TWO YEARS?!

Let's get right back to where we left off....




Danny was scheduled for a PET scan and we were scheduled to see the doctor again. We only had to wait about 2 more weeks to get any sort of results/plan/see the doctor. What's two more weeks, right? Just two more weeks of hell is all....

Before we knew it, though, the days had passed. We went to work that day, knowing that by the end of our work day we'd know our course of action. We'd finally have a plan in place to beat this cancer.

We went to lunch together and we headed to Danny's dr appt. PET scan results and a plan of action, that's what we needed.
We checked in with the nurse, Danny got his vitals taken. All the norm.... Until Dr J walked in. He heaved a big sigh.
Well that can't be good.
"Okay you two... First, how are you feeling?" I'm sure he's not doing too great considering that sigh you just gave us... 
"I'm okay, nervous over these results."
"Well, I have the PET scan results here. The good news is it doesn't look to have spread anywhere. The problem is the scan didn't really light up at all. Even where we know the tumor is." But, that's good news, right? It hasn't spread anywhere else... That's GOOD. 
"Okay..."
"Now. I feel like you deserve to know what's going on. You deserve answers." Well, FINALLY.
"Okaaaayyy..."
"This spot... It's not on the liver or in the liver. It would honestly be better if it was either of those things. Instead it's just NEAR the liver. It's recurrent colon cancer. And it's dangerously close to some arteries and veins and ducts. Being that close, there isn't any surgeon here that can go in and get it out. It's too dangerous. So. It's technically inoperable. And that makes it incurable. We could probably control the cancer with chemo for... I'd give it about two years."
Cue my world crumbling down around me.
Two years? TWO YEARS?!?! No. Ryssa and Faith need their dad. Ryssa needs MEMORIES with her Daddy. This can't be. No. Someone will operate. Someone WILL get it out of there. Someone, somewhere. We'll go anywhere. ANY. WHERE. Someone will save him!! I won't take no for an answer.
"Now, I don't know if you guys know, but I am retiring. In a week. So, I'll transfer you to Dr D____. He's very knowledgeable on colon cancer and I have complete confidence in him." Yeah yeah yeah, we knew you were retiring. TWO YEARS? This cannot be happening. 
"I don't talk to my wife about my patients... Ever. But, I have to admit I've talked to her about you this week. You're young, with a young family. A very young baby. I don't want you to settle. I want you to find a surgeon who will figure this out. So, if you're willing... I'd like to send you to MD Anderson in Houston. There is one other option, you'd travel North to ______, but I'd prefer you to go South to Houston, and MD Anderson, for this. I think if anyone will have a surgeon willing to try, it would be there." Done, we're going. Why are you even asking? That's our only option, we're going. Losing isn't an option. Giving up isn't an option. Surgery it is. We'll find someone.
"Alright."
"Is that something you'd be willing to do? Travel to Houston?" YES!!!!! 
"Well, we'll have to figure out how to afford it. But yes. Let's set the appointments up. I want to fight this." There's my husband. There's my fighter. Fighting for his wife and his girls. 

We walked out of that office and stopped at a desk to set up his MD Anderson appointments. A lady said she'd take care of it. Then we had to wait for Danny to get his flu shot. An afterthought, because we had anticipated him going through chemo again.
We sat in the waiting room. And I cried. Quietly, with nose running, I cried. A lady a few seats over handed me a Kleenex. And I cried some more. Danny's pager went off and he went to get his shot. And I cried some more. And then I felt a sense of urgency.
We have to get to Houston. We have to. We have to find someone that will save him. How can I help make this happen? 
And then I remembered a friend who helped us raise funds for IVF had offered to have another QM for us. I sent her a message. I didn't explain in detail, just that we'd have to travel and we'd take the help she offered.

Danny was done and we left. His mom had Ryssa that day, and I knew I couldn't go back to work and actually work. So, I decided to go back to work, get my stuff, and then head to Vickie's. Danny was going to head back to work, explain the situation, and meet me there.

I walked into work, grabbed my stuff and my pump... And ran into my mom. She could read my face all too well, as moms do. And I told her what we were told.
She hugged me.
And she told me that we'd figure this out. We'd get to Houston, somehow. And I believed her. As daughters do.


Then I had to head to get my baby. From my mother in law. I knew I was going to beat Danny there. And what in the world was I supposed to tell her in those minutes while we waited for him to show up? A mom isn't willing to wait on news of her son. So. I told her. I held Ryssa, and I told her what we were told. And somehow, I held it together.
Together we made a plan. She agreed to go to Houston with us, to take care of Rys during Danny's appointments. Rys had to come since she nursed and we couldn't leave her for a week, we just couldn't. Just knowing someone could go and help with her, one less stress and worry taken form me, was enough of a release that I felt like I had some semblance of control again. That there was hope. Hope is what we rely on, every day, it seems.
Danny finally got there, from work. And we talked some more. Went over what the doctor had said. What MD Anderson was. How long of a trip it would be. How much driving it would take, if we should drive, or fly. What was cheapest. What our options were. All the while my phone was absolutely exploding with texts since I'd sent out just a few to update people.
Faith's mom was one of the first to get updated, and we were sure to tell her NOT to say a WORD to Faith. She had been unaware of the cancer, and we wanted to keep her that way. We were NOT going to tell her that the doctors were giving us two years. We were NOT going to tell her that no surgeon here would be willing to try to save him. We were going to tell her GOOD news, once we got it. AFTER our trip to Houston, we'd tell her. And we'd tell her that they WOULD cure him.
And one of my best friends was asking questions, asking permission to share our story on a separate page, website thing, in order to  help us get to Houston.



We had a plan, things were falling into place. We were just back to the waiting game. Waiting for MD Anderson to get back with us to set up the appointments, then I could book our rooms. We could decide on the route to drive, make plans to see loved ones on the way there and back. I was making lists for things to pack. Because when a planner has no control over the big picture, they embrace what they do have control over. That's what I did.





More to come next week, I promise!

Why is everything always a fight...

Oh hey! I'm back again! It took longer to get back to the computer than I expected. Busy days turn into busy weeks and all that... I'm elbow deep in planning Ryssa's FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY next week! I cannot believe our precious miracle baby is about to turn one!!

Now... back to our latest journey.

I left off with us home from the hospital finally, and taking Ryssa's 2 month cupcake picture! The next week we met with Dr J, as we would normally have regardless of the blockage. It was "that time" of the year after all. We had dropped off the scans well before the appointment, and expected to hear his opinion on what they showed... And we did.
We went to one of our normal rooms, but when Dr J finally came in, he escorted us out of that room... down the hallway... into his office. He gave Danny his big leather chair. I stood beside him. Dr J crouched down next to his computer screen and scrolled through.... Danny's CT scan?? He pointed things out. Here and there, this is this, that is that.
"That spot there? That's basically air. There's no real solid tumors here that I can see... I really don't believe that this... thing... is cancer. It's probably just irritation. Or nothing at all. Your cancer doesn't typically spread to this area in particular anyway..." blah blah blah.
Probably not cancer? Well, surely if Dr H doesn't think it's cancer, and neither does Dr J, then it's not. It can't be. These two doctors are amazing, they have been right every time. They've got to be right this time... They've got to....
We went back to our normal room and went through Danny's normal physical exam and went over all the normal questions.
"So, you've had the baby! How old is the little one?"
"She's two months. She's amazing."
I showed him a picture. And we chatted about how technology is amazing and how he loves getting pictures of his grandchildren.
As we were walking out, we stopped with his scheduler and scheduled a biopsy for the following week.

Fast forward that week, and you'll bypass all the confusion we had over some other doc doing the biopsy and not Dr H like we'd thought.

We showed up to the hospital for the CT guided biopsy. The nurse who was checking us in just added to the confusion. Words were thrown around like liver biopsy. Liver? What?? What does this have to do with the liver? It's just a lymph node.. Isn't it??

We were on edge, Danny was grumpy over the confusion. We didn't understand what was going on... We felt very much in the dark. Not how we like to be. We were told that Danny couldn't go to work after the biopsy. That was news. Can you tell why we were aggravated?
They eventually took Danny back for the CT/biopsy. I waited in a room with a TV and a crossword puzzle. But my eyes were scrolling through the internet, reading about the duodenum and liver and colon cancer spreading there...
"Mrs Crabb?" Oh gosh, please tell me some sort of good news... Please...
"That's me."
"We're all done with Daniel. The tumor isn't fluid, like we'd all thought. I tried to pull out liquid with the syringe, nothing came out. So we went in and pulled out a regular biopsy. It's mucous. What we'd expect with a mucoso-blahblahblah." A what? Okay... What does that mean? It's not just fluid... so what is it? OH NO.
"He'll be awake soon and a nurse will come get you when he does..."
"Thanks."
Back to the phone, back to google. Back to searching and searching, and now adding in mucoso-something to my search....


We expected results soon, but they didn't come soon enough. It got to the point that we were calling and calling and calling with no return calls. It then got to the point that we just assumed that no news was good news. Or, I did, anyway...
We got back into "normal" life. Get up, take Rys to the sitter, go to work, pick Rys up from the sitter, come home, Danny would meet us outside and carry Ryssa inside...
And one day, everything changed... I took Rys, went to work, went and got her... And headed home.
I pulled into the driveway, got my bag and Ryssa's bag, and got out of the car. I looked up expecting to see Danny coming out, as he always does, to get Rys. And there he was.
Something is wrong. Something is so very very wrong. Oh my God. Stand up Destiny, your knees are buckling.
"What? What is it?"
Danny's face crumpled. And I died a little inside.
"It's bad, Destiny." No, no no no no no. Please no, God, why? WHY?
"What?! It's back? It's cancer??"
I know I was getting hysterical...
"We'll talk inside, let's get Ryssa inside." Yeah, we need to get inside. Oh my gosh, no. This isn't real. This isn't real life. 
And so we went inside.

Danny finally got a call back on his way home from work that day. The nurse told him the biopsy results. "Positive for liver cancer," were her exact words. Liver cancer? How does he beat colon cancer and then get liver cancer? How does that make any sense?
Danny asked me to please not google it, because he already did... and it wasn't good. In fact, it was terrible.


I found myself questioning everything. Why couldn't we just enjoy happy times? We couldn't enjoy being newlyweds without cancer messing that up. And now we couldn't enjoy a new baby because of cancer again... Was God punishing us for bringing a baby into the world, when we had to use science to get her? Was that the trade? You can have a baby but you'll lose your husband? How is that fair? Why us? Why can't we just be normal and have a baby and enjoy life and maybe plan on our future... Instead of always fighting for life. Fighting for my husband to live, fighting to bring a new life into this world, and now fighting for my husband to live again. WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS A FIGHT.


I called my mom that night, Danny's mom came over. We all cried a lot that night. I sent a few texts out to friends because everyone knew we were expecting the results any time. The responses we received were all meant to comfort us, but all they did for me was bring more tears.





That's all for today. I'm going to keep writing though, and you can expect another post tomorrow!

10 months later... An update on Baby, Life, and Cancer....

Rys just turned 10 months old, well, a couple weeks ago. Time has been getting away from me for too long. I apologize, sincerely, for not keeping any of you updated. I have lots of reasons for having ZERO time, but, we'll get to that.... I feel awful that this blog has just stopped. It's time to get it going again. Especially since yet again, I'm laid off from work (the aircraft industry has yet to fully recover from the recession, hopefully someday soon it will).

I started this blog while I was laid off from work in 2012. The following was amazing and the fundraisers worked wonders, and along with a loan from a friend we were able to do IVF and you can see in the most recent (haha, not recent at all) posts how that went. Rys is an absolute joy to our lives. And she came with perfect timing. Far more perfect than we ever could have anticipated.

July was full of excitement and the newness of baby. We struggled with nursing, and I struggled to recover from labor and child birth. But we got through it and in August we had things figured out, Rys was back to her birth weight, and we were golden... I got to spend the following weeks just enjoying my time with my baby girl, not a care in the world...

September handed us a whole new set of troubles. Feelings we hadn't felt in years came roaring back. I've given the short story on our new Facebook group, Danny's team. But here I'll go into the details. As many details as I can, while still keeping my sanity.

Going along with how I began this blog... I'll go back to the beginning. The beginning of this latest journey we're on.



Rys turned 8 weeks old, and I had finally officially recovered from having her. It seemed to take forever to recover physically, but the 8 weeks with a newborn flew by faster than anyone could have prepared me for. I went back to work, just a couple days before the weekend (easier to cope that way). That weekend couldn't have been any sweeter, I missed Rys so much while I worked!! Sundays Danny plays hockey. So, that Sunday, as usual, we headed to the rink. He hadn't been feeling too well all day, but you can't keep that man away from hockey. So I didn't bother trying. The game went okay, with one pretty rough collision between Danny and another guy. The game ended pretty late but we hadn't had dinner, so we stopped and grabbed some food on the way home. I started eating and Danny took two bites, and proceeded to run to the bathroom to throw up.
What on earth?? Danny never throws up...
Danny went to lay down afterward, but I was worried. He was in pain, and not just pain that will go away with an advil and sleep. Serious pain. We all know how that goes. His pain tolerance is insane, so when he's visibly hurting, you know it's not good...
After some more trips to the bathroom, I asked Danny if he thought we should go to the ER. He eventually gave in, and we took Rys to my mom and headed to the hospital.

The trip brought back the memories of rushing to the hospital when I was in labor. The feeling in our car wasn't excitement like before, though. It was full of worry and tension. We pulled into the parking lot and started walking toward the door, and Danny found a bush to attempt to throw up in again. An EMT noticed and walked over with a bag for him and offered him a wheelchair. Danny said no thanks, but took the bag, and we went inside.
I checked Danny in with the nurse at the front desk.
"Symptoms?"
Sick as a dog? "He's throwing up, stomach pain, no fever."
"The stomach bug IS going around."
Yeahh... This isn't the bug, lady, I know it's not.
They got Danny back pretty quickly, considering all the complaints people usually have for the ER.
IV, fluids, and some pain meds came first... And then someone looked through Danny's file...

"You have a history of colon cancer, Mr Crabb?"
"Yes, in 09."
"Okay, we're going to go ahead and have a CT scan done on you, just to check and make sure everything is okay and there's not a blockage or anything."
Blockage? Like a tumor blocking off his colon? Like, the cancer could be back? No.. That can't be it.. It's just a blockage from scar tissue or something. No reason to stress. No reason to stress. 

The CT was done and, sure enough, there was a blockage. They proceeded to put a tube down Danny's nose all the way down to his stomach to pull everything UP out of him so it would stop pushing on the blockage. That wasn't producing anything, and they decided to admit him to get it under control.
This was around 1 am or so. I was texting our moms to keep them updated. And making sure my mom could handle Ryssa. I'd left enough frozen milk to get her through the night, but I didn't have my pump with me so I knew I'd be in some pain. I wasn't worried about me though.
Sunday night in a big hospital you'd think it would be slow and quiet... And it was, once we  got a room. Finding a room was hard though because the hospital was COMPLETELY FULL. They switched some people around and made room for Danny. On a surgical recovery floor. We tried to settle in for the night, but it wasn't a good rest.

The next morning I left Danny, even though I didn't want to, to go get my pump and take more milk to my mom. My niece had stayed home from school to help take care of Rys, and the two of them together still had their hands full. That day I struggled to stay ahead of Ryssa's milk needs while trying to make sure I was fulling understanding everything that was being said about this blockage. The doctor we'd seen had said the blockage wasn't a tumor, it was from scar tissue, called lesions, just like I'd thought. But, something just felt off. I stayed positive, but I was worried.

Neither of us felt comfortable listening to anyone except for Dr H. He promised he'd get to us after his meeting, which would be around 9 pm. I'd already missed one of my first days back to work, but I was focused on being there for all of information Danny would be given. Knowing Dr H would be up in a few hours, I decided to leave. I needed to take more milk to my mom, see Rys, eat dinner, let the dogs out, feed them and the cats. All the while, NEEDING to be with Danny just so I knew he was okay. Rys wasn't feeling well, she was fussy, she had a fever, and I was about to lose it.
How do you choose who to be there for? Be home with the baby, this new baby who needs mommy so badly. OR be at the hospital with your husband, who is sick and in pain and won't admit that he needs his wife. And then there's me, needing my husband. My rock.
After some tears, I went with my need. I chose selfishly, I needed Danny. I knew Rys was in good hands, I didn't know how well Danny would be cared for. I needed to be there for him, for ME.
I went back to the hospital expecting to get there right before Dr H. However, Dr H came early, BEFORE his meeting, and talked to Danny. He told him that he had a plan for a series of CT scans with barium to see how well the blockage was opening back up (the theory was to starve the blockage, I suppose. Give his body nothing and the scar tissue would pull back and his colon would open back up). I settled in, expecting it to be for the night, when Dr H came back in. After the meeting.
This doctor rocks.
"So, I'm back. I checked my messages again, and I checked the CT again. And I see an area that was flagged now. What looks to be a lymph node, around the area of the duodenum, looks like maybe it's inflamed. It's probably just from being sick or from fighting off an infection, lymph nodes swell for all sorts of reasons. But I don't think this is cancer. IF it is, and I don't think it is, we WILL take care of it. I don't want you to worry. The blockage had nothing to do with this node, this is a completely different area. We just happened to catch it on the same scan. Tomorrow we'll deal more with the blockage. But I want you to follow up with Dr J and get his opinion on this spot. And then, regardless, we'll do a biopsy. Just to be safe."
It's my turn to throw up. A lymph node? What the heck is the duodenum? He doesn't think it's cancer though, it must not be. It must just be from some bug he's been fighting. This isn't cancer. This is nothing. This is nothing...

Another restless night. Staring out a hospital window at the stars... Wishing I could  be everywhere at once. And pumping away so I could stay ahead of Ryssa. Plus researching, because that's just what I do.

The next day was Tuesday. And it was also the 17th. Ryssa officially turned 2 months. I'd started a monthly tradition where I would get a cupcake for her on the 17th of each month and take a picture with her with it. I'd only done it once, obviously, but it was a tradition I was determined to keep. Regardless of what we had going on. We were hopeful that Danny would get out of the hospital that night or the next morning, and I'd come to the decision that I was going to stay home that night with Rys. She desperately needed her routine back, and I desperately needed some sense of normalcy. Although it wouldn't be normal if Danny had to stay in the hospital.
At lunch I got my food to go, and also got a cupcake. Well, two cupcakes. One for Rys and I, and one for Danny.. in hopes that he'd be able to eat some food and get out of the hospital.
Danny had his series of CT scans with barium, and the barium upset his stomach. Understandably since he hadn't eaten anything since Sunday early afternoon.
The day was long and stressful and I left to go get Rys from our wonderful friends Crystal and Angelo, they'd kept her for the day so my mom could go to work.
We went home and I figured I could take Rys up to see Danny for a few minutes before bedtime. I started to pack her back and Danny sent me a text telling me to come get him. The scans were back and they put them on a CD for his docs and he was okay to leave.

Walking into the hospital with a baby, especially such a little young thing, got lots of attention. I finally made it to Danny's room, got her out of her carrier, and handed her to her Daddy. She's a Daddy's girl so she needed it, just like he did. I had him just sit back and hold her while I packed up what few items we'd accumulated during our short stay.
Danny was upset that he hadn't seen Rys in two days and she'd grown so much in that little amount of time. Babies change so much in those early days, I could see a difference as well...
Seeing Rys in Danny's hands, him in his hospital gown and looking sick, just made me teary eyed. I knew it was a memory I'd need to never forget. So I snapped a picture.

A few minutes later a male nurse (that I'd never seen before) came in the room with Danny's CDs and paperwork. He came over to check out the baby just like everyone always does.
"Oh you two! We don't need no Maury Povich in here! There's no doubt who the father of that baby is!! Hey ___, come in here, check out this baby!" Other nurses started to file into our room, to check out the baby.
Yeah, the baby is cute... That baby needs her Daddy. This stinkin' node better not be cancer. It just better not be....

We eventually made it home, and I managed to get a cupcake picture with my baby. And we decided to try to be optimistic with all of our following appointments. We had to be. Who has time for cancer with a newborn in the house, I mean really.....

That ends my post for today, but I'll post again. There's so much more to our story thus far, and it's not even close to over. Not, even, close. But we've got this. And I want to give everyone all the details. Especially since so many people have helped us get as far as we've come. So, I'm leaving you all for now. I'll try to get more posts done this weekend to post next week. But I'll post Ryssa's Cupcake Month 1 pic just for your enjoyment! We'd gone to the farmer's market and to a craft show that day!