Why is everything always a fight...

Oh hey! I'm back again! It took longer to get back to the computer than I expected. Busy days turn into busy weeks and all that... I'm elbow deep in planning Ryssa's FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY next week! I cannot believe our precious miracle baby is about to turn one!!

Now... back to our latest journey.

I left off with us home from the hospital finally, and taking Ryssa's 2 month cupcake picture! The next week we met with Dr J, as we would normally have regardless of the blockage. It was "that time" of the year after all. We had dropped off the scans well before the appointment, and expected to hear his opinion on what they showed... And we did.
We went to one of our normal rooms, but when Dr J finally came in, he escorted us out of that room... down the hallway... into his office. He gave Danny his big leather chair. I stood beside him. Dr J crouched down next to his computer screen and scrolled through.... Danny's CT scan?? He pointed things out. Here and there, this is this, that is that.
"That spot there? That's basically air. There's no real solid tumors here that I can see... I really don't believe that this... thing... is cancer. It's probably just irritation. Or nothing at all. Your cancer doesn't typically spread to this area in particular anyway..." blah blah blah.
Probably not cancer? Well, surely if Dr H doesn't think it's cancer, and neither does Dr J, then it's not. It can't be. These two doctors are amazing, they have been right every time. They've got to be right this time... They've got to....
We went back to our normal room and went through Danny's normal physical exam and went over all the normal questions.
"So, you've had the baby! How old is the little one?"
"She's two months. She's amazing."
I showed him a picture. And we chatted about how technology is amazing and how he loves getting pictures of his grandchildren.
As we were walking out, we stopped with his scheduler and scheduled a biopsy for the following week.

Fast forward that week, and you'll bypass all the confusion we had over some other doc doing the biopsy and not Dr H like we'd thought.

We showed up to the hospital for the CT guided biopsy. The nurse who was checking us in just added to the confusion. Words were thrown around like liver biopsy. Liver? What?? What does this have to do with the liver? It's just a lymph node.. Isn't it??

We were on edge, Danny was grumpy over the confusion. We didn't understand what was going on... We felt very much in the dark. Not how we like to be. We were told that Danny couldn't go to work after the biopsy. That was news. Can you tell why we were aggravated?
They eventually took Danny back for the CT/biopsy. I waited in a room with a TV and a crossword puzzle. But my eyes were scrolling through the internet, reading about the duodenum and liver and colon cancer spreading there...
"Mrs Crabb?" Oh gosh, please tell me some sort of good news... Please...
"That's me."
"We're all done with Daniel. The tumor isn't fluid, like we'd all thought. I tried to pull out liquid with the syringe, nothing came out. So we went in and pulled out a regular biopsy. It's mucous. What we'd expect with a mucoso-blahblahblah." A what? Okay... What does that mean? It's not just fluid... so what is it? OH NO.
"He'll be awake soon and a nurse will come get you when he does..."
"Thanks."
Back to the phone, back to google. Back to searching and searching, and now adding in mucoso-something to my search....


We expected results soon, but they didn't come soon enough. It got to the point that we were calling and calling and calling with no return calls. It then got to the point that we just assumed that no news was good news. Or, I did, anyway...
We got back into "normal" life. Get up, take Rys to the sitter, go to work, pick Rys up from the sitter, come home, Danny would meet us outside and carry Ryssa inside...
And one day, everything changed... I took Rys, went to work, went and got her... And headed home.
I pulled into the driveway, got my bag and Ryssa's bag, and got out of the car. I looked up expecting to see Danny coming out, as he always does, to get Rys. And there he was.
Something is wrong. Something is so very very wrong. Oh my God. Stand up Destiny, your knees are buckling.
"What? What is it?"
Danny's face crumpled. And I died a little inside.
"It's bad, Destiny." No, no no no no no. Please no, God, why? WHY?
"What?! It's back? It's cancer??"
I know I was getting hysterical...
"We'll talk inside, let's get Ryssa inside." Yeah, we need to get inside. Oh my gosh, no. This isn't real. This isn't real life. 
And so we went inside.

Danny finally got a call back on his way home from work that day. The nurse told him the biopsy results. "Positive for liver cancer," were her exact words. Liver cancer? How does he beat colon cancer and then get liver cancer? How does that make any sense?
Danny asked me to please not google it, because he already did... and it wasn't good. In fact, it was terrible.


I found myself questioning everything. Why couldn't we just enjoy happy times? We couldn't enjoy being newlyweds without cancer messing that up. And now we couldn't enjoy a new baby because of cancer again... Was God punishing us for bringing a baby into the world, when we had to use science to get her? Was that the trade? You can have a baby but you'll lose your husband? How is that fair? Why us? Why can't we just be normal and have a baby and enjoy life and maybe plan on our future... Instead of always fighting for life. Fighting for my husband to live, fighting to bring a new life into this world, and now fighting for my husband to live again. WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS A FIGHT.


I called my mom that night, Danny's mom came over. We all cried a lot that night. I sent a few texts out to friends because everyone knew we were expecting the results any time. The responses we received were all meant to comfort us, but all they did for me was bring more tears.





That's all for today. I'm going to keep writing though, and you can expect another post tomorrow!