What makes a mother

This post is going to be a quick one.... But it's a little different. If you're a crier, well, grab your tissues. I don't think anything I say will make you cry, but the poem at the end... yeah... I sat at work bawling yesterday when I read it. Note to self: When Kristy sends you an email with the subject like "You might cry" just don't open it... at least not while at work!

I don't think I need to remind anyone (although I haven't talked about it much on here) that we were originally pregnant with twins. A and B. Thing 1 and Thing 2. Both with heartbeats. Both looked the exact same but were just different sizes. One was big, one was small. But both had heartbeats. I SAW THOSE HEARTBEATS. Both of them.
I told myself going into that sonogram that day that there was probably only one embryo that stuck, based on my numbers... And that I was okay with that if that was the case. It meant the other just wasn't meant to be...

And then my uterus popped up on that screen... And there were two of everything. Two beautiful little... well, blobs.... Two beautiful little LIVES growing right there in front of my eyes, with heartbeats! I could HEAR the doctor saying that the smaller baby probably wouldn't make it. "This one probably won't be viable." Won't be viable? It's viable. It's right there. That baby is alive right now.... That's all I could think...

I prayed and prayed.... I prayed to God, I told Him that I trusted that He was with us and He knew what He was doing. Whatever the outcome... I handed it over to God. And it was the hardest thing to do. I did everything I could to keep my body in the best shape as possible. I didn't make a single decision without thinking about our BABIES. Because there were two. And their well being comes first....

Going into the next sonogram, I wasn't sure what I'd see. But I WANTED my doctor to be wrong. I wanted to prove that a smaller baby didn't mean he or she wouldn't make it. But, alas, that's not how it played out. That wasn't God's plan. I KNOW that God has our best interests in mind. I know how hard this singleton pregnancy has been on me, and if we had to times that by two? Well, there's no telling what kind of shape I'd be in...

I'm ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC that we have this little one right now, in my belly, and that she's so active and healthy... And that makes it even harder to grieve the loss of Baby B. Since the day we found out that he or she was gone, I felt like I couldn't voice how upset I was to anyone. I was thankful for Baby A, of course. But I also was grieving the loss of her brother or sister. The twin she'd never know. That we'd never know. Not until we get to Heaven anyway....

Finding out our amazingly wonderful daughter was in fact, a daughter, was a wonderful day... And then there was that thought bubble that pops up at random times through out the day "I wonder if Baby B was a boy or girl... I wonder what we'd be doing with the nursery if they had both made it...."

And that's the thing... I think about Baby A constantly. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about Baby B, every day. Every single day. During the day he or she pops up into my mind at random times, but any time I pray, well he or she is a main part of my prayers. That he or she is watching over his sisters. That he or she is happy up there with our loved ones we've lost.... That my Uncle Ray is teaching him or her to be as ornery as he was....


So that's where I am on a daily... And I have a hard time connecting with some people who have had miscarriages because I feel like they have it worse than me. I lost a baby, yes... But at the exact same time, one baby was still growing and thriving. That's not fair to them, is it? To grieve as much as they do? And then there are the people who have experienced multiple losses. My heart absolutely aches for them. I don't know how they get through the days sometimes. Really, I don't.
One thing I think that is obvious though, is that my friends rock. My friends who have gone through so much, too... They never make me feel like my emotions and feelings aren't justified. They've NEVER made me feel like I'm not allowed to grieve, or that my loss is less than theirs. They are supportive of me just as I am of them. I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for, and I thank God for them daily as well!!!



So... Now on to the wonderful poem that touched my heart yesterday. A poem I think anyone who has lost a baby should read (a baby at any age, I might add)...


I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard Him say.

“A Mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby’s not with you?”

“Yes, you can,” He replied
With confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.”

“I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

“I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
With all the other children and say…

‘We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here.’

“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
it’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!”