room with him and he laid back on this bed... Out came this little handheld THING that literally looked like a staple remover you use in your office! I watched one staple get pulled out, went pale, and had to look away.
Danny's drain had to stay in even longer. It was still pulling out too much infection to be removed. We started to worry about the cruise. Would he have the drain in when we went? How would it not get infected? The doctors told us not to worry, the drain would be removed before the cruise and he would be healed before we got on the plane for Florida... So, we continued planning the excursions and going over the budget.
I came home from work one day and Danny didn't look happy. We had to leave immediately to go somewhere (and now I can't even remember where we had to go), so we got in the car. And Danny quit being positive... He basically threw in the towel...
"Destiny... We need to talk..." Duh duh duhhhhhhh. That's never good... What now??
"Mmmm, okay. I knew something was wrong... So, what's up?"
"I know that you said before we ever got serious that you wanted kids. At the time I was content with just Faith and had never considered having anymore, but things obviously changed over the years and you know I want kids with YOU. I don't want just more kids, I want YOUR kids." I thought he was going to tell me something I didn't already know??
"Right. Yeah. I know babe. And we will."
"No, I don't think we will." WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?!?!
"What is THAT supposed to mean?!?!?!"
"I don't want you to leave me Destiny." WHAT THE HE%# IS HE TALKING ABOUT?!?!
"What?! I'm not going to leave you. What are you saying Danny?"
"You want kids and I don't think we can have any and I don't want you to leave me!"
"I guess I am an idiot, because I am NOT following what the heck you are trying to say. Start over!"
"I've been doing nothing but sitting at home every day and I knew something was wrong. So, I got online. And there's this complication that can happen with the type of surgery I had.. and it can cause infertility... and I am 99% sure I have it..." Ohmygosh, NOT THIS TOO. You've GOT to be kidding me. We don't just have one mountain to climb, we have a WHOLE GOSH DANG MOUNTAIN RANGE!! And he thinks I will LEAVE him because of THIS?! What kind of monster does he think I am?!
"Babe..." I didn't even know where to start. Where DO you start?
"Destiny, please...."
"NO. No! You've done your talking. It's MY turn... How could you think I would LEAVE you because of this?! What the crap Danny!"
"You want kids, you deserve kids of your own. I can't hold you back from that... And you always said before we even started dating that you wouldn't be with someone unless they wanted kids..."
"Yeah, and you DO want kids... So why would I leave you?! I love you, and I don't want KIDS, I'm in your boat. I want YOUR kids. I want to look down at OUR child and see your face and my face. I want to look at that perfect mix of the two of us and know that that is our love, brought to life! I don't want anyone ELSE'S kid. I want yours!"
"I know, and I don't think that will be possible." Thank you Dr Google, for seriously filling my husband's head with crap!!!!!!!
"So you think because something isn't quite right, that all of a sudden everything you seen on Google is right?? Every time I google my symptoms I basically find out I have cancer... And it's NEVER RIGHT. So why would it be right now?"
"I don't know. I just wanted you to know. And I think it IS right..."
"Well, it's not. Everything will be fine. We will talk to Dr Hyder about it, and he will say it'll be fine..."
"And what if it's not? Then what?" OK MISTER NEGATIVE....
"Then we will FIGURE SOMETHING OUT, okay? We will have a child together, we will!!"
"Two...." Stubborn man...
"We will have TWO kids together. Fine. But we WILL, okay?"
"I don't know how..."
"Just STOP, okay? We can't do this now. We have no reason to worry until the doctor GIVES US A REASON to worry. You're the one that always says that, so take a lesson from your own book Danny!" Ok, I was kind of raising my voice. I was worried, scared, upset and MAD. I was still stuck on the fact that he thought I was going to leave him!!! I wouldn't leave him because he had cancer, but I would leave him becaues he THOUGHT we couldn't have kids?? What the heck was going through his mind?! Ugh!!
I can't remember where we went that evening because my mind wasn't on anything except our conversation. My emotions were everywhere. Could we really not have kids? Danny would never get to teach a son how to play hockey? I wouldn't have a little momma's boy? I would never have a child that would draw me a picture on Mother's Day and tell me I was the best mom in the whole wide world? Yes, I'm a step mom, and a dang good one if I do say so myself, but I will NEVER be Faith's mom. I would never DREAM of even TRYING to take over that spot. A child has one mom and one dad and no matter how much love you give that child, those parents come first, as they should. Faith has an absolutely amazing mother, and obviously an amazing father, and that's that. Nobody will replace those two in her eyes, because they are her parents and they are GREAT parents. I want to be that person to a child. I want to be the person that they love above everyone else.
We went to sleep that night, and I couldn't shut my mind off. We had another doctors appointment coming up in the next couple of days and we would get to the bottom of this...
That appointment couldn't come fast enough! We moved on from that conversation but things were a little tense in the house. Danny was obviously still worried I would LEAVE him and I was worried our dreams were going up in smoke... Or already HAD.
Danny's drain numbers were good enough now that it could be removed and I told myself not to watch. The doctor came in, and decided to do that first. It wasn't Dy Hyder, it was another doctor at the same practice, but we'd seen him before and liked him. He and the nurse removed the drain (or maybe the nurse did it and the doctor just stood there, I have no idea, I was looking the other way!). They taped him up, and the nurse left the room. Time to ask the all important question...
"So, doctor. I've been doing some research online after we realized some things weren't quite right..."
And so he told him about this theory that he had. This theory that a complication caused infertility for us. This theory that derailed our plans for our future....
"Well, that's actually quite common...." QUITE COMMON?!?! How did we not know about this until AFTERWARD, after the problem was already HERE?!?!
The doctor explained some more, and said to give it all some time, Danny's body was still healing, etc. He gave us the go ahead to go on the cruise in a week, and called out some antibiotics for Danny to take so he didn't catch anything while so far away from his doctors.
We left the room so we could go check out and a couple of nurses and the scheduler asked us where the cruise was going, what we had planned, etc. I was zoned out. Danny told them everything and they were so excited for us. Excited for us? We could quite possibly never be able to have kids, and when we get back Danny had to start chemo, and they're EXCITED for us?!?!
We left and Danny seemed more positive than before.
"Well, it sounds like it may not be that... But we will have to see..."
"He said that this is QUITE COMMON. Why weren't we informed of this possibility?"
"Well, I don't know. Maybe it was in some of the paperwork?"
"No, no it was not. I went over the side effects and possible complications and that was NOT listed..."
"You went over the paperwork for the laparoscopic surgery, not for the surgery they ended up doing..."
"Mother %#@#$%$^!!!!!" Ok yeah, I dropped the F bomb. Whoops!
"Babe, what would we have done differently?" Good point...
"Well, maybe we could've banked some sperm or something..."
"We didn't exactly have a lot of time to do that..." We didn't have ANY time to do that. He's right.
"Well still, we should've been told!"
"I agree, but there's nothing we can do about it now. We've got to just keep going forward and then see what Dr Hyder says, and what the oncologist says..."
"The oncologist is going to tell you to bank sperm, and then you're going to have to tell him that you can't because of this stupid complication!"
"And them I'm sure he will come up with a solution." Oh, now all of a sudden he has a solution? What solution could there be?
We decided that day to not worry about. No more fretting, no more "what if's" or anything else. We would concentrate on being newlyweds. We would go on our honeymoon and we would enjoy the time away from reality. When we got back, it was time for plans and finding solutions. Now? Now it was time to pretend nothing was out of the norm. Now it was time to make sure we packed everything we needed, and that someone would mow our lawn while we were gone. Now it was time to just BE.

Tomorrow's post will be about our honeymoon! It will be nice to dig up those memories, such happy times! As always, thanks for reading! Please continue through our journey with us, and please follow and SHARE our story and blog!