What NOT to say

Infertility Awareness Week continues... And is what I am devoting my post to again today!

We have known for almost three years that we can't have kids without IVF. Three years is a long time. And throughout the three years I have heard some really awful things. Some of the people saying those things were just trying to help. Others, not so much. Some of my friends have asked me what not to say. And that's what this post it about today...

WHAT NOT TO SAY!!!
What not to say to your infertile friends. What not to say to infertile step parents. What not to say to ANYONE, period.
One note though, everyone is different. Some things that don't bother me REALLY REALLY bother others. So I am including those things here.
Also, if you've ever said any of the following to me, don't feel bad. It happens. I'm guilty of saying some of these things too, before I was on the "other side" or the issue.

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO ANYONE:
"So, when are you two going to have kids?"
This question seems so so innocent. But it hurts SO SO BAD.
First of all, it's frankly none of your stinkin' business. But, beyond that, you have no idea what they're going through. Maybe they've been trying and trying and aren't getting anywhere. Maybe they've been trying and have had a miscarriage. Maybe they've had multiple miscarriages. Maybe they have been going through different types of treatment for years. You don't know.

"You don't have kids? What, don't you want any??"
Just because someone doesn't have kids doesn't mean they don't want them. The process of diagnosing infertility can be long. And if the couple tries different kinds of fertility treatments (clomid, then IUI, then IVF for example) THAT process can take years and deplete all of their savings and then some. So even if they decide they want to adopt, it can take years longer just on the financial side of things. Not to mention how LONG it takes to get through an adoption process.

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO INFERTILE PEOPLE
"So, is it you or is it him?"
The correct answer to this question should always be US. A relationship isn't a "him and me" it's an "us." It's a team. It's nobody's FAULT if there's a fertility problem. And again, it's none of your beeswax where the exact problem lies. AND for many infertile couples, there is a problem on BOTH ends of the spectrum. Regardless, just because we in particular have male-factor infertility (due to Danny's cancer treatments), that doesn't mean "it's him." It's not. It's US. It shouldn't matter to you where the issue is. The point is WE can't have kids the old fashioned way. WE. Do not try to alienate one side of the relationship by asking this question.

"Want mine?"
You lucky duck, you had a kid. Now you're joking about just giving him or her up. DO NOT TEMPT ME. And really, that's not nice. What a tease you are. What would you do if that couple said "YES, let's start the paperwork!"

"Why don't you just adopt?"
There is no "just adopt." Adoption takes years, thousands upon thousands of dollars (more than IVF in most cases). Home inspections, family checks, I could go on and on. Not just ANYONE can adopt. Not to mention, it takes a very very special person to adopt a child not biologically related to them in any way. It's a huge, personal decision. And I don't think it should ONLY be infertile people that are pushed to adopt. Just because you have kids on your own doesn't mean you shouldn't look into adoption too. So, before asking that question, how about you consider adoption, too?

"Well I don't think MY insurance should have to go up because PEOPLE LIKE YOU can't have kids."
Really? Well, I guess if I never have IVF, then I'll never be pregnant. So, I don't think MY insurance should be so high just to cover YOUR maternity ob/gyn appointments. I don't think MY insurance should be so high because YOU need birth control. I don't need it. So why should my insurance be set at a price because birth control is covered? Do you not like that argument? You may never be diagnosed with cancer, but that doesn't mean that nobody you know will be. And that their insurance shouldn't cover that, just because not EVERYONE has it. Infertility isn't a rare thing. ONE in EIGHT couples of child bearing age have some form of infertility. THAT'S NOT RARE.

"Isn't your love for each other enough?"
This is a ridiculous argument. If a couple wants to have a child, they likely love each other very very much. If they are struggling through infertility, they shouldn't have to just "settle" for never making a family. I love my husband more than you can possibly imagine. I WANT kids with him. Some people WANT to travel. Some people WANT to focus on their careers. We WANT to have kids together. Period.

"If you can't afford IVF, how are you going to afford a child?"
This one ticks me off the most, honestly. I do not know ANYONE who got pregnant and as soon as the baby was born had to drop 15-20 THOUSAND DOLLARS. Diapers, wipes, daycare, formula if needed, yes they all add up. But that is not 20 grand right off the bat. Danny and I can quite easily support a child. We have amazing friends and family who I am sure would help us with any furniture we need, etc. Heck, I even have a wonderful friend who is willing to babysit for us for an outrageously low price! We can SUPPORT a child just fine. We CANNOT just pop 20k on the table and be good (especially after all the cancer bills we are paying off). And heck, that's just for one try. It may not even work. It could cost three times that much!

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO INFERTILE STEP PARENTS
"What? His child isn't enough for you?"
I will just say that I've got it good. I am married to a wonderful father of a fantastic 7 year old, and it gets even better... that 7 year old has a FABULOUS mother who I get along with extremely well. We parent as a team. But not all step parents get the chance to be so involved in their stepchild's life. I know some people who can rarely even get a HUG from their step child because that child's mother has basically said that would be choosing the stepmom over her. That's not fair to the child OR the step parent.
So, in short, don't assume that everything is fine and dandy in that relationship. Because you likely have no idea.
ALSO, even if their relationship IS great, like ours, that doesn't mean that the step parent can't want a child of their own.... Take me for example. I love Faith like she's my own. I made a vow to her during our wedding. I tell her all the time that she may not have come from my body but I sure do see a lot of myself in her anyway! BUT, I am not her mother. I could never dream of taking her mother's place, and I wouldn't WANT to, like I said, she has a wonderful mom already. Moms are the favorites. Period. Faith will draw five pictures. She will give me one. The rest go to her mom. Because moms are the favorite. Does this hurt me? NOPE. I know I'm just the step mom. I know they have a bond that doesn't compare to a bond that Faith will have with ANYONE ELSE EVER. Just like she'll never bond with anyone else the way she does with her dad. That's the way of life. BUT, I want to be someone's favorite. I want to have that bond with my child.

"Well, if you have kids of your own, your step child will probably not be treated as well."
This is sure to make the momma bear in me come out. No, I'm not biologically a mother, but my love for Faith is just as good. I will protect her from anything and everything. I REFUSE to treat her any differently than I would my biological kids. Heck, she really gets treated BETTER than my biological children would be. Why? Because we parent as a team, and that means there are two other views when it comes to parenting and discipline. My biological children will only get my view... Oh, and my hubby's too of course. ;)
Really though, I've seen how it hurts a child if they are the "step" and therefore don't get treated the same. That's not the case with US. My family doesn't think of Faith as a "step." She's just got a lot lighter hair than the rest of them. My nephews can't remember a time without her and get all confused when she's not with us and ask where she is and I reply with "she's at her mom's." That to me means I'm doing something right. That they don't even realize that she's not "technically" mine. And you can bet your paycheck that my biological kids would never get treated any better than their big sister!!


Now, in it's own section will be....
The WORST thing someone has EVER said to me about infertility.... (and I might add that this was said at the first baby shower I had attended, since finding out we were infertile)
This person (who KNEW our issue, she was one of the first people we told): "So when are you having kids?"
Me: "Well, as soon as we come up with $10k. Wanna donate?"
This person: "PFFFTT!! I wish someone would hand ME over ten thousand dollars to raise my kids!!!"
I walked away, shaking, and trying not to cry. We are not asking for $10k to help raise our kids and put them in designer outfits and blah blah blah. If it was as easy as going to bed with my husband and instantly getting pregnant, we certainly wouldn't need anyone's financial help. Saying something like that is a quick way to lose all respect though.


And... now on to a few things you shouldn't say.... Unless you KNOW your friend really well and you know they won't get ticked or annoyed....
"Maybe you aren't doing it right."
I think this is probably not up for debate for most people. Say it to me all you want, it'll make me giggle. But don't expect for me to tell you how we do it ;) And remember, some people may get really offended by that.

"Well I know this one couple who couldn't have kids... And they ended up pregnant!"
Great for them. Really, that is amazing. I don't mind hearing these stories. Actually, I LOVE hearing these stories. Those couple deserve little miracles. Others aren't so happy to hear stories of others like that. Not because they aren't happy for them. But because that's almost implying that it'll happen to them too. And they may know that there's absolutely positively ZERO chance of that happening, when it comes down to the medical side of things.

"If you stopped trying so hard, it'll happen for you."
That's not technically true. Yes, stressing about things doesn't help. BUT for many people, there really is A PROBLEM there. A problem that must be addressed in order for the female to ovulate or in order to even get any sperm (Danny's had to be surgically removed!!!) or so on. Do not imply that the stress of the infertility is the problem. That's basically blaming them. 


That's about all I've got for now. Just remember, you know your friends well. You should be able to send some feelers out and see how they'll respond. Some couples do not want to talk about the infertility issues. Others are open. Some people are okay with talking about it if you ask questions, but won't bring it up themselves. YOU know your friends, and YOU know the type of relationship you have with them. Just tread carefully and be supportive!!!