This post is going to be a quick one.... But it's a little different. If you're a crier, well, grab your tissues. I don't think anything I say will make you cry, but the poem at the end... yeah... I sat at work bawling yesterday when I read it. Note to self: When Kristy sends you an email with the subject like "You might cry" just don't open it... at least not while at work!
I don't think I need to remind anyone (although I haven't talked about it much on here) that we were originally pregnant with twins. A and B. Thing 1 and Thing 2. Both with heartbeats. Both looked the exact same but were just different sizes. One was big, one was small. But both had heartbeats. I SAW THOSE HEARTBEATS. Both of them.
I told myself going into that sonogram that day that there was probably only one embryo that stuck, based on my numbers... And that I was okay with that if that was the case. It meant the other just wasn't meant to be...
And then my uterus popped up on that screen... And there were two of everything. Two beautiful little... well, blobs.... Two beautiful little LIVES growing right there in front of my eyes, with heartbeats! I could HEAR the doctor saying that the smaller baby probably wouldn't make it. "This one probably won't be viable." Won't be viable? It's viable. It's right there. That baby is alive right now.... That's all I could think...
I prayed and prayed.... I prayed to God, I told Him that I trusted that He was with us and He knew what He was doing. Whatever the outcome... I handed it over to God. And it was the hardest thing to do. I did everything I could to keep my body in the best shape as possible. I didn't make a single decision without thinking about our BABIES. Because there were two. And their well being comes first....
Going into the next sonogram, I wasn't sure what I'd see. But I WANTED my doctor to be wrong. I wanted to prove that a smaller baby didn't mean he or she wouldn't make it. But, alas, that's not how it played out. That wasn't God's plan. I KNOW that God has our best interests in mind. I know how hard this singleton pregnancy has been on me, and if we had to times that by two? Well, there's no telling what kind of shape I'd be in...
I'm ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC that we have this little one right now, in my belly, and that she's so active and healthy... And that makes it even harder to grieve the loss of Baby B. Since the day we found out that he or she was gone, I felt like I couldn't voice how upset I was to anyone. I was thankful for Baby A, of course. But I also was grieving the loss of her brother or sister. The twin she'd never know. That we'd never know. Not until we get to Heaven anyway....
Finding out our amazingly wonderful daughter was in fact, a daughter, was a wonderful day... And then there was that thought bubble that pops up at random times through out the day "I wonder if Baby B was a boy or girl... I wonder what we'd be doing with the nursery if they had both made it...."
And that's the thing... I think about Baby A constantly. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about Baby B, every day. Every single day. During the day he or she pops up into my mind at random times, but any time I pray, well he or she is a main part of my prayers. That he or she is watching over his sisters. That he or she is happy up there with our loved ones we've lost.... That my Uncle Ray is teaching him or her to be as ornery as he was....
So that's where I am on a daily... And I have a hard time connecting with some people who have had miscarriages because I feel like they have it worse than me. I lost a baby, yes... But at the exact same time, one baby was still growing and thriving. That's not fair to them, is it? To grieve as much as they do? And then there are the people who have experienced multiple losses. My heart absolutely aches for them. I don't know how they get through the days sometimes. Really, I don't.
One thing I think that is obvious though, is that my friends rock. My friends who have gone through so much, too... They never make me feel like my emotions and feelings aren't justified. They've NEVER made me feel like I'm not allowed to grieve, or that my loss is less than theirs. They are supportive of me just as I am of them. I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for, and I thank God for them daily as well!!!
So... Now on to the wonderful poem that touched my heart yesterday. A poem I think anyone who has lost a baby should read (a baby at any age, I might add)...
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard Him say.
“A Mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby’s not with you?”
“Yes, you can,” He replied
With confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.”
“I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
“I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
With all the other children and say…
‘We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here.’
“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
it’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!”
Our Wedding Day
On our wedding day 6/13/09 (Just 5 days before finding his tumor)
Friday, April 5, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
22 and 23 week updates!
Okay, prepare for a LONG post. It's a 22 & 23 week post, with a doctor visit thrown in. I had my 22 week post all done and ready to post last week and something happened with blogger and I lost over half of it... Then I was sick, like super duper sick... and then I needed to write a 23 week update, PLUS I had my 23 week appt thrown in there. So. It's all going to be HERE. The 22 week update is at the bottom, since that's the way my posts are normally posted (older at the bottom). And 23 week/dr appt on the top!
23 weeks... Oh good gracious! I am growing by the day... and I'm not the only one noticing. As the weather gets warmer I'm ditching the hoodies. The hoodies which have inadvertently hidden my growing baby bump!! Almost daily I hear "OH MY GOSH YOU'RE SO BIG." I don't mind hearing that right now, because it's quite obviously all baby. I feel huge, my balance is all thrown off, and I can feel that I'm carrying around the extra weight. I can't walk past a mirror without glancing over and feeling SHOCKED AND SURPRISED at this belly. This amazing part of my body that is housing our daughter and keeping her safe and warm and happy. My hips have disappeared. Nothing seems to look the same to me. And I know that once I get even bigger and when the swelling starts (hello hot summer pregnancy) I'm going to hate looking in the mirror... and I'm going to HATE hearing about how big I am. Because believe me, I'll know. I am aware that it comes with the territory. I'm aware that almost every pregnant woman hears it. I am aware I WILL hear it. But if you tell me how big I am when I am 9 months pregnant, prepare to be kicked in the shin. This is your warning ;)
Week 22 to 23 was a rough time. I was perfectly fine one minute, and then could feel my body going downhill. Feeling too warm, stomach uneasiness... Sleep helped... Until I went to work the next day and it happened again. Only I wasn't too warm. I was HOT. I was miserable. I went outside to cool off, It was cold enough for a coat and I was sitting out there rolling up my long sleeves and sweating... And then I got sick. I work with my mom so she tried to help me. Gotta love her, she's never been one to help out any of us kids when it comes to vomit. But she tried. As did my "second mom." I ended up going back inside, finishing up the thing I was working on, and going home.
I called Danny when I got home, and told him I'd gotten sick at work and that I was home. I hadn't felt our sweet baby move at all that day, and I was a little worried about that. I told him I was going to listen in on the home-doppler, and he stayed on the phone with me....
"I don't even know where to start looking for her heartbeat now that she's so big...." I put some gel on my stomach in her usual spot, put the doppler in the gel, and turned it on....
Nothing....
I moved it around a little and heard a few bumps.
"That's you, not her..." Oh... I didn't even realize he could hear that...
I moved it again.... And again....
WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP
"There. There she is." Yep, there is our wonderful girl, she's just been calm because I've been so miserable.
"Yeah, that's definitely her heart beat. It's in the 140s."
"Okay, well, now that I know she's fine, I've got to get back to work. Get some rest, and call me if you need anything."
Hot cold hot cold hot cold. Sweating. Freezing. Sweating. Freezing. Cover up, uncover. Cover up, uncover. I was miserable for days... And then it was Thursday and it was appointment day. I figured it was good timing. I couldn't get control of the fever, and I figured Dr C would have some advice...
Danny ended up taking off work early to take me to my appointment. We arrived about 10 minutes early and were informed that Dr C was out for a delivery but we could wait.. for about 45 minutes. Yikes. We waited though, because I knew I needed to see her or talk to her about the fever at least. So we waited.... and waited....
Eventually we got called back. First step, as usual, is that scale. That awful awful AWFUL scale that I have been fighting my entire pregnancy. Not the same way so many people battle it. I was battling to see the number go up....
Beep beep beep. 115. Wait, what? 115?!?! Is this for real? I GAINED FIVE POUNDS!!!! FINALLY!!!!!
We were taken to a room where I answered the usual questions and had my blood pressure checked... Then we had to wait for Dr C.
"I gained five pounds!!"
"Five??"
"Yep. Five pounds."
"Well, finally. I'm sure the doctor will be happy about that babe." Ahhh I hope so!
We waited for quite a while... in a room that was much too warm. Especially for me poor body that couldn't control a temperature at all...
Finally Dr C came in...
"Hey guys!! How are you doing? Better I hope?"
"Ohhh Dr C. Up until this week, I've been REALLY great. Very few headaches, the nausea isn't nearly as often. It's been GREAT. But this week I guess I caught a bug or something..."
I went on to explain all of my lovely symptoms. She asked if I had a few other symptoms, which I did not. And she wanted to feel around on my belly. She felt around, measured, and then went to listen for the heart beat.
WHOOMP WHOOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP There was some static which I'm not used to hearing on her doppler, and she listened to Baby Girl for quite a lot longer than usual. WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP. Perfect little heart beat in the 140s, which is normal for her.
"Well, she sounds good. Stay on top of your fever as best you can with Tylenol, and if it doesn't go away SOON, give us a call. Also, if you develop a rash, or a sore throat, call. Now, I need you to watch your temperature closely. If it gets to 102, no matter how you feel, if it gets to 102, you need to be seen IMMEDIATELY." Why if it gets to 102? Why is that the magic number? What does that mean? Where is our thermometer at? Our old thermometer which probably doesn't work right.....
"Okay, well I will see you again in one month. And that's when you'll have your gestational diabetes testing. We'll give you an orange drink when you check in, then I'll see you like I normally do, and then about an hour after you've had the drink then you'll go down for lab work. Easy peasy." Ohhhh that drink. That marvelous drink I've heard so much about. I hope I can manage to drink it without throwing up. Ugh.
We scheduled my next appointment and left... While walking out to the car Danny took charge of the thermometer situation. I guess the same thoughts were running through his mind...
"We should probably stop at the store and get a new thermometer...." Well ooookaaaayyyy.
So we did. We ate dinner and then went to WalMart for a thermometer. And ice cream. Because, you know, a sick girl needs ice cream.
Now for the weekly update!
...............................................................................................................................................
Whoa... we are officially 22 weeks into this pregnancy. 18 more to go. And only two more weeks until "V-Day." No, I haven't lost my mind, I'm not talking about Valentine's Day. I'm talking about Viability Day. If you've been pregnant, you probably know what that means. If not, well, you're not alone. I didn't either for the longest time. I saw references to "V-Day" all over the pregnancy forums. Nobody really explained it though, so off to google I went.
About.com gave me the answer I was looking for. I will just go ahead and quote it:
Strictly speaking, most doctors define the age of viability as being about 24 weeks of gestation. In many hospitals, 24 weeks is the cutoff point for when doctors will use intensive medical intervention to attempt to save the life of a baby born prematurely. A baby born at 24 weeks would generally require a lot of intervention, potentially including mechanical ventilation and other invasive treatments followed by a lengthy stay in a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU).In the hands of experienced specialists, though, babies born slightly earlier may have a chance at survival. Babies born at 23 weeks may survive with these specialists in a state-of-the-art NICU, but the odds of survival are much lower. The earliest baby to have ever survived premature birth was born at 21 weeks and 6 days, and this was reported in the news as having been a "miracle."Odds of survival increase as the pregnancy progresses, and even an extra week in the womb can make a difference. In general, premature babies born closer to 37 weeks will be much better off than those born before 28 weeks.
There you have it. Yes there are babies born before 24 weeks that have survived. But it's not common. So, that 24 week marker is really a big deal. Unfortunately, not all babies make it even AFTER that 24 weeks. So, to me, 24 weeks is just another little milestone. I'm not going to hit 24 weeks and assume all will be well or that Baby is somehow guaranteed to make it. At this point, I know too much. And it's not just by doing research (I really haven't done much). It's from experiences of friends and family members. It's seeing that hurt that a mom experiences when she loses her baby. It's never "safe." Nothing ever really is, is it? Ugh...
So... yeah... 22 weeks! That's where we are. And we are a month out from our 3D sonogram!! April 27th can't come fast enough! We will get to see our little girl again! And Faith will get to see her on the big screen while she's moving and kicking and squirming! I can't wait!! We booked the appointment a while ago. You have to book in advance, especially for a Saturday appointment. We only have Faith every other Saturday. And they recommend doing the 3d scan during specific weeks in order to get the best view... We have Faith's birthday party already planned, my two baby showers planned... That left us with, LITERALLY, one day. One option. I called immediately once I realized that, and they had an opening for that day!! I snatched it up, of course! April 27th :) Let the countdown begin!!!
Now on to the weekly update.....
23 weeks... Oh good gracious! I am growing by the day... and I'm not the only one noticing. As the weather gets warmer I'm ditching the hoodies. The hoodies which have inadvertently hidden my growing baby bump!! Almost daily I hear "OH MY GOSH YOU'RE SO BIG." I don't mind hearing that right now, because it's quite obviously all baby. I feel huge, my balance is all thrown off, and I can feel that I'm carrying around the extra weight. I can't walk past a mirror without glancing over and feeling SHOCKED AND SURPRISED at this belly. This amazing part of my body that is housing our daughter and keeping her safe and warm and happy. My hips have disappeared. Nothing seems to look the same to me. And I know that once I get even bigger and when the swelling starts (hello hot summer pregnancy) I'm going to hate looking in the mirror... and I'm going to HATE hearing about how big I am. Because believe me, I'll know. I am aware that it comes with the territory. I'm aware that almost every pregnant woman hears it. I am aware I WILL hear it. But if you tell me how big I am when I am 9 months pregnant, prepare to be kicked in the shin. This is your warning ;)
Week 22 to 23 was a rough time. I was perfectly fine one minute, and then could feel my body going downhill. Feeling too warm, stomach uneasiness... Sleep helped... Until I went to work the next day and it happened again. Only I wasn't too warm. I was HOT. I was miserable. I went outside to cool off, It was cold enough for a coat and I was sitting out there rolling up my long sleeves and sweating... And then I got sick. I work with my mom so she tried to help me. Gotta love her, she's never been one to help out any of us kids when it comes to vomit. But she tried. As did my "second mom." I ended up going back inside, finishing up the thing I was working on, and going home.
I called Danny when I got home, and told him I'd gotten sick at work and that I was home. I hadn't felt our sweet baby move at all that day, and I was a little worried about that. I told him I was going to listen in on the home-doppler, and he stayed on the phone with me....
"I don't even know where to start looking for her heartbeat now that she's so big...." I put some gel on my stomach in her usual spot, put the doppler in the gel, and turned it on....
Nothing....
I moved it around a little and heard a few bumps.
"That's you, not her..." Oh... I didn't even realize he could hear that...
I moved it again.... And again....
WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP
"There. There she is." Yep, there is our wonderful girl, she's just been calm because I've been so miserable.
"Yeah, that's definitely her heart beat. It's in the 140s."
"Okay, well, now that I know she's fine, I've got to get back to work. Get some rest, and call me if you need anything."
Hot cold hot cold hot cold. Sweating. Freezing. Sweating. Freezing. Cover up, uncover. Cover up, uncover. I was miserable for days... And then it was Thursday and it was appointment day. I figured it was good timing. I couldn't get control of the fever, and I figured Dr C would have some advice...
Danny ended up taking off work early to take me to my appointment. We arrived about 10 minutes early and were informed that Dr C was out for a delivery but we could wait.. for about 45 minutes. Yikes. We waited though, because I knew I needed to see her or talk to her about the fever at least. So we waited.... and waited....
Eventually we got called back. First step, as usual, is that scale. That awful awful AWFUL scale that I have been fighting my entire pregnancy. Not the same way so many people battle it. I was battling to see the number go up....
Beep beep beep. 115. Wait, what? 115?!?! Is this for real? I GAINED FIVE POUNDS!!!! FINALLY!!!!!
We were taken to a room where I answered the usual questions and had my blood pressure checked... Then we had to wait for Dr C.
"I gained five pounds!!"
"Five??"
"Yep. Five pounds."
"Well, finally. I'm sure the doctor will be happy about that babe." Ahhh I hope so!
We waited for quite a while... in a room that was much too warm. Especially for me poor body that couldn't control a temperature at all...
Finally Dr C came in...
"Hey guys!! How are you doing? Better I hope?"
"Ohhh Dr C. Up until this week, I've been REALLY great. Very few headaches, the nausea isn't nearly as often. It's been GREAT. But this week I guess I caught a bug or something..."
I went on to explain all of my lovely symptoms. She asked if I had a few other symptoms, which I did not. And she wanted to feel around on my belly. She felt around, measured, and then went to listen for the heart beat.
WHOOMP WHOOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP There was some static which I'm not used to hearing on her doppler, and she listened to Baby Girl for quite a lot longer than usual. WHOOMP WHOOMP WHOOMP. Perfect little heart beat in the 140s, which is normal for her.
"Well, she sounds good. Stay on top of your fever as best you can with Tylenol, and if it doesn't go away SOON, give us a call. Also, if you develop a rash, or a sore throat, call. Now, I need you to watch your temperature closely. If it gets to 102, no matter how you feel, if it gets to 102, you need to be seen IMMEDIATELY." Why if it gets to 102? Why is that the magic number? What does that mean? Where is our thermometer at? Our old thermometer which probably doesn't work right.....
"Okay, well I will see you again in one month. And that's when you'll have your gestational diabetes testing. We'll give you an orange drink when you check in, then I'll see you like I normally do, and then about an hour after you've had the drink then you'll go down for lab work. Easy peasy." Ohhhh that drink. That marvelous drink I've heard so much about. I hope I can manage to drink it without throwing up. Ugh.
We scheduled my next appointment and left... While walking out to the car Danny took charge of the thermometer situation. I guess the same thoughts were running through his mind...
"We should probably stop at the store and get a new thermometer...." Well ooookaaaayyyy.
So we did. We ate dinner and then went to WalMart for a thermometer. And ice cream. Because, you know, a sick girl needs ice cream.
Now for the weekly update!
How Far Along: 23 weeks
Total Weight Gain: FIVE POUNDS!! I'm around my prepregnancy weight now! FINALLY!!!
Maternity Clothes: Deena is hemming my jeans!
Stretch Marks: Still keeping my fingers crossed, so far so good!
Sleep: I love sleep. Especially when I'm not up all night because a little girl is playing hop scotch on my bladder....
Best Moment This Week: My fever finally going away! And finding out I finally gained some weight!
Miss Anything: Ummm, I'm okay.
Movement: All the time!!! This is a busy little girl in here!
Food Cravings: Ice cream sandwiches
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: Just depends on the day...
Gender: A wonderfully amazing baby GIRL
Labor Signs: Nope
Symptoms: A growing baby bump ;)
Belly Button In or Out: In
Wedding Rings On or Off: On
Happy or Moody Most of the Time: Happy unless you tick me off. Then I stay mad at you for... ever. >>same
Looking Forward To: The 3d ultrasound still! April 27th can't come fast enough!!!!
...............................................................................................................................................
Whoa... we are officially 22 weeks into this pregnancy. 18 more to go. And only two more weeks until "V-Day." No, I haven't lost my mind, I'm not talking about Valentine's Day. I'm talking about Viability Day. If you've been pregnant, you probably know what that means. If not, well, you're not alone. I didn't either for the longest time. I saw references to "V-Day" all over the pregnancy forums. Nobody really explained it though, so off to google I went.
About.com gave me the answer I was looking for. I will just go ahead and quote it:
Strictly speaking, most doctors define the age of viability as being about 24 weeks of gestation. In many hospitals, 24 weeks is the cutoff point for when doctors will use intensive medical intervention to attempt to save the life of a baby born prematurely. A baby born at 24 weeks would generally require a lot of intervention, potentially including mechanical ventilation and other invasive treatments followed by a lengthy stay in a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU).In the hands of experienced specialists, though, babies born slightly earlier may have a chance at survival. Babies born at 23 weeks may survive with these specialists in a state-of-the-art NICU, but the odds of survival are much lower. The earliest baby to have ever survived premature birth was born at 21 weeks and 6 days, and this was reported in the news as having been a "miracle."Odds of survival increase as the pregnancy progresses, and even an extra week in the womb can make a difference. In general, premature babies born closer to 37 weeks will be much better off than those born before 28 weeks.
There you have it. Yes there are babies born before 24 weeks that have survived. But it's not common. So, that 24 week marker is really a big deal. Unfortunately, not all babies make it even AFTER that 24 weeks. So, to me, 24 weeks is just another little milestone. I'm not going to hit 24 weeks and assume all will be well or that Baby is somehow guaranteed to make it. At this point, I know too much. And it's not just by doing research (I really haven't done much). It's from experiences of friends and family members. It's seeing that hurt that a mom experiences when she loses her baby. It's never "safe." Nothing ever really is, is it? Ugh...
So... yeah... 22 weeks! That's where we are. And we are a month out from our 3D sonogram!! April 27th can't come fast enough! We will get to see our little girl again! And Faith will get to see her on the big screen while she's moving and kicking and squirming! I can't wait!! We booked the appointment a while ago. You have to book in advance, especially for a Saturday appointment. We only have Faith every other Saturday. And they recommend doing the 3d scan during specific weeks in order to get the best view... We have Faith's birthday party already planned, my two baby showers planned... That left us with, LITERALLY, one day. One option. I called immediately once I realized that, and they had an opening for that day!! I snatched it up, of course! April 27th :) Let the countdown begin!!!
Now on to the weekly update.....
How Far Along: 22 weeks
Total Weight Gain: I stepped on a scale recently, but I was wearing heavy boots so I'm not sure that number is reliable.... Still blank here
Maternity Clothes: Deena is hemming my jeans!
Stretch Marks: Still keeping my fingers crossed, so far so good!
Sleep: I love sleep. I've been sick, and the fever has been waking me up. But other than that, it's great!
Best Moment This Week: Telling Faith about the 3d sonogram :)
Miss Anything: A normal sized bladder that isn't used as a trampoline!
Movement: All the time!!!
Food Cravings: Anything, basically
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: Just depends on the day...
Gender: A wonderfully amazing baby GIRL
Labor Signs: Nope
Symptoms: A growing baby bump ;)
Belly Button In or Out: In
Wedding Rings On or Off: On... And Deena made me a maternity necklace to hold them when the swelling gets bad...
Happy or Moody Most of the Time: Happy unless you tick me off. Then I stay mad at you for... ever.
Looking Forward To: The 3d sonogram!!!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
A cancer doc update!
Hey there people :)
I have lots of updates for you all. Including my 22 week update, and a baby doc appointment. HOWEVER, blogger is being wonky... So my 22 week update got cut in half. I will edit it and fix it and post it along with the 23 week update. And that will include the baby doc update...
Today's post is about Danny's latest cancer doc appointment. March is almost over. Colon cancer awareness will, yet again, basically drop off the map. Or, the TV, rather. Danny had a check up this week, which left me feeling anxious and scared as usual. He wasn't, of course... he never is. But I just kept flashing back to all the bad news we've gotten. And wouldn't it be fitting if we got more bad news at a March appointment... I'm not usually a downer like that. Hormones make me crazy.
The week before his appointment, I was counting down the days. I couldn't WAIT for Dr J and the nurses to see my belly! I couldn't wait for them to see how far we've come! I couldn't wait to hear that all was fine...
Then the night before his appointment, my mind went into overdrive. What if something shows up on the labwork? What if Dr J suddenly decides that he needs more scans because something isn't quite right. What if, what if, what if. That's what surviving cancer does, or being married to someone who survived cancer... It effs with your head.
Laying in bed, trying to sleep, I could feel my blood pressure going up. I was feeling anxious. Sleep wasn't coming... Danny was still awake so I rolled to face him (rolled? Okay... no.... I tried to sit up kind of and twist and then lay back down... all the while whining because it's kind of painful).
"Are you nervous for your appointment tomorrow?"
"Nope." Nope.... Never... God forbid he actually worry about something before there's something to worry about.
"Good.. I'm glad. Everything is going to be great."
"I'm sure it is." So sure... always so dang sure... But what if......
My sleep that night was basically non existent. I get like that every time his appointments come up. Every single time. Could we handle bad news? Yeah. We've gotten over too many bumps to say that we couldn't handle something. It's just that I don't want to have to. I don't want to watch my husband go through all of this again. I am ready to be done with it. Forever.
Monday Danny and I went to lunch together, like we always do before his appointments. We went to Mooyah. Mmm mmmm Mooyah. We talked about basketball (I hate basketball, with a passion, but I filled out a bracket this year and it's not too bad... Not to mention our local team is doing really well). We talked about other news... We did NOT talk about his appointment. We did NOT talk about my worry. About the knot in my stomach. About the tension building in my shoulders. We talked about fun things. Never about what-if's. We ate and we chatted and then we left... To go to the appointment I was both looking forward to and dreading at the same time.
Walking into the building we were bombarded with the usual smell of the place. Not exactly unpleasant... Just... Too familiar. Linked to too many memories of chemo days. Of LONG chemo days. It's been years since those days occurred twice a month... And it's all still too familiar.
I sat down in our usual area while Danny checked in. I glanced around and noticed people staring. At my belly. I adjusted my shirt, to make sure it hadn't come up to show skin. It hadn't. So I tightened my coat up...
Danny had to talk to a couple people before he sat down with me.
"Three people have gone up to ask how much longer it'll be... And they are all told that the doctor is running about an hour behind...."
"Oh great... Guess we can get comfortable." Again, so normal.... So familiar... Wish we had our normal puzzle to work on....
BzzzzzBBZZZZZZZZBBzzzzzz.
"Whoa, that was fast..."
"Yeah, I guess the doctor running behind isn't my doctor. Let's go." What time is it? It's early... We are seriously going back there 10 minutes before our appointment time?? Well, that's different...
We walked back with the nurse, our usual nurse... Who was staring at my belly. I smiled at her, knowing that she was probably wondering if I'm pregnant or just packing on the pounds... I think the bump is obviously a baby bump, but maybe not everyone does...
Danny weighed what he normally does... And the nurse checked his blood pressure. It was up higher than normal, meaning it was up to what is considered average.
"That's because you're stressing me out Destiny."
"ME?! Whatever!!"
"She's pregnant, I'm probably the one that stresses her out...." No, these appointments stress me out...
"YOU'RE PREGNANT?!?! When are you due??"
"July 25th."
"JULY? Are you kidding me?? You're TINY!!" Tiny? Seriously? No... I'm not tiny...
"Tiny? This is huge for me!"
"Oh that's right, because you were so tiny before! But I'm sure you are going to be all baby! You won't even be able to tell you're pregnant from behind!"
We chatted a bit more about the pregnancy, and how rough it was at the beginning. We didn't mention the IVF. For a few brief moments I got to pretend that this is just a normal pregnancy.
Eventually she left, after touching my shoulder and congratulating us again. Seeing the compassion in her eyes was touching. I just wish it had helped ease my worries... Unfortunately, it didn't... I was still SERIOUSLY STRESSING about what Dr J would say when he came in....
We waited a while, longer than usual actually... Before Dr J finally made his way in... He had a big smile on his face! That's good, right? That means the results are good?
"SO!! A baby huh?" Ahhh, she told him...
"Yep!"
"And when are you due?"
"July 25th..."
"Ohhh how exciting!! It's going to be so amazing for you two! My only grandchild... even though I have 5 kids... just turned one. Things have really changed! I get updates about every 10 minutes, with a new picture of him, on my iPhone." HA!! I bet he's a wonderful grandpa!
*kick kick squirm kick* Little miss was kicking really hard... right on my bladder. Danny saw my face...
"You gonna be okay?" Always so concerned...
"Yeah, she's just going crazy in there..."
"She? So it's a girl?" *kick kick*
"Oh! Yes! A girl is in there!"
Eventually the conversation went to Danny... Or on his lab results. All was well. As usual.
"Okay Daniel, so your last colonoscopy was November 2011?" That's right...
"Ummm...." He looked at me.
"Yes, that's right."
"Okay well, the plans for colonoscopies for colon cancer patients differ slightly from those of rectal cancer patients. Since your cancer was so low in your sigmoid colon, I think we should follow the guidelines for the rectal patients. I want you to have one more before I see you for your last appointment. Right now you've got two appointments left. One in 6 months and one in a year. So, at your next appointment we will set up your scope with Dr H. So I'll have those results to go over at your very last appointment." YEA for one more colonoscopy!! I'm so glad he wants another one! I didn't think Danny would have one for another couple years unless we requested it... And OH. MY. GOOD. LORD. Only two more appointments left here. TWO MORE. For ever. Two more. One more year. OH THANK YOU LORD!!!!!
Dr J made his way over to Danny on the table to listen to his breathing, to feel around on his lymph nodes and then his scars...
And suddenly I forgot to breathe... Since August it's always been ME up on the tables getting examed, getting poked, prodded, stabbed, jabbed... But before August, for 4 entire years, it was him... I forgot what it looked like for him to be in that position. Or rather, I forgot how it made me feel. Knowing everything was fine was one thing... Seeing him up there, wishing he didn't have to do ANY of this. Wishing SO BAD that I could just take his place and he could sit in the chair and be the strong one.... It just hurts. Danny is FINE and it still hurts to see him on that table...
And then it hit me again, we've come so far... Four years ago, sitting here, our main focus was just KEEPING DANNY ALIVE. Yeah, we postponed treatment in order to have the "swimmer surgery." But we only had that surgery because Dr J allowed it. Because Dr J and Dr H both recommended Dr G. We are expecting this amazing baby girl thanks to so many people. But this baby girl and Faith have a Daddy that will be around for many years thanks to Dr H, Dr J and God. I don't think I ever imagined I'd be sitting in this office, knowing Danny is healthy, and feeling our daughter kick to the sound of both Danny's and Dr J's voices. And boy was she loving their voices. I'm sure it's far fetched to think she knows how much we owe Dr J... But she doesn't react like that to anyone's voice besides her Daddy's. So that says something. <3
I snapped out of my thoughts in time to hear Danny and Dr J talking about the Shockers and basketball.... And then we left. We walked out of that office knowing that my husband is still healthy. The cancer is still gone. And that we're almost done with that place forever.
I'm so thankful for all the amazing people at the cancer center. But really, I don't ever want to HAVE to see them again. Two appointments to go. Two. Two. Two. TWO!!!! I'm doing a happy dance here, on my side of the screen. Because frankly, it's better than crying.
So many things have changed...
We are so blessed...
And I didn't know I could be more thankful than I already was... but with every good appointment my gratitude grows. <3 <3 <3
I have lots of updates for you all. Including my 22 week update, and a baby doc appointment. HOWEVER, blogger is being wonky... So my 22 week update got cut in half. I will edit it and fix it and post it along with the 23 week update. And that will include the baby doc update...
Today's post is about Danny's latest cancer doc appointment. March is almost over. Colon cancer awareness will, yet again, basically drop off the map. Or, the TV, rather. Danny had a check up this week, which left me feeling anxious and scared as usual. He wasn't, of course... he never is. But I just kept flashing back to all the bad news we've gotten. And wouldn't it be fitting if we got more bad news at a March appointment... I'm not usually a downer like that. Hormones make me crazy.
The week before his appointment, I was counting down the days. I couldn't WAIT for Dr J and the nurses to see my belly! I couldn't wait for them to see how far we've come! I couldn't wait to hear that all was fine...
Then the night before his appointment, my mind went into overdrive. What if something shows up on the labwork? What if Dr J suddenly decides that he needs more scans because something isn't quite right. What if, what if, what if. That's what surviving cancer does, or being married to someone who survived cancer... It effs with your head.
Laying in bed, trying to sleep, I could feel my blood pressure going up. I was feeling anxious. Sleep wasn't coming... Danny was still awake so I rolled to face him (rolled? Okay... no.... I tried to sit up kind of and twist and then lay back down... all the while whining because it's kind of painful).
"Are you nervous for your appointment tomorrow?"
"Nope." Nope.... Never... God forbid he actually worry about something before there's something to worry about.
"Good.. I'm glad. Everything is going to be great."
"I'm sure it is." So sure... always so dang sure... But what if......
My sleep that night was basically non existent. I get like that every time his appointments come up. Every single time. Could we handle bad news? Yeah. We've gotten over too many bumps to say that we couldn't handle something. It's just that I don't want to have to. I don't want to watch my husband go through all of this again. I am ready to be done with it. Forever.
Monday Danny and I went to lunch together, like we always do before his appointments. We went to Mooyah. Mmm mmmm Mooyah. We talked about basketball (I hate basketball, with a passion, but I filled out a bracket this year and it's not too bad... Not to mention our local team is doing really well). We talked about other news... We did NOT talk about his appointment. We did NOT talk about my worry. About the knot in my stomach. About the tension building in my shoulders. We talked about fun things. Never about what-if's. We ate and we chatted and then we left... To go to the appointment I was both looking forward to and dreading at the same time.
Walking into the building we were bombarded with the usual smell of the place. Not exactly unpleasant... Just... Too familiar. Linked to too many memories of chemo days. Of LONG chemo days. It's been years since those days occurred twice a month... And it's all still too familiar.
I sat down in our usual area while Danny checked in. I glanced around and noticed people staring. At my belly. I adjusted my shirt, to make sure it hadn't come up to show skin. It hadn't. So I tightened my coat up...
Danny had to talk to a couple people before he sat down with me.
"Three people have gone up to ask how much longer it'll be... And they are all told that the doctor is running about an hour behind...."
"Oh great... Guess we can get comfortable." Again, so normal.... So familiar... Wish we had our normal puzzle to work on....
BzzzzzBBZZZZZZZZBBzzzzzz.
"Whoa, that was fast..."
"Yeah, I guess the doctor running behind isn't my doctor. Let's go." What time is it? It's early... We are seriously going back there 10 minutes before our appointment time?? Well, that's different...
We walked back with the nurse, our usual nurse... Who was staring at my belly. I smiled at her, knowing that she was probably wondering if I'm pregnant or just packing on the pounds... I think the bump is obviously a baby bump, but maybe not everyone does...
Danny weighed what he normally does... And the nurse checked his blood pressure. It was up higher than normal, meaning it was up to what is considered average.
"That's because you're stressing me out Destiny."
"ME?! Whatever!!"
"She's pregnant, I'm probably the one that stresses her out...." No, these appointments stress me out...
"YOU'RE PREGNANT?!?! When are you due??"
"July 25th."
"JULY? Are you kidding me?? You're TINY!!" Tiny? Seriously? No... I'm not tiny...
"Tiny? This is huge for me!"
"Oh that's right, because you were so tiny before! But I'm sure you are going to be all baby! You won't even be able to tell you're pregnant from behind!"
We chatted a bit more about the pregnancy, and how rough it was at the beginning. We didn't mention the IVF. For a few brief moments I got to pretend that this is just a normal pregnancy.
Eventually she left, after touching my shoulder and congratulating us again. Seeing the compassion in her eyes was touching. I just wish it had helped ease my worries... Unfortunately, it didn't... I was still SERIOUSLY STRESSING about what Dr J would say when he came in....
We waited a while, longer than usual actually... Before Dr J finally made his way in... He had a big smile on his face! That's good, right? That means the results are good?
"SO!! A baby huh?" Ahhh, she told him...
"Yep!"
"And when are you due?"
"July 25th..."
"Ohhh how exciting!! It's going to be so amazing for you two! My only grandchild... even though I have 5 kids... just turned one. Things have really changed! I get updates about every 10 minutes, with a new picture of him, on my iPhone." HA!! I bet he's a wonderful grandpa!
*kick kick squirm kick* Little miss was kicking really hard... right on my bladder. Danny saw my face...
"You gonna be okay?" Always so concerned...
"Yeah, she's just going crazy in there..."
"She? So it's a girl?" *kick kick*
"Oh! Yes! A girl is in there!"
Eventually the conversation went to Danny... Or on his lab results. All was well. As usual.
"Okay Daniel, so your last colonoscopy was November 2011?" That's right...
"Ummm...." He looked at me.
"Yes, that's right."
"Okay well, the plans for colonoscopies for colon cancer patients differ slightly from those of rectal cancer patients. Since your cancer was so low in your sigmoid colon, I think we should follow the guidelines for the rectal patients. I want you to have one more before I see you for your last appointment. Right now you've got two appointments left. One in 6 months and one in a year. So, at your next appointment we will set up your scope with Dr H. So I'll have those results to go over at your very last appointment." YEA for one more colonoscopy!! I'm so glad he wants another one! I didn't think Danny would have one for another couple years unless we requested it... And OH. MY. GOOD. LORD. Only two more appointments left here. TWO MORE. For ever. Two more. One more year. OH THANK YOU LORD!!!!!
Dr J made his way over to Danny on the table to listen to his breathing, to feel around on his lymph nodes and then his scars...
And suddenly I forgot to breathe... Since August it's always been ME up on the tables getting examed, getting poked, prodded, stabbed, jabbed... But before August, for 4 entire years, it was him... I forgot what it looked like for him to be in that position. Or rather, I forgot how it made me feel. Knowing everything was fine was one thing... Seeing him up there, wishing he didn't have to do ANY of this. Wishing SO BAD that I could just take his place and he could sit in the chair and be the strong one.... It just hurts. Danny is FINE and it still hurts to see him on that table...
And then it hit me again, we've come so far... Four years ago, sitting here, our main focus was just KEEPING DANNY ALIVE. Yeah, we postponed treatment in order to have the "swimmer surgery." But we only had that surgery because Dr J allowed it. Because Dr J and Dr H both recommended Dr G. We are expecting this amazing baby girl thanks to so many people. But this baby girl and Faith have a Daddy that will be around for many years thanks to Dr H, Dr J and God. I don't think I ever imagined I'd be sitting in this office, knowing Danny is healthy, and feeling our daughter kick to the sound of both Danny's and Dr J's voices. And boy was she loving their voices. I'm sure it's far fetched to think she knows how much we owe Dr J... But she doesn't react like that to anyone's voice besides her Daddy's. So that says something. <3
I snapped out of my thoughts in time to hear Danny and Dr J talking about the Shockers and basketball.... And then we left. We walked out of that office knowing that my husband is still healthy. The cancer is still gone. And that we're almost done with that place forever.
I'm so thankful for all the amazing people at the cancer center. But really, I don't ever want to HAVE to see them again. Two appointments to go. Two. Two. Two. TWO!!!! I'm doing a happy dance here, on my side of the screen. Because frankly, it's better than crying.
So many things have changed...
We are so blessed...
And I didn't know I could be more thankful than I already was... but with every good appointment my gratitude grows. <3 <3 <3
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
The Anatomy Scan
Hey everyone!! I'm finally getting around to posting about our sonogram!!!
Our anatomy scan was originally scheduled for 18 weeks. It was a Thursday... I was counting down the days for weeks. The day before the sonogram, it started to snow... Snow like crazy... We were expected to get a TON of the white fluffiness, and things were starting to close... Which, of course, meant my doctor's office was closing, too! We had to reschedule my appointment for the following Wednesday. We planned on doing the gender reveal the night of the sonogram. So I was switching plans and making new ones and it made me anxious.
I also had to start a new countdown. Eventually, it was the following Wednesday. FINALLY. We could do this! An hour before my appointment (which was strictly the sono, no dr visit) I had to begin the "prep" which included drinking a LOT of water.
I started to get nervous. Not about if this baby was a boy or girl. The anatomy scan focuses on everything - the heart, brain, kidneys, etc etc. Would our baby be healthy? We hadn't seen the baby since December, when we were only 9 weeks along. There wasn't much developed at that point. What if something was wrong?? How would we handle that?
We got to the doctor's office and I checked in and headed downstairs to the lab/sono area. I didn't even have time to sign in before we were called back.
"Have a seat..." I laid my stuff in a chair and started to sit in a chair, too. I thought maybe we'd go over a few questions first.... Nope.
"Oh, no. Up here." Oh crap, already? Oh my gosh. It's time to see our baby!!!
We went over my information. We were early for my appointment (it was 3:15 and the appointment wasn't until 3:30) so she had to change the info in the computer because it was pre programmed with someone else. Then it was time.
"Okay, here we go. Just so I know, are you wanting to know the gender?" Uhhh YES!!!!
"Yes, we do."
"Okay, let's hope this baby cooperates!" Oh this baby BETTER cooperate.
We chatted a bit about how we thought Baby was a boy. The wonderful tech got all the measurements and pointed out all of the different body parts... Legs (LONG legs), arms, hands, feet (with wiggling toes), heart, kidneys... And my bladder, which she was laughing about because Baby was kicking it the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
"Well... I can't get a good view of between the legs. This baby just will not open them. Look, the feet are crossed, the legs are together... And when the legs DO open, the hands go STRAIGHT down there... Let's push around a bit." Stubborn baby... Open up so we can see!! We want to know what name to call you! OUCH... She is jabbing me with that doppler! Good gracious...
No cooperation. Pushing, prying, jabbing....
"Okay how about you try laying on your left side..." Easy, that's what makes Baby move when we're at home...
Nothing. Everything was making those legs tighten up!!!
"Okay... Go empty your bladder. Do some jumping jacks. We've got to get this baby moved or at least flipped! I'm not giving up."
Off I went, to follow orders. Meanwhile, the person who was before me (who was over 30 minutes late to her appointment) showed up. The sono tech told them to reschedule her for the next day.
Back up on the table... More warm goop on the belly... And legs still together.
More jabbing. Poking. Pushing.
"Stand up, jump around some more..." SERIOUSLY BABY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'M STARTING TO GET A LITTLE UPSET!!!!!
"Whew. Is this even safe? All this jumping around?"
"It's perfectly safe... You're not overdoing it." Ahhh okay. Surely this worked!
Back up on the table...
.......
Nothing. Those legs were just not budging.
"Do you want to come back next week? You can just come downstairs here, no need to check in or anything. We'll get you in and out. It won't be a medical thing so we won't go through any computers or anything." Free, then... Hmmm.... Sounds good to me!
We left happy that Baby was healthy... and so very sad that we didn't know if Baby was a he or she! I sent texts to everyone who was going to be at the gender reveal, letting them know that it was OFF because baby is stubborn (healthy! But stubborn). Everyone seemed as disappointed as we were...
The next day I had my 19 week appointment with Dr C. Since Danny had taken off work the day before for the sonogram, he didn't take off again. We didn't seriously think there was a chance that I'd suddenly find out if the baby was a boy or girl anyway... HA!!!
At the beginning of my appointment I stepped on the scale. I finally looked pregnant so I was expecting to see a bit of a jump in weight, I was prepared... Beep, beep beep. I looked down.
110.
110??? That means I haven't gained back any more! I'm still below pre pregnancy weight! How is that even possible? Baby is measuring right on time. Ohh I'm in trouble....
And I was.
When Dr C came in we went over how I was feeling, she assured me I should be feeling better soon. Less headaches. The nausea should lift somewhat or completely. I took it with a grain of salt, because I thought week 18 would be that magical week for me, and it wasn't...
We checked for the heartbeat (a student and I) while Dr C went over the sono results.
"So everything looks great! Baby is measuring right on track. All the organs look good. It was a good sonogram!"
"Yeah, the baby is healthy... but we don't know if the baby is a he or she..."
"What? She couldn't tell?" She looked through the sonogram again. "Hmm. WELL. Do you have a few minutes?"
"I do."
"Then I'm sending you down for a quick look. She'll squeeze you in. Just a quick in and out of there, we won't even put you in the system." BAHAHAHAHAHA I'm going to find out without anyone knowing!! HAHAHAHAHAHA
"But before we go double check with her... Let's talk about your weight." Cue doom music... Duh duh duuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......
"Yeah... I'm not gaining..."
"No, you're not. You should have by now. Since Baby is measuring on track, that means that things are okay for now. But that means that YOU aren't getting what YOU need. YOU are losing what the baby is gaining. Have you tried to eat more often?"
"Yep. I eat all the time. I even have a stash of crackers in my purse for when I feel hungry and don't have food around. I always have crackers."
"Still nauseous though... Keep up with the crackers. Eat when you can. Eat what you can. If you still haven't gained by your next appointment, we'll get serious with this." Get serious? I AM serious. I want to make sure Baby gets everything necessary. What will happen if I still don't gain?? Oh gosh...
While my mind was going 90 miles an hour over the weight gain (or lack thereof) issue, Dr C called down to the sono tech and asked if she could squeeze me in. She could. So I checked out, scheduled my next appointment, and headed downstairs.
While I was waiting, I sent a text to Danny. He was driving so I called him so we could talk this out. He had to get to school so he couldn't rush to the doctor, he'd be late to class. So we decided I would have the tech write the results down in a sealed envelope and we'd open it together when he got home.
Then I sent a text to my mom. She had mentioned going with me to my appointment since Danny couldn't. But decided against it. Her words exactly were "If I knew FOR SURE that the doctor would order another sonogram to see what this baby is, I'd go. And I'd force myself into the room and find out right then!" So, of course I had to rub it in a little bit!
When I got called back, the tech and I chatted a bit about how we were supposed to come back the next week. I asked her if she could put the results in an envelope for Danny and I to open up that night. She said yes, and seemed excited about it! She told me to turn away so I wouldn't accidentally see anything.
"Is the baby cooperating better this time?"
"A little bit!" A little bit? Only a little bit? Will she be sure, then??
"Okay! We're done. Don't look!!" Ahhh SHE KNOWS!!!
I watched her take the envelope into her little office area, hold it up to the light...
"I need to cover it up again. You can see through the envelope!" HA!!!
She eventually handed the sealed envelope over to me... I stuffed it into my purse so I wouldn't be tempted to cheat and rip open the envelope myself!!!!
A few AGONIZING hours later... Danny finally got home.
We sat on the couch.
"Are you ready for this?"
"Let's do it." Oh my gosh, we're about to find out if we're having a son or daughter! OH MY GOSH.
I opened the envelope. The "goods" were covered up with a sticky note... I gently took the sticky note off of the picture... Along with the goods was the word "GIRL!"
"Holy $%^#... We're in so much trouble..."
Cue tears, of love and happiness!!
That night was the first time we noticeably felt a kick from the outside. Baby girl kicked so hard that my stomach got all deformed until she relaxed and her little foot went back in. Danny was already asleep beside me but I was giggling and it woke him up. I told him what was happening. He put his hand on my belly, and we fell asleep like that... With our daughter kicking her daddy's hand while we drifted into dreamland... <3
Our anatomy scan was originally scheduled for 18 weeks. It was a Thursday... I was counting down the days for weeks. The day before the sonogram, it started to snow... Snow like crazy... We were expected to get a TON of the white fluffiness, and things were starting to close... Which, of course, meant my doctor's office was closing, too! We had to reschedule my appointment for the following Wednesday. We planned on doing the gender reveal the night of the sonogram. So I was switching plans and making new ones and it made me anxious.
I also had to start a new countdown. Eventually, it was the following Wednesday. FINALLY. We could do this! An hour before my appointment (which was strictly the sono, no dr visit) I had to begin the "prep" which included drinking a LOT of water.
I started to get nervous. Not about if this baby was a boy or girl. The anatomy scan focuses on everything - the heart, brain, kidneys, etc etc. Would our baby be healthy? We hadn't seen the baby since December, when we were only 9 weeks along. There wasn't much developed at that point. What if something was wrong?? How would we handle that?
We got to the doctor's office and I checked in and headed downstairs to the lab/sono area. I didn't even have time to sign in before we were called back.
"Have a seat..." I laid my stuff in a chair and started to sit in a chair, too. I thought maybe we'd go over a few questions first.... Nope.
"Oh, no. Up here." Oh crap, already? Oh my gosh. It's time to see our baby!!!
We went over my information. We were early for my appointment (it was 3:15 and the appointment wasn't until 3:30) so she had to change the info in the computer because it was pre programmed with someone else. Then it was time.
"Okay, here we go. Just so I know, are you wanting to know the gender?" Uhhh YES!!!!
"Yes, we do."
"Okay, let's hope this baby cooperates!" Oh this baby BETTER cooperate.
We chatted a bit about how we thought Baby was a boy. The wonderful tech got all the measurements and pointed out all of the different body parts... Legs (LONG legs), arms, hands, feet (with wiggling toes), heart, kidneys... And my bladder, which she was laughing about because Baby was kicking it the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
"Well... I can't get a good view of between the legs. This baby just will not open them. Look, the feet are crossed, the legs are together... And when the legs DO open, the hands go STRAIGHT down there... Let's push around a bit." Stubborn baby... Open up so we can see!! We want to know what name to call you! OUCH... She is jabbing me with that doppler! Good gracious...
No cooperation. Pushing, prying, jabbing....
"Okay how about you try laying on your left side..." Easy, that's what makes Baby move when we're at home...
Nothing. Everything was making those legs tighten up!!!
"Okay... Go empty your bladder. Do some jumping jacks. We've got to get this baby moved or at least flipped! I'm not giving up."
Off I went, to follow orders. Meanwhile, the person who was before me (who was over 30 minutes late to her appointment) showed up. The sono tech told them to reschedule her for the next day.
Back up on the table... More warm goop on the belly... And legs still together.
More jabbing. Poking. Pushing.
"Stand up, jump around some more..." SERIOUSLY BABY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'M STARTING TO GET A LITTLE UPSET!!!!!
"Whew. Is this even safe? All this jumping around?"
"It's perfectly safe... You're not overdoing it." Ahhh okay. Surely this worked!
Back up on the table...
.......
Nothing. Those legs were just not budging.
"Do you want to come back next week? You can just come downstairs here, no need to check in or anything. We'll get you in and out. It won't be a medical thing so we won't go through any computers or anything." Free, then... Hmmm.... Sounds good to me!
We left happy that Baby was healthy... and so very sad that we didn't know if Baby was a he or she! I sent texts to everyone who was going to be at the gender reveal, letting them know that it was OFF because baby is stubborn (healthy! But stubborn). Everyone seemed as disappointed as we were...
The next day I had my 19 week appointment with Dr C. Since Danny had taken off work the day before for the sonogram, he didn't take off again. We didn't seriously think there was a chance that I'd suddenly find out if the baby was a boy or girl anyway... HA!!!
At the beginning of my appointment I stepped on the scale. I finally looked pregnant so I was expecting to see a bit of a jump in weight, I was prepared... Beep, beep beep. I looked down.
110.
110??? That means I haven't gained back any more! I'm still below pre pregnancy weight! How is that even possible? Baby is measuring right on time. Ohh I'm in trouble....
And I was.
When Dr C came in we went over how I was feeling, she assured me I should be feeling better soon. Less headaches. The nausea should lift somewhat or completely. I took it with a grain of salt, because I thought week 18 would be that magical week for me, and it wasn't...
We checked for the heartbeat (a student and I) while Dr C went over the sono results.
"So everything looks great! Baby is measuring right on track. All the organs look good. It was a good sonogram!"
"Yeah, the baby is healthy... but we don't know if the baby is a he or she..."
"What? She couldn't tell?" She looked through the sonogram again. "Hmm. WELL. Do you have a few minutes?"
"I do."
"Then I'm sending you down for a quick look. She'll squeeze you in. Just a quick in and out of there, we won't even put you in the system." BAHAHAHAHAHA I'm going to find out without anyone knowing!! HAHAHAHAHAHA
"But before we go double check with her... Let's talk about your weight." Cue doom music... Duh duh duuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......
"Yeah... I'm not gaining..."
"No, you're not. You should have by now. Since Baby is measuring on track, that means that things are okay for now. But that means that YOU aren't getting what YOU need. YOU are losing what the baby is gaining. Have you tried to eat more often?"
"Yep. I eat all the time. I even have a stash of crackers in my purse for when I feel hungry and don't have food around. I always have crackers."
"Still nauseous though... Keep up with the crackers. Eat when you can. Eat what you can. If you still haven't gained by your next appointment, we'll get serious with this." Get serious? I AM serious. I want to make sure Baby gets everything necessary. What will happen if I still don't gain?? Oh gosh...
While my mind was going 90 miles an hour over the weight gain (or lack thereof) issue, Dr C called down to the sono tech and asked if she could squeeze me in. She could. So I checked out, scheduled my next appointment, and headed downstairs.
While I was waiting, I sent a text to Danny. He was driving so I called him so we could talk this out. He had to get to school so he couldn't rush to the doctor, he'd be late to class. So we decided I would have the tech write the results down in a sealed envelope and we'd open it together when he got home.
Then I sent a text to my mom. She had mentioned going with me to my appointment since Danny couldn't. But decided against it. Her words exactly were "If I knew FOR SURE that the doctor would order another sonogram to see what this baby is, I'd go. And I'd force myself into the room and find out right then!" So, of course I had to rub it in a little bit!
When I got called back, the tech and I chatted a bit about how we were supposed to come back the next week. I asked her if she could put the results in an envelope for Danny and I to open up that night. She said yes, and seemed excited about it! She told me to turn away so I wouldn't accidentally see anything.
"Is the baby cooperating better this time?"
"A little bit!" A little bit? Only a little bit? Will she be sure, then??
"Okay! We're done. Don't look!!" Ahhh SHE KNOWS!!!
I watched her take the envelope into her little office area, hold it up to the light...
"I need to cover it up again. You can see through the envelope!" HA!!!
She eventually handed the sealed envelope over to me... I stuffed it into my purse so I wouldn't be tempted to cheat and rip open the envelope myself!!!!
A few AGONIZING hours later... Danny finally got home.
We sat on the couch.
"Are you ready for this?"
"Let's do it." Oh my gosh, we're about to find out if we're having a son or daughter! OH MY GOSH.
I opened the envelope. The "goods" were covered up with a sticky note... I gently took the sticky note off of the picture... Along with the goods was the word "GIRL!"
"Holy $%^#... We're in so much trouble..."
Cue tears, of love and happiness!!
That night was the first time we noticeably felt a kick from the outside. Baby girl kicked so hard that my stomach got all deformed until she relaxed and her little foot went back in. Danny was already asleep beside me but I was giggling and it woke him up. I told him what was happening. He put his hand on my belly, and we fell asleep like that... With our daughter kicking her daddy's hand while we drifted into dreamland... <3
21 Weeks!
Hey there everyone! Two posts in one DAY! Aren't you happy?? Really this isn't what I planned. I typed up the Anatomy Scan post last week and planned on posting it the next day. But I have this thing called prego brain. I always thought that was just an excuse. No. Seriously. It's for real. I will say something to Danny and not 5 minutes later will wonder to myself if I told him whatever it was I DID tell him... So I tell him again. Which normally is followed by that "duh" look from him. I feel like an idiot most of the time. It's new to me.
So, we are 21 weeks down... 19 to go! I look pregnant. I feel pregnant. And most of the time this amazing baby makes herself known by sticking body parts out of my belly. It's weird. I'm pretty sure this weekend I felt a foot when I was letting my niece feel my belly. Maybe it was a hand. All I know is that it wasn't something I normally feel (I'm absolutely positive this little girl is always sticking her butt out... She's got too much booty in her pants I guess), and it was pointy. Maybe an elbow? HOW DO YOU PEOPLE TELL?! Because I know my reaction:
"Shi you wanna come feel? Here's her butt... Oh, hey, she just flipped. What is this? WHAT IS THIS? IT'S POKEY AND POINTY WHAT IS IT?!?!?!?!"
Shianne tried to feel but of course is even less experienced than I am. And by the time someone WITH experience rushed over to feel, Baby pulled back in and snuggled tight. I guess she didn't like me questioning what her body parts were. Whoops.
Also this weekend we had a date night... We went to see Oz The Great and Powerful. Baby loved it, she was kicking and squirming the whole time!
This weekend was probably the worst for my back pain. I've been saying for weeks that I need to see a chiro because my back pain has been awful. And Saturday I was brought to tears multiple times. I couldn't handle it anymore. I just couldn't. I looked up our major chiro here in town and read about how they work with pregnant women, and I decided I would call them asap...
Then Danny came to bed and I laid on my side and asked him to please just push on the spot that hurt. He massaged for a few minutes and figured out my issue. My muscle from my spine to my hip was SO BEYOND tight that it took him a while to get it worked loose. That time was painful for me but I knew it would help....
And it did.
I woke up Sunday and was able to get out of bed without an issue. I bent down to get my slippers without flinching. I bent down to pick up my cat without stopping mid-way and giving up... I COULD MOVE!!!
My husband rocks!
Now... on to the weekly quiz update!!
So, we are 21 weeks down... 19 to go! I look pregnant. I feel pregnant. And most of the time this amazing baby makes herself known by sticking body parts out of my belly. It's weird. I'm pretty sure this weekend I felt a foot when I was letting my niece feel my belly. Maybe it was a hand. All I know is that it wasn't something I normally feel (I'm absolutely positive this little girl is always sticking her butt out... She's got too much booty in her pants I guess), and it was pointy. Maybe an elbow? HOW DO YOU PEOPLE TELL?! Because I know my reaction:
"Shi you wanna come feel? Here's her butt... Oh, hey, she just flipped. What is this? WHAT IS THIS? IT'S POKEY AND POINTY WHAT IS IT?!?!?!?!"
Shianne tried to feel but of course is even less experienced than I am. And by the time someone WITH experience rushed over to feel, Baby pulled back in and snuggled tight. I guess she didn't like me questioning what her body parts were. Whoops.
Also this weekend we had a date night... We went to see Oz The Great and Powerful. Baby loved it, she was kicking and squirming the whole time!
This weekend was probably the worst for my back pain. I've been saying for weeks that I need to see a chiro because my back pain has been awful. And Saturday I was brought to tears multiple times. I couldn't handle it anymore. I just couldn't. I looked up our major chiro here in town and read about how they work with pregnant women, and I decided I would call them asap...
Then Danny came to bed and I laid on my side and asked him to please just push on the spot that hurt. He massaged for a few minutes and figured out my issue. My muscle from my spine to my hip was SO BEYOND tight that it took him a while to get it worked loose. That time was painful for me but I knew it would help....
And it did.
I woke up Sunday and was able to get out of bed without an issue. I bent down to get my slippers without flinching. I bent down to pick up my cat without stopping mid-way and giving up... I COULD MOVE!!!
My husband rocks!
Now... on to the weekly quiz update!!
How Far Along: 21 weeks
Total Weight Gain: I don't know yet... I will update this after my next appt!
Maternity Clothes: It's been warm enough for my yoga pants... So those are my maternity clothes thank you very much...
Stretch Marks: So far my skin on my belly is still great!
Sleep: Ahhhh sleep is fabulous these days! Thanks to Danny fixing my back!
Best Moment This Week: Have I mentioned Danny fixing my back?? :)
Miss Anything: Ummm, I'm good actually.
Movement: All the time!!!
Food Cravings: Anything, I just need it often...
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: Just depends on the day...
Gender: A wonderfully amazing baby GIRL
Labor Signs: Nope
Symptoms: Leg cramps... Those stink!
Belly Button In or Out: In
Wedding Rings On or Off: On and FALLING off.
Happy or Moody Most of the Time: Happy unless you tick me off. Then I stay mad at you for... ever.
Looking Forward To: Seeing this amazing baby again! Hopefully my doc approves a 3d ultrasound!
Monday, March 18, 2013
Guest Post - Kris & Mike
When Danny was diagnosed with cancer, we didn't have Facebook. We were still in the Myspace crowd. Yeah, it was that long ago...
When we finally got a facebook, I stumbled upon the Colon Cancer Awareness group/page. I posted our story. I read other stories. And a few of us women grew really close. We call ourselves the CC Wives Club. We've all had our lives flipped upside down by colon cancer. We all know the side effects of the chemo. Of the surgery. And we all know how we felt on the day that we were told our husbands had colon cancer.
You've all read my story. My side. My memories.
Well... Today's post involved one of the CC Wives... Kris. About her husband Mike. Read. Share. Be aware!
When we finally got a facebook, I stumbled upon the Colon Cancer Awareness group/page. I posted our story. I read other stories. And a few of us women grew really close. We call ourselves the CC Wives Club. We've all had our lives flipped upside down by colon cancer. We all know the side effects of the chemo. Of the surgery. And we all know how we felt on the day that we were told our husbands had colon cancer.
You've all read my story. My side. My memories.
Well... Today's post involved one of the CC Wives... Kris. About her husband Mike. Read. Share. Be aware!
The day my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer will be
forever etched in my memory. It’s a time
I’d like to pretend never happened, but it did. I look back and find hidden
blessings in that diagnosis. I am sure you are wondering why I feel a cancer diagnosis
can bring blessings, but if you’ve ever walked in those shoes, I bet you’d
agree. A cancer diagnosis stirs a million emotions and feelings you never ever
dreamt you’d experience; often unpleasant and the hopes for the bad dream to
end and you wake to the normal life you once knew. Then, after some time, there
is a magical moment that occurs in your heart and soul when you stand back and
reflect on it all. You realize how precious each and every day in the world
is. We are never guaranteed a tomorrow,
but by living each day to its fullest and making memories that can be carried
on when we are gone, this is what life is truly about. I remember watching Mike
mow the lawn from the kitchen window and I’d cry my eyes out just watching him.
I wondered what he was thinking while he was out there. Was he afraid? Did he cry? I remember being so upset with him
for saying I should take all of his life insurance money and throw a huge party
celebrating his life when he was gone. I didn’t want a party or life insurance
money-damn it, I wanted him to be my husband forever in this world. There were many silent moments of arms
tightly wrapped around each other; no words needed to be said. There were moments when tears were shed
together, but his were for me and my feelings and never about his life possibly
ending. He had no fear of death and he felt confident that he didn’t need that
6 months of chemo that I made him do and his dr. said he didn’t need to. He did
that for me; I wanted him to survive. That shocking diagnosis brought us
together in a way that cannot be described. You look at each other differently.
Your love for one another is on a totally different level. The strength between
the two of you grows with every negative thing thrown at you and the bond cannot
be broken. Cancer does have a positive side and it certainly made that impact
on us.
Here’s my story! My husband had been having rectal bleeding off
and on for a few years. His doctor told him it was hemorrhoids without ever doing
an exam or other testing. Men are funny about that part of their body and don't
like to talk about it. After being together for 16 years we decided to finally
marry in June 2008. I told him since he was now my husband he was getting a
colonoscopy done whether or not he wanted it and sent him to my dr. who agreed.
His colonoscopy day happened to be scheduled the day before our daughter’s big
15th birthday party sleepover. I had a feeling deep in my gut that
something would be wrong. Once the colonoscopy was completed, I was called into
a consult room. The young doctor came in a few minutes later and it was quite obvious
that the news was not good. He was compassionate, touched my arm and told me it
was more complex than he anticipated and a mass was found along with two other
growths. I became extremely flushed, sweaty and felt as if my ears were
clogged. I was in a fog and felt as if I left my body. I did not shed a tear or
feel like I needed to, some sort of other power took over as I asked the doctor
what my husband’s prognosis was. In recovery, my still doped up husband had
grabbed the colonoscopy report by his bedside and asked me about the “malignant
mass.” I played dumb and brushed it off.
Luckily for me, he slept most of the day and evening. Later that night, I
remember going to the basement to call my mother and finally cried when I told
her the news. I went to the store and called his best friend’s wife and told
her the news. The tears for the next two days were short lasting. I had to pretend
everything was fine and prepare for that birthday party. A CT scan was ordered
5 days following the colonoscopy. Still at that point my husband had no clue
how serious the findings were. I take blame for that, until his biopsy and CT
scan results were in, I didn’t want to upset him until we knew exactly what we
were dealing with. Well, the
miscommunication between doctor’s offices put an end to that. The oncology office called with an appointment
before his gastro doctor had even seen him to go over the results. It was at that moment, that he began the
process of facing that damn “C” word. Tattooed on his wrist in Roman numerals
is the date October 17, 2008-the day he was diagnosed with colon cancer. The oncology and surgeon appointments were
three days later. The oncologist visit was promising and it appeared the cancer
had been caught early enough and no spread to other organs. There was no
mention of doing chemo, just surgery to remove the mass. At the surgeon’s
appointment our hopes and hearts sank. He was concerned as to why my husband,
at such a young age, had three growths in his colon. He recommended genetic testing and if it came
back positive he suggested removing the entire colon. He spent a great deal of
time discussing adapting to living without one; which scared the hell out of us.
One week later he was admitted into the hospital for what was to be a laparoscopic
transverse colectomy; it ended up being an abdominal wall incision from sternum
down below the belly button. 1/3 of his colon was removed, as well as his
appendix, which was a good thing. The
appendix had a carcinoid tumor in it.
His staging was 2a/b-due to only three lymph nodes removed they couldn’t
properly stage. He had complications and ended up spending ten days in the
hospital; including his 43rd birthday. My husband has a huge Batman
tattoo across the right side of his chest, his dr. refused to damage that and
put the port in on the opposite side. His port never worked for blood draws
which he hated. He was a trooper and handled his 6 months of chemotherapy
rather well. In fact, the first three months, he continued his strenuous P90X
program and arranged golf outings with friends around his ‘feel good’ times. He amazed his doctor, as his side effects
were few. He did suffer with low WBC from the start and I had to give him
injections of Neupogen. The after-effects of excruciating bone pain were tough.
His 5FU Cocktail (and you can guess what we say the FU stands for) caused neuropathy
in his fingers and hands. Towards the end, the dr. cut back his dosage in hopes
to save the use of his fingers for work and his passion, playing guitar. He had
his port removed a month after his last chemo treatment. He wanted the reminder of his cancer out of
his body.
All seemed to be going well, with the exception of an umbilical
hernia which developed from the original surgery. We had a huge scare in
August-September 2009 when a follow-up CT scan showed a spot on his liver and
shadowing on his omentum. Google is not your friend, trust me; the news was
bad. I had called my brother and he spoke with doctors at the hospital he
worked at. The prognosis was grim if the cancer had spread to his omentum. Scared
out of my mind, I prayed and tried to remain calm. I begged the Lord to please let him live until
our daughter graduated from high school. I would be lost without him, but would
be okay, but thought of how she would continue without her daddy was unbearable.
This moment was far worse than his initial diagnosis. I contacted my work to
get forms that would allow me to take leave to care for him. I considered
putting the house up for sale; it would be a financial burden on top of already
building medical expenses. A million things popped into my mind. His PET scan and omentum and liver biopsy
came back negative. He was then ready for his surgery to repair his incisional/umbilical
hernia from the colectomy. It turns out
his omentum was wrapped around his gallbladder which was removed. We suspect
that was the shadowing on the CT scan.
Follow-up CT scans and colonoscopies continue and as of this
date there is no evidence of disease. He says I saved his life, if I hadn’t
forced him to do the colonoscopy he never would have done it. I would hope that
if we were not together that someone else would have pushed like I did, because
if not he would not be here today.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Twenty weeks down, twenty to go!
I told you that you'd be seeing more posts coming up!! Aren't you happy?! ;)
I've got some more guest posts coming up, soon. It's colon cancer awareness month. I need to get my rear in gear and start spreading awareness again. That's one of the reasons I started this blog, after all...
Danny has a check up with the oncologist this month. Fitting. Just lab work to check his cancer marker levels. And a physical check of his scarring on his tummy. A listen to his lungs, the usual. I'm sure the appointment will involve either some chit chat about hockey or about cars. It's usually one or the other. What am I looking forward to? Hearing that we only have a couple more appointments after this one. Hearing that my husband is SO WONDERFULLY HEALTHY. That he is still a "boring patient." And I can't wait to see Dr J's face when he sees that WE ARE PREGNANT. It's really noticeable now. And, he's one of the amazing doctors we owe thanks to. He and Dr H discussed who to send Danny to for the "swimmer surgery." I think it was ultimately Dr J's call. And Dr J made sure we had time to get everything in order before treatment began, while still keeping us in the "safe zone." This amazing little baby wouldn't be kicking me right now if Dr J hadn't given us time. She wouldn't be here if he hadn't sent us to the best urologist in the area. She wouldn't be here if my husband wasn't here.
Dr H knows that we are pregnant. I'm not sure if I have mentioned that here or not. Danny hasn't had a colonoscopy since the IVF, but his mom has. And she shared the amazing news with him. He clapped his hands, said how happy he is for us. Yeah, these doctors have a special place in my heart. We are so blessed to have them as part of our cancer beating team :)
NOW! On to the pregnancy update for the week! WE ARE HALF WAY DONE!!! Can you believe it? I've been miserable since before the embryo transfer. I've been miserable since before the egg retrieval. I've been miserable since starting the birth control the month before the IVF. I've been miserable for months on end. And what else have I been? SO ABSOLUTELY GRATEFUL AND HAPPY. Because even though my body may be screaming and protesting just about everything we are putting it through, it's all so we can bring this amazing baby into this crazy world we live in. We are SO BLESSED to be in this position. We are so lucky to be the parents of this amazing little girl... And we are at that half way point now. Twenty weeks down, twenty to go. We will meet our little girl in twenty weeks! These months have FLOWN by. It feels like just last month I was taking the at-home tests. Making the trips to OU for the blood tests, then the sonograms. Wow. That's basically all I have to say... Wow.
I still need to post about the sonogram, and the gender reveal we did with the family. And soon I'll be writing letters here, to our daughter <3 I write to her in my Belly Book (thank you Jamie, for convincing me to get that book!), but there's more room here :)
Now for the Weekly quiz!
I've got some more guest posts coming up, soon. It's colon cancer awareness month. I need to get my rear in gear and start spreading awareness again. That's one of the reasons I started this blog, after all...
Danny has a check up with the oncologist this month. Fitting. Just lab work to check his cancer marker levels. And a physical check of his scarring on his tummy. A listen to his lungs, the usual. I'm sure the appointment will involve either some chit chat about hockey or about cars. It's usually one or the other. What am I looking forward to? Hearing that we only have a couple more appointments after this one. Hearing that my husband is SO WONDERFULLY HEALTHY. That he is still a "boring patient." And I can't wait to see Dr J's face when he sees that WE ARE PREGNANT. It's really noticeable now. And, he's one of the amazing doctors we owe thanks to. He and Dr H discussed who to send Danny to for the "swimmer surgery." I think it was ultimately Dr J's call. And Dr J made sure we had time to get everything in order before treatment began, while still keeping us in the "safe zone." This amazing little baby wouldn't be kicking me right now if Dr J hadn't given us time. She wouldn't be here if he hadn't sent us to the best urologist in the area. She wouldn't be here if my husband wasn't here.
Dr H knows that we are pregnant. I'm not sure if I have mentioned that here or not. Danny hasn't had a colonoscopy since the IVF, but his mom has. And she shared the amazing news with him. He clapped his hands, said how happy he is for us. Yeah, these doctors have a special place in my heart. We are so blessed to have them as part of our cancer beating team :)
NOW! On to the pregnancy update for the week! WE ARE HALF WAY DONE!!! Can you believe it? I've been miserable since before the embryo transfer. I've been miserable since before the egg retrieval. I've been miserable since starting the birth control the month before the IVF. I've been miserable for months on end. And what else have I been? SO ABSOLUTELY GRATEFUL AND HAPPY. Because even though my body may be screaming and protesting just about everything we are putting it through, it's all so we can bring this amazing baby into this crazy world we live in. We are SO BLESSED to be in this position. We are so lucky to be the parents of this amazing little girl... And we are at that half way point now. Twenty weeks down, twenty to go. We will meet our little girl in twenty weeks! These months have FLOWN by. It feels like just last month I was taking the at-home tests. Making the trips to OU for the blood tests, then the sonograms. Wow. That's basically all I have to say... Wow.
I still need to post about the sonogram, and the gender reveal we did with the family. And soon I'll be writing letters here, to our daughter <3 I write to her in my Belly Book (thank you Jamie, for convincing me to get that book!), but there's more room here :)
Now for the Weekly quiz!
How Far Along: 20 weeks
Total Weight Gain: I'm sorry, do you really think I have a scale at home that I will willingly step on? No. Sorry. So this will be updated after appointments only LOL
Maternity Clothes: Same as last week
Stretch Marks: None yet. This is genetic, right?? My mom had 4 kids and didn't get stretch marks... CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOR ME, PEOPLE!!!
Sleep: Yes, please... This time change is messing me all up. I need to go to sleep right now!
Best Moment This Week: Listening to Miss Faith read to her little sister already :) One Fish Two Fish. Baby was kicking like crazy!
Miss Anything: Cozy pants. I need them, they are what is most comfy on this prego belly. And it's too cold for them right now :( WAHHH
Movement: LOTS most days. Sunday was an off day for both her and I. I was in some serious pain and she hardly moved at all. Which of course caused a slight panic. I'm so thankful for that doppler I ordered months ago. It's saved my sanity!
Food Cravings: Basically open to anything at this point. But I do have an ice cream sandwich every night. Mmmm
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick: Just depends on the day really...
Gender: A wonderfully amazing baby GIRL
Labor Signs: Not sure what it was I was feeling Sunday, but it wasn't a good thing. Thankfully the pains went away by mid-morning Monday... Stay in there sweet baby girl!!!
Symptoms: Tired... Oh so tired...
Belly Button In or Out: In
Wedding Rings On or Off: On and FALLING off.
Happy or Moody Most of the Time: I am happy most of the time <3
Looking Forward To: Going to sleep every night :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)