Survivor's Guilt?

Not something you typically hear in regards to pregnancy... unless you're active in the infertility world, that is.

Survivor's Guilt... Why did I get blessed and not ____? Why couldn't ____ have success, too? Why do any of us have to go through this?

I've written and rewritten this blog post so many times. I start it, I delete it. I restart it. And again, backspace. I've been honest with my blogs, to the point of "too much information." So I'm not going to pretend like I don't feel what so many infertility survivors do. I am BEYOND ECSTATIC to be pregnant. I love hearing my little baby's heartbeat. I can't wait to see the little guy or girl again. The love I feel for this baby can't even be described.
And at the same time, I can't help but wonder why so many of my friends don't get to be on this side of the journey, too. What made us so lucky? I don't have an answer. I don't know if some of the people who are infertile will ever have kids. I don't know if everyone will eventually get answers. What do I know? I know that I will support my friends 100%. They're trying to raise money? Let me help. Need some advice? I'll tell them everything I know. They just need to vent? I'm ALL ears. I just hope that I can help others somehow, and that they can feel the support that I've felt this entire time.

Support that I still feel today. My friends that are infertile? They are excited for me, too. They love this baby, too. Just like those that AREN'T on this journey. And I couldn't be more thankful. They ask how I'm doing, and they are okay with hearing the truth. They know any complaints I have about this pregnancy don't change the fact that I am SO BEYOND GRATEFUL to be in this position. And they know that if I could, I would snap my fingers and they'd be on "this side" of the bridge.

So, to all of my wonderful friends who know firsthand just how awful infertility is... Thank you. Thank you for still supporting me. For not making me feel guilty. For loving this baby, too. And for so much more. Thank you. I'm in your corner, cheering you on. And I will be here until you bring a baby home and even after. <3

On that note... There are two active fundraisers for some friends of mine that I'd like to share with you all. One is shirt sales to help with adoption fees. The other is a Scentsy/Grace Adele/Velata fundraiser for another friend who is saving up for IVF. If you can help and would like to, here are the links!
http://www.adoptionbug.com/babybarber/
Tracie's blog - http://operationbabybarber.blogspot.com/

http://www.facebook.com/#!/events/464780733577111/
And Kelsey's blog - http://kelseyeli.blogspot.com/



And now for my update on the pregnancy...
I MADE IT TO THE SECOND TRIMESTER!!!!!! WHOOP WHOOP!! I never thought I'd be so happy. Why am I happy? I've been mostly nausea free for the last 4 days. I've had one pregnancy headache that put my to bed at 6:30 at night... That stunk. But I've been able to brush my teeth without gagging and then throwing up. I've been able to eat!!!! I still get tired, but I should probably just get used to that. One thing that's been going on since I began the progesterone injections is a pretty awful pain in my lower back towards the left of my spine. I don't know what it is, but that's when it started. I've been off of those injections for a month and there are days when every time I move I get the shooting pain. Hmm... Maybe something I should bring up at my appointment next week. Or just deal with it?

So, can you tell I'm excited to be in the second trimester? I've tried SO SO hard to not complain about how I've been feeling. But if someone asked? Well, I'm not going to lie. First trimester put me through the ringer, and I spent a lot of time wondering if it would be like that throughout the entire pregnancy. I didn't understand how people could honestly say they'd never felt better than they did while pregnant. Really, I still don't get that. The immense LOVE I feel is basically bursting from me and is an amazing feeling... But, I will say I've obviously felt better physically. So. I guess I'm just not going to be one of "those" ladies, and hey, that's okay. We're bringing a life into this world, and I'm the one responsible for that baby right now. I can handle feeling like crap for months on end. But I am on cloud 9 now that I'm feeling better :)

So ummm.... do you want a bump pic?? :)

Here you go!! I will post again next week after my 15 week OB appointment, we will schedule our anatomy scan then!! EEK!! :)

Bye bye 2012!

A year ago today, I was trying to figure out what to name my blog that I planned on starting on January 1st...

A year ago today I never thought we'd raise enough money to do IVF within a year. I figured it would take a couple years...

A year ago today I never imagined this blog would blow up the way it did. With views all over the world.



A year ago today I never EVER EVER EVER EVER would've imagined I would be sitting here today, 10 weeks and 4 days pregnant!!!! I'm almost through the first trimester! This morning I listened to the heartbeat again on the Doppler. Baby Crabb is so much easier to find this week than last week! I barely have to push down on the probe at all, and I always know Baby is right by the maternal artery thing-y that is super loud.


I had my second OB appointment last week, and I actually got to see my Doc, Dr C. She is AMAZING. She asked how Danny is doing... Meaning she remembered our story even though I hadn't seen her in 6 months and THAT appointment was my first ever with her.
She asked how the IVF went, and how bad the OHSS was.

Dr C commiserated with me about how awful she felt during ALL of her pregnancies (and she had boys and girls). And told me she hoped I continued to feel better and better. Over the last week I definitely have!

Dr C also found Baby's heartbeat right away with her Doppler. She said if she couldn't find it, they'd do a quick sono (which I think she was hoping for). But Baby was very cooperative.

The anatomy scan will be at 18 weeks!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!!


So now comes the time when we fret over the names we've had picked out for ages. Yes, we've had names picked out. And NO, people's opinion on those names DO NOT MATTER TO US. We aren't changing the names we have picked out. They were picked out after much thought and consideration, and this child is ours. We will get the blame if Baby hates their name. So therefore WE get to choose it.

Meanwhile Danny is fretting over the bedroom. The bedroom? Yeah, I haven't spent too much time thinking about it. I have the designs in my head, of course. I have for months. But the action of getting it all done? HA! I will start thinking about that in March or so, when we find out which design we will need to go with ;)

So that's where we are, currently. I'm starting to feel better, slowly but surely. Although I do tend to get full on a lot less food than I'm used to... Probably because I haven't been able to eat much for ages so my stomach has shrunk. Who knows. Unfortunately my weight loss is showing. People are starting to point out that I look thinner. The fertility meds did cause months of bloating, so I actually feel like I look more like MYSELF than I have in ages. I guess it looks more drastic to others. The second trimester is coming up though, so I know that will soon change!!!

Tomorrow is my "Blogiversary." Hopefully I'll have time to make a quick post then!!!

Thank you all, SO SO much, for following our story throughout the past year. Thank you for supporting us, in EVERY way. And THANK YOU for helping us raise the money we needed to make our dream come true! We are where we are today THANKS TO YOU ALL!!!! We'll never be able to thank you enough!!!

Merry Christmas.... A day late!

I hope everyone had a Very Merry Christmas!! I know I did :)
Really, how could I not? I'm rocking a little baby bump (which is more of a bloat bump, but whatever!)... We are pregnant and that's the best Christmas present I ever could've asked for, EVER!!!

Since my last post about the twins, we've had another ultrasound which showed that sadly, Baby B stopped growing. The doctor had warned us that's what he thought would happen so we were prepared for the worst. Yes, we are sad that we lost a baby. Especially after seeing that heartbeat! BUT, I still believe everything happens for a reason. Every. Single. Thing. The RE said a singleton pregnancy is SO much safer for me and baby. Which I already knew of course. And the fact that Baby B stopped growing means there was probably an issue. I'm happy that the baby didn't continue growing only to suffer later on.

At that ultrasound we got to HEAR Baby A's heartbeat. It was THE most amazing sound in the world! My jaw dropped, and I looked over at Danny (who had a great view of the u/s screen) and he had the biggest grin on his face... Bigger than I've ever seen I think!
Nurse Connie whipped her head around and said "Whoa, that's a strong heart beat!" Of course it is! That baby is a fighter! Not to mention that tiny heart was beating at an amazing 169 beats per minute!

Dr H told me that we don't have to come back until we want another. HA! We will see about that. He also asked that we please keep them updated, AND SEND PICTURES. You could tell in his face that he LOVES making dreams come true and helping people like us bring babies into this world! Connie asked that I PLEASE update her on EVERYTHING and to keep emailing her. She and Danny joked back and forth a bit, and then we were on our way. With the sad news of one less baby, but with a beautiful picture of Fighter Baby.

The next day I had my first OB appointment, where I didn't even see my OB, just a nurse. The experience was... less than I had hoped for. I don't even feel like sharing the whole thing because nothing made me happy at all (except that the Lab lady is good at drawing blood and didn't bruise me).

I have another OB appointment TOMORROW, when I WILL see my OB. Hopefully this appointment will go better!


After hearing the heartbeat at Dr H's, I knew I needed to order a Doppler. Most people can't find a heartbeat that early on a Doppler, and I knew that would probably be me, but I wanted to have it so when I COULD hear it, I could listen any time I want. Danny's dad had dropped off our Christmas gifts early and I spent that money on the Sonoline B Doppler (from Fetaldoppler.net).

The Doppler shipped FAST and it came before I was expecting it. Of course I ripped open the box, squirted the (freezing cold) gel on my abdomen, and started moving the probe around... listening... There were lots of heart-beat-y-type noises in there!! Danny came out of the  bedroom with a smile on his face, until I told him those heart beats were ME. So then he tried moving it around on my abdomen, pushing harder than I was. Nothing. All we could pick up was me. I assumed Baby was just behind my pelvic bone, and cleaned up and packed the Doppler up. I decided I'd try again in a few days or a week, after watching more youtube videos with tips.

A few days or a week turned into the next night. I was just determined! I wanted Faith to be able to hear it when she came over on Christmas, and I'm just not a patient person! I watched two more videos, with good tips, and tried again. Danny was off watching a hockey game so the house was completely silent. I spent quite a bit of time moving the probe slowly and listening hard... AND I FOUND IT!! Twice!!!! The amazing heartbeat was 165 both times! It would be a while before Danny would be home, so I packed up the Doppler and started wrapping presents (I really procrastinated this year with wrapping, for the first AND LAST time ever).

The next day was Christmas Eve, and Danny had to work. I went to my mom's and baked some cookies, and we went and got some groceries. When I finally made it home, I whipped the Doppler out again. I found the heartbeat IMMEDIATELY! I'm getting good ;) Danny walked in and I asked if he wanted to listen, which he did, duh. So I let him hear the amazing sound... That day the heart beat was in the 150's.

Christmas Eve and Christmas day seemed to really FLY by. We were playing Scattegories at my parents' house last night when someone named "heating pad" with things that start with H... And I realized we were TWO HOURS LATE on my shot! The shot that has to be taken with 26 hours of the last. We have always done the shot within 24 hours. So I FREAKED OUT. Threw my boots on, gathered up all of Faith's gifts, and we ran out the door (and dang it, I had a double pointer on that list!). We made it home and rushed the shot. My last one will be Thursday and let me tell you HOW EXCITED I am to not have any more shots! They are painful for one, and I am SO SICK of always having to be home at 5:00, no matter what. It really is annoying!

After my shot and after Faith and Danny were settled in playing games and what-not, I decided I was going to try the Doppler for Faith to hear... Baby was NOT cooperating, but I managed to catch him (yes, gut feeling says HIM) for a few sweet seconds. Faith's face was PRICELESS, and she then squealed "That's so cute!!!" Ha!! I cleaned up and told her we could keep trying and over time it would get easier and easier. She's excited :) She told me "I will be happy with a brother or sister, but I would be SO SO SO happy if it IS a brother." This, from the girl who wrote "a brother" on her school paper that asked her what she wants most in the world. She is the sweetest.


So. There is the update of the past couple of weeks! Now on to how I'm doing...

I already voiced how sick I am of these shots! I'm starting to bleed more and more with them, because there just aren't any places left that aren't bruised or sore. It's a pain in my rear... literally!

My morning sickness has basically left the building (and yes I'm knocking on wood now). It's still a little early for it to be because it has just passed. It started easing up around the day we seen that Baby B was gone (there is still a gestational sac and yolk sac in there, but no baby, so the hormone being produced by the sac was a lot less than what was being produced by the baby, and the sac should vanish any time now). So I truly believe the only reason I had it that bad was because I had twice the hormone racing through my body.

The fact that my sickness is basically gone now that there's only one makes me think BOY BOY BOY.

My "cravings" also point to BOY BOY BOY. Sweets, which I normally eat daily (multiple times a day), taste very BLEH to me. Ice cream included. Yes, ice cream which I LOVE AND NEED ALL THE TIME is not something I want anymore. I haven't had it in... two weeks or so. I did have a strawberry shake a few nights ago because I was hot and needed something cold and kind of heavy so I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night hungry... And EWW. I drank it, eventually... But it took a long time and it just didn't taste good. Anything sweet just tastes OFF....
What DO I want? CHEESE. Mac and cheese. Chili cheese dogs. Nachos. CHEESE. Pieces of cheese. Have I mentioned CHEESE?! I also crave potatoes.... Baked, with lots of butter and shredded CHEESE. Also, french fries. Lots and LOTS of french fries. Mmmm and SALTY!!!

My bloat started out very high (and huge) thanks to the OHSS bloat. I'm still bloated and all that goodness, but the bump has dropped CONSIDERABLY. Right where my pants button... Which is why I have zero jeans that will button (and only one pair that even feels comfortable, and that's thanks to the rubber band trick).


Many people are saying that a high heartbeat means girls... But from all of my research (before we even heard the heartbeat) I read that in the first 10-12 weeks, boys and girls are both about the same. The heart forms at around 6 weeks, and it starts slow. Then a couple weeks later it really speeds up because EVERYTHING is forming, EVERY SINGLE THING. That heart has to pump blood everywhere so everything can get going! Then around 10-12 weeks, boys' heart rates start to slow down (for SOME), while girls' stay high (again, FOR SOME). There are always exceptions to the rule. I was, for one. The nurse told my mom I was a boy for sure (because of my heart rate, not because of an ultrasound lol), but she knew my heart rate was very different from my brothers'. My brothers all had the typical heart rate of girls (haha!!). So my mom knew from experience that I was different from my brothers early on.
Now let's look at Baby's heart rates...
At 6 weeks 6 days = 126
At 8 weeks 6 days = 169
At 9 weeks 3 days = 165 (if the Doppler was accurate)
At 9 weeks 4 days = 153 (if the Doppler was accurate)
We picked up Baby's heartbeat last night, like I said, but Baby was so far back that I couldn't get it loud enough for the number to be picked up.
So there you go, you can see how the heart beat started out low, shortly after forming, and then jumping up when the rest of the body started really forming, and now is slowly coming back down. Down? Oh yeah, another BOY indication ;) I talked to one of our wonderful friends who recently had a boy. She had an ultrasound when her baby was 9 weeks 3 days, and it showed a heart rate at 168. Right along the line of our Baby. Did I mention she had a boy?? ;)

So there you have it. There is every update you could possibly want... Oh... Do you want to see the pic of Baby Crabb?! :)

There's our baby!!! The head is on the right, and the body is on the left. You can sort of make out the arms and legs... Danny had to point it out to me (he had the good view during the sonogram when Dr H was pointing everything out), but now I see it very easily :)

This amazing little baby is so loved already! And is even getting gifts!! Aunt Danielle, Uncle Ryan and baby Presley (okay, she's not a baby anymore) got Baby some ADORABLE little booty shoes with CRABS ON THEM!!! They are so stinkin' cute!! And we are meeting up with our friends that recently had a little boy for dinner this weekend, and they have a little gift for Baby, too.

There are days when I really just can't believe I'm pregnant. Unless I'm feeling sick (which is less and less often), I just don't feel any different. Maybe that's why I use the Doppler so much... Because I need that reassurance that this isn't all a dream. This is REAL LIFE. And there's a baby in me!!! :)





Big big big big news!!

I feel like I've waited a really long time to make this post, although really we've only known for a couple of very short weeks...

But....

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!

We started tested at home (okay, technically I started testing at home) on Tuesday Nov 13th. Thirteen is kind of a lucky number for us, and it was 7 days after the 5 day transfer, so I knew that whatever showed up on the test would most likely be right... And we saw the faintest second line that I thought possible. Frankly, it scared me. I expected something darker. Google was definitely not my friend. I just hoped that on Wednesday the line would be darker...

It was...

Thursday it was darker still, about as dark as the control line as a matter of fact!!!!

I emailed Connie on Wednesday, when I saw the slightly darker line. She was already feeling positive about the outcome, because starting Sunday/Monday I had the symptoms of the condition we were trying to prevent, OHSS. I should have been "in the clear" long before that... Unless my body started producing HCG. HCG would trigger it. HCG is the pregnancy hormone. And low and behold, the same thing that was causing that ever-darkening second line... was also what was causing the EXTREME bloat/extreme pain/and many other problems I don't care to list.

Connie was ecstatic for me, oh, I mean us... Of course! And tried to get me to come in earlier for the blood test. I was okay with waiting though, because the second test would be four days later and the original schedule worked out better for me. She pouted, literally (I LOVE her). And then told me that if she didn't get to draw my blood that I  better find her before I leave so she can give me a hug (have I mentioned I love her?!).

Friday morning we left bright and early, and we made it to my appointment in a good amount of time. My "other" favorite person at the clinic called me back...
"So, have you cheated and tested at home?" That's cheating? Ha!!
"I did... It was positive... I emailed Connie about it and she told me I have to find her before I leave if she's not the one who draws my blood."
"HA! Well I will just go get her and let her do it, otherwise she'll get mad at me for STEALING YOU." HA! I love these ladies!
Connie came in and we chatted for a while about the OHSS symptoms, she measured me (because of the EXTREME BLOAT I mentioned), weighed me... And of course took my blood. She checked with the doc about possibly doing a sonogram on my ovaries and lower abdomen to see how bad the fluid was... The doc said we could wait but if it got ANY worse, action would be taken. Action meaning they'd go in and DRAIN the fluid from me. Eww. No thanks. I know it brings relief. I just really did NOT want to do that.

Over that weekend I seemed to slowly get better. Pain wise anyway. And we went down Tuesday for a follow up blood test. I took another at-home test over the weekend, since I had the one left... And the test line was darker than the control line! Whoop whoop!!
Tuesday I was feeling better than I was a week before, but still not great. Since I was feeling better and not worse, they didn't have to do the sonogram. Feeling better, even slightly, made me nervous though.. Did that mean the HCG was going down? Was I losing the baby(ies)?
I told Connie my fears. She told me I couldn't focus on that sort of thing. I needed to sit back and enjoy being pregnant.

She called that afternoon with my results.
"Okay, so your progesterone from Friday was amazing so we didn't even check that today. Your HCG levels today look great, so we will set up the sonogram for Dec 5 if that works for you?" Ahhh so far away!
"That works for me... So my levels were good today?"
"VERY good." What is very good????? My first number was 183. Four days later, with perfect doubling, would mean I need a number of 732
"How good is very good? I need the number..."
"Ha, well the number is 832!" 832... Oh my gosh. That's more than perfect... WHOA!!
"Oh, WOW...."
"Yeah... So with numbers like that... Could be one, could be two, we'll have to see on the fifth!"
"Okay, I can't wait!!"
"Congratulations AGAIN!!!!"
"Thank you, so much!"

We told some family over the following week. But we made the decision not to announce it until we seen the sonogram. I don't think either of us really felt safe until we seen a heartbeat. Too much could go wrong. Too much still COULD go wrong. It's mostly safe after the first trimester... But we couldn't make you wait that long. We could, however, make you all wait until the sonogram!

I'm sorry we made you wait so long!! And I'm sorry it's been so long since I've blogged. I couldn't bring myself to type out anything without hinting at what has been going on. And we just weren't ready yet....

But obviously we are ready now.... So again I say WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!

My beta numbers seemed high for a singleton but low for twins, so really all I was expecting to see on the ultrasound was one baby....

So imagine my surprise today when the doc said he saw TWO sacs on the sonogram. One is measuring right on time with a heart rate of 126. The other is measuring 6 days behind with a heart rate of 96. Big difference. Doc doesn't think the second will be viable (vanishing twin), but it's all in God's hands now... And we are praying like crazy!! If only one was meant to be, then we will still be amazingly thankful for the one healthy Crabb in there. Now we just sit back and wait... And have faith in Him. Our next sonogram is in two weeks!


Having said all that.. I have one thing to say to EVERYONE that has told me how BLISSFUL pregnancy is and how it was the BEST time of your life...
You all were lucky.
Some books have said IVF pregnancies are different. I don't know if that's the case or what. But I know I have a high pain tolerance and I am still ABSO-FRICKEN-LUTELY miserable. I've already had round ligament pain, which shouldn't start for weeks still. My hips are INSANELY sore. I can't sleep. Nausea when I brush my teeth is one thing, nausea ALL EVENING LONG is another. Progesterone injections don't get any easier, they only get worse. I'm so ready to be done with them! But I know they are important, so I won't result to begging to be taken off of them... And my emotions? HA. Try not to tick me off right now. I get mad and stay mad for DAYS... And no, I don't think that's irrational.
I'm about 7 weeks along, and I still have OHSS bloat. I also evidently have pregnancy bloat. Those two, combined, make me look huge. All the time. I have one pair of jeans that fit... And by fit I mean I can't button them, but I can zip them. That counts for something, right?

I had the naive thought that every day of pregnancy would be marvelous. I thought I'd look super cute (and still perfectly thin) the day we announced to our families that the IVF worked. I thought I'd be glowing.
Instead, most of the time I'm just sweating. And nauseous. And just miserable. I want to lay in bed, but laying in bed is one of the most uncomfortable things I can do. We went to multiple stores over the weekend to find a body pillow, since pregnant women swear by them... Body pillow.. HA. All it did was make me swear all night long. Maybe it'll come in handy later, but right now it's definitely not for me.

And you know, no matter how bad each day seems to SUCK... I am still so thankful. I'm thankful that I'm feeling what I'm feeling, because it means things are happening and going well. I'm thankful for the opportunity to even be in this position, because so many aren't so lucky...
And I'm constantly praying for our little babies. Praying for a healthy pregnancy, praying that they are happy and healthy, and thriving. And that all of that continues on.



And to say thank you to all of you, here is A PICTURE

Embryo Transfer!!!

This could be one of my favorite posts to date! All about our embryo transfer!!!

After the egg retrieval I got updates, or "fert reports" daily (excluding Sunday). We went from 21 eggs to 19 that were mature... Of those 19, 10 fertilized normally and became embryos!! On Saturday Dr H called to tell me that of those 10, they were ALL growing well but EIGHT of them were "VERY good quality." Eight?! EIGHT!!!! That's fabulous and more than I was expecting to get such a high remark. Since we had so many that were in such great shape and there were no clear front runners, we were a go for a 5 day transfer! just what I wanted!!!
I got no update Sunday.
And Monday I got the call from Connie to set up the transfer time. I got all of the instructions and then asked about our embryos...
"So, how do they look today?"
"Well we don't get reports on day 4, because they were in a transitional stage so they can't be rated at that point... But as of yesterday they are all FABULOUS. Like, really REALLY great. You make some awesome embryos!!" Ahhh!!!! YEA!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!
"Yeah, I try..."
Connie and I chatted a bit about how every thing that comes out of her mouth ends up coming true, so I told her to please talk more about great things for us! Ha!


Yesterday was the day of the 5 day transfer! I was so super excited!! I took it easy during the day and tried not to stress. Focusing on having the best possible environment for the embryo(s). Staying stress free is really important from this point on. It's better for the body anyway, but super important for this stage of my cycle....

Heading in to the day, we had gone back and forth on how many we wanted to transfer. One? Two? One??? Two??? Danny left the decision up to me, since it's my body that would be carrying them. I told him I wanted two. He said that's fine. So, I knew he was okay with two. But I wasn't going to make the FINAL decision until we were at the transfer and hearing exactly how those embryos were doing, I just had to know he really was okay with whatever I decided.

Danny and I drove down, eating on the way... and arrived with just a few minutes to spare. I checked in, noticing that the waiting room was completely empty. Connie came out and got us shortly after we arrived. She and I were hangin' crap on Danny as we walked in the back and it really cracked up another of my favorite ladies there. She peeked her head around the corner, waved, and wished us good luck.
We were taken back to the room where the actual egg retrieval was. It's a big sterile room, with so many machines that I wouldn't even begin to understand... And two relaxing beachy pictures on the wall.
Danny got set up in his chair, which he proceeded to WHEEL AROUND THE ENTIRE ROOM looking at anything and everything. Thank goodness he kept his hands to himself!

I got ready and Connie came in to check my bladder.
"So I don't want to steal Dr H's thunder... but... Okay yes I do. Your embryos are SO FANTASTIC!! They really couldn't be more perfect!! Seriously!!" Ohhhhh YEA!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you God!!!
"Really? You're not just saying that???"
"No. If they weren't like this I would just keep quiet and let Dr H let you know how they are. These are fabulous!" Eeeeeek!!! Go embies go!!!!!
She checked my bladder and it was full but hadn't expanded quite enough to tilt my uterus quite enough. She figured it would be expanded by the time the transfer would happen...
She also asked if I would be okay with an OB student coming in to observe the transfer... Why not?

A few minutes later Dr H came in to discuss our little embryos. He said four were very good, and that some others might be good enough tomorrow to freeze! He asked how many we wanted to transfer.
"Two, we want to transfer two."
"Alright. Now I'm going to give you some numbers. This is in NO WAY to persuade you or change your mind. But I have to give you these facts... With your age and the amount of embryos you have with high ratings, that makes you a Gold Standard Patient. So here are all the percentages for our Gold Standard Patients..." He went on to tell us the success rates with one vs two embryos transferred, the percentage of twins, etc. I'm not going to share them here, but they were CRAZY. But, ultimately, I went with my gut.
"Okay. Whoa. Okay, well I'm still okay with two."
"Alright. Here is a picture of the best two. This one is 4a___ _______" He's still talking. What's he saying? Their ratings? Look at these BEAUTIFUL blasts!! These are our embryos!! Our future babies!! They DO look perfect!! Oh I love them so much already!!
I clutched the picture, I didn't care if Danny wanted to hold it or get a better look. It was NOT going to leave my hand.
Dr H pushed around on my belly with the sonogram wand thing, seeing what Connie did with the bladder. And the student commented on my "pretty ovaries." Why, thank you nice student lady!!
Then the transfer began. My bladder still didn't expand enough, but with enough pushing (OUCH), they got the proper view.
"Okay, do you see the bright white on the screen?"
"Yeah, I see it."
"That's the catheter. You can see some movement there right now. This part that you see right now will stay right there. The rest of the catheter will be removed, given to the embryologist so he can load the embryos, and then brought back and put back in. That's when the embryos will be transferred into you." Wow!!!
"Oh, and you'll see the embryologist in here, obviously, for all of that. I'm not sure if you've met him?" Sure haven't... But hey, what difference does yet ANOTHER stranger make. He's the babies' first babysitter after all...
"We haven't met him..."
"We  used to tell people that they might see a strange person come in during this, but I don't think they liked being called strange..." HA!! THAT is funny!!

Right on time, the embryologist came in. We all laughed, quietly, but didn't fill him in on the little joke. He was told to load the two best, and then he disappeared again. I didn't look again, I was so focused on the sono screen.
Before I knew it there was movement on the screen again! I clutched Danny's hand.
"The embryos are too small to be seen on this screen. But you WILL see air bubbles. There should be one before and one after the embryos. This will create a sort of flash on the screen so you'll see it happening." Oh WOW!!!
FLASH... Two air bubbles, with a small amount of space in between them... Right there!!!
"Okay, now Brad will take the catheter to be sure both embryos are out, sometimes they get stuck..." No way could one get stuck, that went too well!!
Dr H walked away to check with Brad.
Connie and the student were whispering...
"Did you see him nod? He never does that. I knew, when he did that, that this was perfect. He never shows any emotion!!"
Dr H came back.
"Okay they are both out of the catheter." He started pushing around on my belly with the sono again, printing some pictures. "That's great...." What? What's great?! He walked off again and Connie and the student started talking again...
"He NEVER says anything about transfers, during or after. He said this was great. He's a perfectionist so he's never happy enough with anything. This went BEYOND perfect, for him to be happy with it! And did you see the air bubbles? They are still close together, and just those two. A lot of times you won't see both, or there will end up being more because of the air bubbles messing up, sometimes they spread out. This is just perfect!" Perfect!! YES!!!!
Dr H came back and finished up and we discussed the pregnancy test date.
"You can test at home, but all that we ask is that if you get a negative, don't stop taking the medication. The home tests just aren't always reliable and we don't want to mess anything up."
"Okay."
"Some couples say they won't test, but we want you to know it's okay to." Ha...
"Well we've already bought some..."
Everyone laughed.
"Okay, well good luck!"

I had to lay for 10 more minutes on the bed, and during this Connie went through all the rules for after the transfer.
"Lots of rest. NO cooking or housework" **points at Danny** "Have someone else do all that. Then after the two days are up, continue to take it easy. No working out. Nothing strenuous." Not. A. Problem.
"Alrighty."
"And, most importantly. If you test at home... YOU BETTER CALL ME OR EMAIL ME!! I want to know asap!!! Don't leave me in the dark here!" Awww, I LOVE HER!!!!
"I will be sure to let you know!"
Connie hugged me, and we had 5 more minutes to lay on the bed and relax...



I couldn't decide if we should tell everyone that we transferred two. We haven't had a lot of privacy through all this, which is fine considering it's thanks to all of YOU that we are even in this position! But I wanted to keep some things between the two of us. I did want our families to know though, so I sent a picture of our embie picture to our moms. They are their future grandbabies after all.
We ended up posting a picture of the embryos last night on Facebook, telling everyone that we transferred two.

We are going to test early, at home. But we won't be sharing those results. We don't know WHEN exactly we will be taking that test. And we would like to keep the results between just the two of us for a bit, just like other couples get to NORMALLY. The blood test IS on a specific day. However, the pregnancy isn't considered official until there are multiple blood tests with the levels doubling appropriately... And really even then it's not OFFICIAL OFFICIAL until there's a heartbeat (or two?).... We don't know when we'll be sharing any results. But please, PLEASE understand our want for a bit of normalcy through all of this. We will keep you all updated as soon as it's safe! Or maybe even before then, we don't know. We want to be the ones to make that decision though.

Now.... Do you want to see our future babies?? I hope they're snuggling comfortably in RIGHT NOW!!!! <3 <3

Egg retrieval!

Hey there everyone!!!
I'm so sorry it's been SO LONG since I posted. Things have been BEYOND crazy lately though.

An update on everything up through last week:

For those of you who are on our Facebook, you know I was in a little bit of trouble. My body was sort of OVERreacting to the stim meds. Basically, my body was putting the eggs/follicles first... And my health last. The docs (and Danny) were NOT happy with this. We tried lowering my doses... didn't work. So then we started what they call "coasting." Which basically means I was off all meds other than Lupron (which prevents ovulation). It took a while for the coasting to work. Three days as a matter of fact, the absolute LONGEST amount of time that Dr H allows anyone to coast.

At one of my last monitoring appointments he apologized, sincerely, for me having to go through all of that nonsense.
"I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this, and having to be monitored every day. In hindsight, I should have started you out at an even lower dose, but I had no way of knowing. I already started you out lower than anyone else...." Ha. Leave it to my body to go berserk with a lower dose than he gives ANYONE.
"It's okay. I'm an overachiever, so of course my ovaries are too."


Fast forward to FINALLY getting the go ahead to "trigger." My egg retrieval appointment was set up, and the hotel reservations for the night before made. We would be staying in OKC on Halloween night.
It was our year with Faith on Halloween so we picked her up from school, got her ready, and went to my parents' house for the usual Halloween festivities. All while Danny was not feeling quite right. Faith went trick or treating. Danny tried to sleep on the couch while he could.
We took Faith to her mom's a little earlier than normal so we could get on the road... And we headed out....

We made it to OKC in good time, checked in to the nice hotel (that we were staying at for FREE thanks to a dear friend <3)... Got to our room.... And Danny proceeded to VOMIT ALL NIGHT LONG. He definitely had the stomach flu! And I didn't want it!!!

The next morning I woke up and got ready for the egg retrieval! I let Danny sleep as long as possible, it was a long night for him after all....

We arrived at the clinic and I was called back to write the check for the anesthesia. Then I went back into the waiting room to wait...
When it was finally time, we were taken back to a different section of the clinic that I'd never been in before. I was prepped and ready to go, when the anesthesiologist came in. This man is supposed to be the best in the state...
We chatted for about 10 seconds about my allergies and what will happen. And then he and Danny started chatting about heating and air and what AC systems are best and how long they last and I was laying there thinking "What the heck?? How did we get here, to this conversation?!" Ha!!

Before long I was wheeled across the hall to the egg retrieval room. Dr H was there, and we went over what would happen. I was attached to a few machines, and then the stirrups were attached to the bed.
"I'll help you get your legs up here." Help? Why would I need help. I can lift my legs....
"Okay..."
"Next we _____"
OUT. LIKE. A. LIGHT.

.........................................

"Blah blah blah" Huh? What are they saying?
"How many eggs?"
"Blah blah blah." What?? Did she say 24? Oooo 24.....
OUT again....
"Blah blah blah..." What are they SAYING?! Did we really get 24 eggs?
"How many eggs? 24?"
"No, 21. Which is great!" Ewww, 21. That's not as many as I thought we'd have. Hopefully they are all mostly mature.
"You already asked about the eggs babe..." Did I really?
"Danny, shush it. I know."
"It's okay, most girls ask way more than twice... And most HUSBANDS don't get to see all of the recovery when you're waking up, Daniel here just got lucky because he's sick!" YEAH DANNY!!!

The rest of recovery went okay. I was crampy so I took some pain meds... Big mistake, they made me so tired and nauseous. And we had to ride all the way home with me feeling like that!!
That night I felt a little better, but the new shots (in the tush) HURT. And then I started feeling wonky again. I just wasn't okay.
I stayed home from the work the next day. It helped, but I still didn't feel normal.

Honestly, it's been almost a week and I STILL don't feel 100%. I've been on so many meds to prevent OHSS and infection and progesterone shots now to help the embryos and it's all just making my body crazy. I rarely even take a regular Tylenol for a headache! My body is probably in some form of shock. BUT, things are looking better these days, so that's okay! <3

He is in charge of Stabby Hour....

Happy Monday!!!

Sorry for the lack of posts last week. The days have been an absolute whirlwind these days!!!!

Quick fundraiser update... There is ONE more going on, and it's the one that was originally just in my group of Brides.com girls. This is now open for EVERYONE until every square is sold. Here is the pic (click on it to make it bigger!) that explains it better than I can!

There aren't many boxes still available (because my Brides girls rock my socks!), but I will post this pic on our Facebook, along with the available numbers. Please COMMENT ON THE PICTURE there, with the numbered box you'd like. Please checks the comments before yours so the number you want isn't already taken! Then Paypal the money ($5/box) to Rena. She is going to take care of all the funds and then give me the profit at the end!!


The cookie fundraiser is all done now I believe, I should probably double check ;)


And now for updates on the IVF process....

Last week I had my baseline appointment, also known as the "suppression check." All was fine and dandy. The sono showed less antral follicles than ever (14 and 10, waaahhh), BUT that just means the Lupron was doing it's job... Suppressing! I hope some more pop up during the stims!

After the baseline appointment I went over to the Blood Institute for my infectious disease testing. OUCH. Seventy-five dollars, five vials of blood and one HUGE BRUISE later (I'll spare you the details), we were done. My mom and I went out for breakfast and followed that up with some shopping... And getting a little lost in OKC. Hey, it isn't a road trip if we don't get lost at least once, right?
Saturday night we started the stim meds. That meant that the Lupron dose dropped from 10 to 5. The stims are Menopur (1 vial, meaning 75 iu) and Follistim (125 iu). That's three shots a night! All in the stomach! OUCH AGAIN. Saturday night we also had a Halloween party to attend (in case you're interested, we were Christian Grey and Anna Steele-Grey). I did NOT feel good. I'd had dizzy spells from the Lupron leading up to Saturday and I was hoping the stims would make those stop. They didn't. Hot flashes continued as well. I just wasn't a happy camper. We ended up leaving pretty early and I was happy to just go to bed!!

Last night we switched up the way we did the injections, trying to find what works best for us. The injections went better than they had the night before but WHEW that Menopur BURNS.


I'll post tomorrow about my appointment I had today. Today's post I really want to talk about my amazing husband....

Through all of these injections, Danny has really been a trooper. He is in charge of Stabby Hour. He is doing all the mixing, measuring and stabbing. All I do is stand there and try to breathe... And then mark off my calendar of course (that's my favorite part!). He is really good at everything, despite never doing any injections before (unless you count being on the receiving end of TONS during cancer surgery/chemo/etc). I couldn't be more proud of him!

The part that makes me the happiest with all of this, is how interested he is in all of it. He asked some questions at the last RE appointment he went with me to. And he's really looking out for me now that injections have started.
Last Wednesday after my appointment I sent him a text telling him how fast it went. His response? "Well, how did it go?" Ohhhh yeah, I guess that's important too. So many guys probably wouldn't care or think to ask. He does. He wanted to make sure everything was still okay.
Saturday night he repeatedly asked how I was doing. He told me, again repeatedly, that it was OKAY to leave early. And made sure I knew that whenever I was ready was fine.
During my hot flashy and dizzy spells during the party, he was right there asking what he could do. I ended up outside for most of the night enjoying the gloriously cool weather. Of course Danny's reaction is "You're not supposed to be around that stuff..." because I was hanging around the cigarette smoke. My caring, loving husband <3 I was outside, not in a closed smokey room, so I knew I was fine. But what caught me off guard with that statement from him, was the fact that I had mentioned that MONTHS ago... about the second hand smoke being bad during IVF, especially during the stims period. I'd read an article on either the RESOLVE or ATTAIN facebook pages out loud to him. Most guys tune out and I half expected him to. Turns out, he didn't. Not only did he listen, he took it to heart. He's looking out for me, so much, even this early on in the process...

Wonder how he'll be once I'm pregnant!! ;)


That's all for today, IT'S ALMOST STABBY HOUR!!! Time to go stand, breathe and go to my happy place!