A cancer doc update!

Hey there people :)

I have lots of updates for you all. Including my 22 week update, and a baby doc appointment. HOWEVER, blogger is being wonky... So my 22 week update got cut in half. I will edit it and fix it and post it along with the 23 week update. And that will include the baby doc update...

Today's post is about Danny's latest cancer doc appointment. March is almost over. Colon cancer awareness will, yet again, basically drop off the map. Or, the TV, rather. Danny had a check up this week, which left me feeling anxious and scared as usual. He wasn't, of course... he never is. But I just kept flashing back to all the bad news we've gotten. And wouldn't it be fitting if we got more bad news at a March appointment... I'm not usually a downer like that. Hormones make me crazy.

The week before his appointment, I was counting down the days. I couldn't WAIT for Dr J and the nurses to see my belly! I couldn't wait for them to see how far we've come! I couldn't wait to hear that all was fine...
Then the night before his appointment, my mind went into overdrive. What if something shows up on the labwork? What if Dr J suddenly decides that he needs more scans because something isn't quite right. What if, what if, what if. That's what surviving cancer does, or being married to someone who survived cancer... It effs with your head.
Laying in bed, trying to sleep, I could feel my blood pressure going up. I was feeling anxious. Sleep wasn't coming... Danny was still awake so I rolled to face him (rolled? Okay... no.... I tried to sit up kind of and twist and then lay back down... all the while whining because it's kind of painful).
"Are you nervous for your appointment tomorrow?"
"Nope." Nope.... Never... God forbid he actually worry about something before there's something to worry about.
"Good.. I'm glad. Everything is going to be great."
"I'm sure it is." So sure... always so dang sure... But what if......

My sleep that night was basically non existent. I get like that every time his appointments come up. Every single time. Could we handle bad news? Yeah. We've gotten over too many bumps to say that we couldn't handle something. It's just that I don't want to have to. I don't want to watch my husband go through all of this again. I am ready to be done with it. Forever.

Monday Danny and I went to lunch together, like we always do before his appointments. We went to Mooyah. Mmm mmmm Mooyah. We talked about basketball (I hate basketball, with a passion, but I filled out a bracket this year and it's not too bad... Not to mention our local team is doing really well). We talked about other news... We did NOT talk about his appointment. We did NOT talk about my worry. About the knot in my stomach. About the tension building in my shoulders. We talked about fun things. Never about what-if's. We ate and we chatted and then we left... To go to the appointment I was both looking forward to and dreading at the same time.

Walking into the building we were bombarded with the usual smell of the place. Not exactly unpleasant... Just... Too familiar. Linked to too many memories of chemo days. Of LONG chemo days. It's been years since those days occurred twice a month... And it's all still too familiar.

I sat down in our usual area while Danny checked in. I glanced around and noticed people staring. At my belly. I adjusted my shirt, to make sure it hadn't come up to show skin. It hadn't. So I tightened my coat up...
Danny had to talk to a couple people before he sat down with me.
"Three people have gone up to ask how much longer it'll be... And they are all told that the doctor is running about an hour behind...."
"Oh great... Guess we can get comfortable." Again, so normal.... So familiar... Wish we had our  normal puzzle to work on....

BzzzzzBBZZZZZZZZBBzzzzzz.
"Whoa, that was fast..."
"Yeah, I guess the doctor running behind isn't my doctor. Let's go." What time is it? It's early... We are seriously going back there 10 minutes before our appointment time?? Well, that's different...
We walked back with the nurse, our usual nurse... Who was staring at my belly. I smiled at her, knowing that she was probably wondering if I'm pregnant or just packing on the pounds... I think the bump is obviously a baby bump, but maybe not everyone does...
Danny weighed what he normally does... And the nurse checked his blood pressure. It was up higher than normal, meaning it was up to what is considered average.
"That's because you're stressing me out Destiny."
"ME?! Whatever!!"
"She's pregnant, I'm probably the one that stresses her out...." No, these appointments stress me out...
"YOU'RE PREGNANT?!?! When are you due??"
"July 25th."
"JULY? Are you kidding me?? You're TINY!!" Tiny? Seriously? No... I'm not tiny...
"Tiny? This is huge for me!"
"Oh that's right, because you were so tiny before! But I'm sure you are going to be all baby! You won't even be able to tell you're pregnant from behind!"
We chatted a bit more about the pregnancy, and how rough it was at the beginning. We didn't mention the IVF. For a few brief moments I got to pretend that this is just a normal pregnancy.

Eventually she left, after touching my shoulder and congratulating us again. Seeing the compassion in her eyes was touching. I just wish it had helped ease my worries... Unfortunately, it didn't... I was still SERIOUSLY STRESSING about what Dr J would say when he came in....

We waited a while, longer than usual actually... Before Dr J finally made his way in... He had a big smile on his face! That's good, right? That means the results are good?
"SO!! A baby huh?" Ahhh, she told him...
"Yep!"
"And when are you due?"
"July 25th..."
"Ohhh how exciting!! It's going to be so amazing for you two! My only grandchild... even though I have 5 kids... just turned one. Things have really changed! I get updates about every 10 minutes, with a new picture of him, on my iPhone." HA!! I bet he's a wonderful grandpa!
*kick kick squirm kick* Little miss was kicking really hard... right on my bladder. Danny saw my face...
"You gonna be okay?" Always so concerned...
"Yeah, she's just going crazy in there..."
"She? So it's a girl?" *kick kick*
"Oh! Yes! A girl is in there!"

Eventually the conversation went to Danny... Or on his lab results. All was well. As usual.
"Okay Daniel, so your last colonoscopy was November 2011?" That's right...
"Ummm...." He looked at me.
"Yes, that's right."
"Okay well, the plans for colonoscopies for colon cancer patients differ slightly from those of rectal cancer patients. Since your cancer was so low in your sigmoid colon, I think we should follow the guidelines for the rectal patients. I want you to have one more before I see you for your last appointment. Right now you've got two appointments left. One in 6 months and one in a year. So, at your next appointment we will set up your scope with Dr H. So I'll have those results to go over at your very last appointment." YEA for one more colonoscopy!! I'm so glad he wants another one! I didn't think Danny would have one for another couple years unless we requested it... And OH. MY. GOOD. LORD. Only two more appointments left here. TWO MORE. For ever. Two more. One more year. OH THANK YOU LORD!!!!!

Dr J made his way over to Danny on the table to listen to his breathing, to feel around on his lymph nodes and then his scars...
And suddenly I forgot to breathe... Since August it's always been ME up on the tables getting examed, getting poked, prodded, stabbed, jabbed... But before August, for 4 entire years, it was him... I forgot what it looked like for him to be in that position. Or rather, I forgot how it made me feel. Knowing everything was fine was one thing... Seeing him up there, wishing he didn't have to do ANY of this. Wishing SO BAD that I could just take his place and he could sit in the chair and be the strong one.... It just hurts. Danny is FINE and it still hurts to see him on that table...

And then it hit me again, we've come so far... Four years ago, sitting here, our main focus was just KEEPING DANNY ALIVE. Yeah, we postponed treatment in order to have the "swimmer surgery." But we only had that surgery because Dr J allowed it. Because Dr J and Dr H both recommended Dr G. We are expecting this amazing baby girl thanks to so many people. But this baby girl and Faith have a Daddy that will be around for many years thanks to Dr H, Dr J and God. I don't think I ever imagined I'd be sitting in this office, knowing Danny is healthy, and feeling our daughter kick to the sound of both Danny's and Dr J's voices. And boy was she loving their voices. I'm sure it's far fetched to think she knows how much we owe Dr J... But she doesn't react like that to anyone's voice besides her Daddy's. So that says something. <3

I snapped out of my thoughts in time to hear Danny and Dr J talking about the Shockers and basketball.... And then we left. We walked out of that office knowing that my husband is still healthy. The cancer is still gone. And that we're almost done with that place forever.

I'm so thankful for all the amazing people at the cancer center. But really, I don't ever want to HAVE to see them again. Two appointments to go. Two. Two. Two. TWO!!!! I'm doing a happy dance here, on my side of the screen. Because frankly, it's better than crying.

So many things have changed...

We are so blessed...

And I didn't know I could be more thankful than I already was... but with every good appointment my gratitude grows.  <3 <3 <3