Survivor's Guilt... Why did I get blessed and not ____? Why couldn't ____ have success, too? Why do any of us have to go through this?
I've written and rewritten this blog post so many times. I start it, I delete it. I restart it. And again, backspace. I've been honest with my blogs, to the point of "too much information." So I'm not going to pretend like I don't feel what so many infertility survivors do. I am BEYOND ECSTATIC to be pregnant. I love hearing my little baby's heartbeat. I can't wait to see the little guy or girl again. The love I feel for this baby can't even be described.
And at the same time, I can't help but wonder why so many of my friends don't get to be on this side of the journey, too. What made us so lucky? I don't have an answer. I don't know if some of the people who are infertile will ever have kids. I don't know if everyone will eventually get answers. What do I know? I know that I will support my friends 100%. They're trying to raise money? Let me help. Need some advice? I'll tell them everything I know. They just need to vent? I'm ALL ears. I just hope that I can help others somehow, and that they can feel the support that I've felt this entire time.
Support that I still feel today. My friends that are infertile? They are excited for me, too. They love this baby, too. Just like those that AREN'T on this journey. And I couldn't be more thankful. They ask how I'm doing, and they are okay with hearing the truth. They know any complaints I have about this pregnancy don't change the fact that I am SO BEYOND GRATEFUL to be in this position. And they know that if I could, I would snap my fingers and they'd be on "this side" of the bridge.
So, to all of my wonderful friends who know firsthand just how awful infertility is... Thank you. Thank you for still supporting me. For not making me feel guilty. For loving this baby, too. And for so much more. Thank you. I'm in your corner, cheering you on. And I will be here until you bring a baby home and even after. <3
On that note... There are two active fundraisers for some friends of mine that I'd like to share with you all. One is shirt sales to help with adoption fees. The other is a Scentsy/Grace Adele/Velata fundraiser for another friend who is saving up for IVF. If you can help and would like to, here are the links!
http://www.adoptionbug.com/babybarber/
Tracie's blog - http://operationbabybarber.blogspot.com/
http://www.facebook.com/#!/events/464780733577111/
And Kelsey's blog - http://kelseyeli.blogspot.com/
And now for my update on the pregnancy...
I MADE IT TO THE SECOND TRIMESTER!!!!!! WHOOP WHOOP!! I never thought I'd be so happy. Why am I happy? I've been mostly nausea free for the last 4 days. I've had one pregnancy headache that put my to bed at 6:30 at night... That stunk. But I've been able to brush my teeth without gagging and then throwing up. I've been able to eat!!!! I still get tired, but I should probably just get used to that. One thing that's been going on since I began the progesterone injections is a pretty awful pain in my lower back towards the left of my spine. I don't know what it is, but that's when it started. I've been off of those injections for a month and there are days when every time I move I get the shooting pain. Hmm... Maybe something I should bring up at my appointment next week. Or just deal with it?
So, can you tell I'm excited to be in the second trimester? I've tried SO SO hard to not complain about how I've been feeling. But if someone asked? Well, I'm not going to lie. First trimester put me through the ringer, and I spent a lot of time wondering if it would be like that throughout the entire pregnancy. I didn't understand how people could honestly say they'd never felt better than they did while pregnant. Really, I still don't get that. The immense LOVE I feel is basically bursting from me and is an amazing feeling... But, I will say I've obviously felt better physically. So. I guess I'm just not going to be one of "those" ladies, and hey, that's okay. We're bringing a life into this world, and I'm the one responsible for that baby right now. I can handle feeling like crap for months on end. But I am on cloud 9 now that I'm feeling better :)
So ummm.... do you want a bump pic?? :)
Here you go!! I will post again next week after my 15 week OB appointment, we will schedule our anatomy scan then!! EEK!! :)
